My Friend Is 30, Never Went on a Date, and Just Installed Tinder

My friend, a woman who just turned 30, called me with exciting news.

“I installed Tinder!”.

This would be a mundane fact for most people. I can’t even count the number of times I installed Tinder, only to uninstall it a few days later.

But my friend is a special case. She never went on a date before. Not one single date, not one single guy, not one single kiss. Also, not one single fuck, obviously.

I, on the other hand, have had a bunch of those. All of those. Except for the guys, I’ve had a lot of girls.

She called for my “wise words”. Here is what I told her.

Be Honest About Your Experience

There is absolutely no point in lying.

Inexperience shows, in subtle but sure ways. Lying will set you up for failure later on, so be honest about your experience, even if it is non-existent.

I’m not saying to write on your profile that you’ve never dated, or even to bring it up as soon as you start a conversation. But when the topic comes up, and it will come, choose to go with the truth.

Being inexperienced can even work in your favor.

It means you don’t come with all the baggage that most people carry at this age. I’ve yet to find someone who hasn’t got some sort of trauma, bad habit, or anxiety they bring from one relationship to another.

Plus, the more you date, the more cynical you become. After a few relationships gone wrong, I stopped believing that any would ever go right. Would you like to start a relationship with someone who believes, from the get-go, that you’re doomed? Probably not. Nor would the people you’re talking to on that dating app.

You’re a breath of fresh air. It’s not a flaw, it’s a perk.

If They Don’t Like Your Body, You Don’t Want Them To Like You

My friend struggles with her body image and was concerned that guys might not like her physique.

I get that. Most of us do — which is ironic, half of the world wishes they had the bodies of the other half, and vice-versa.

But you are not (only) a body. You’re also a personality, brains, sense of humor, and empathy. Hopefully. You are a package and your body is just the box where everything else is contained.

If someone doesn’t like that, it’s their problem. Someone who judges you on your physical appearance is not someone you would want to go out with anyway. Right?

Don’t you also want the personality, brains, sense of humor, and empathy? Someone who judges bodies lacks a lot of those traits.

Believe it or not, there are lots of great people out there who don’t give a damn about your body. Better, there are lots of great people out there who will love your body, regardless of what it looks like. Those are people you want to be with.

Read this section again if you need to, but never ever let looks get in the way of your dating life.

Experiment Before Committing

At 14, my cousin started dating a girl and they were together for 4 years. During the last year, I was secretly hoping they would break up at some point, and they eventually did.

Look, I’m not mean, I just know that life is not a fairytale. You meet a person, fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. That happens on Disney movies and to 1% of people in real life.

The rest of us need to experiment, to try things out, to try people out.

We need to get our hearts broken in a thousand pieces and learn that, even if it doesn’t seem like it, life goes on.

We need to be in relationships with people who seem perfect on paper but don’t make us feel anything. That’s how we learn that love is not a rational game.

We need to be with people who teach us to be open, vulnerable, wild, adventurous, fun and caring. And it’s usually not just one person teaching us all that. Being with different people teach us to see life from different angles.

Sometimes, we even end up with people who disrespect us. That’s how we learn to never let anyone else disrespect us ever again.

When you start dating, especially at a later age, you might get discouraged about not finding “the one” right away. But that’s a blessing in disguise. It will give you the opportunity to learn, understand what you like and what you don’t, correct your flaws, and become a better partner.

And then, further down the road, you’ll meet someone with whom everything works out perfectly. Not because they’re “the one”, but because both of you have put in the work to become “a better one”.

Before You Leave

If you are in a similar situation to my friend, you probably feel you’re an outcast. My friend does.

But she’s not, and neither are you. There are so many people in this situation — just check the Reddit threads on the topic.

If you have never been on a date but would like to, get yourself out there. It might be scary and feel daunting, but it’s one of those things to which there is no way around. You need to do it, but rest assured: it gets better with practice.

Install a dating app, pick a (seemingly) decent person, and after a few days of messaging, schedule a date. Aim at something simple, like a coffee together, in a location where you feel comfortable.

Arrive with low expectations. Be yourself the entire time. If it goes well, great! If not, avoid this thought at all costs: that you are the problem. I guarantee you that you’re not. Schedule the next date with the next person and you’ll see that I’m right.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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