Freaking Out About Still Being Single?? [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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this was a question that came in from
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one of our members she says i’m 29 and
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starting to feel really uncomfortable
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with the fact that i’m still single i
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can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with
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me that i haven’t found something
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lasting yet
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how do i shift this mindset and ensure
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it doesn’t sabotage my dating life i
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don’t want to be too eager and end up
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settling for the next decent thing that
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comes my way and i’m afraid i’ve done
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this with the last few men i have dated
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today i’m going to be talking about
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seven different mindsets that can help
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you out of the anxiety of still
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being single and before we get into that
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i just wanted to let everyone know that
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i have a free training coming up called
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dating with results if you’re sick and
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tired of being on the dating treadmill
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if you’re sick and tired of people not
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treating dating seriously who you go on
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dates with people using you love bombing
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gas lighting if you want to get results
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in your love life go there now
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sign up for free and join me for dating
1:06
with results
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now on to the video the first thing i
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would say to this person is to avoid
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the seduction of false progress when we
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feel like we need to make progress and
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then we see someone in front of us
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maybe they’re not quite right for us
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maybe they fall beneath certain
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standards we have for the behavior we
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want or maybe we just don’t really click
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with them on the level that we want for
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our future partner but
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simply dating them and letting that slip
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into
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seeing them and letting seeing them slip
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into some kind of current or temporary
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relationship
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feels like progress it feels like
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forward momentum but
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those
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relationships that we settle for in the
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short term just so that we can tell our
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friends that we’re seeing someone again
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just so that we can post a relationship
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status that we’re with someone we can
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let the world know that we have someone
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they’re costly
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in terms of time and energy it’s a bit
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like relationship musical chairs
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everyone’s going around in a circle
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until the music stops and then all of a
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sudden everyone scrambles to find the
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nearest chair no one wants to be the
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person left standing in musical chairs
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well being single can be the same thing
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you’re just any chair will do just get
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me sat on a chair so that i’m not
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left standing at the end of this but
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then you realize you haven’t been
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discerning at all
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about the chair you’ve sat on is it a
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comfy chair is it a chair you want to be
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sat on for the rest of your life some
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people have sat down on a three-legged
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chair other people you that this person
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sat on a chair with a whoopee cushion on
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it because we’re terrified that when the
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music stops we’re not gonna have a place
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to reside we’re not gonna have a person
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so we grab any person number two
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lose the shame
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own your intentions i reread this
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woman’s question i’m starting to feel
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really uncomfortable
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with the fact that i’m still single
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notice that language still
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single it carries a kind of shame
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that there’s something wrong with me
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there is a desperation about me that i’m
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still single and god forbid anyone else
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see or feel that desperation and what
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that does for a lot of people i’ve been
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doing this for 15 years now and what i
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watch is people fake a kind of
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indifference
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because they’re terrified to be seen to
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be trying in their love lives many
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people would rather be in the wrong
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relationship
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than see be seen to be out there single
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trying
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to find the right relationship because
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at least by being in the wrong
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relationship they can say they’re with
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somebody that shame is something we have
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to lose and the way we lose it is by
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getting back to just owning the
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intention what is the intention i’m a
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human being who is capable of giving an
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extraordinary amount of love who is
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still romantic and
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excited and optimistic about what how
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good love can be
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and i want to find that there is no
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shame in that that’s just beautiful and
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it’s such an unkind thing to do to
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ourselves to take this beautiful
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intention that we’ve had for a very long
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time
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and to make it synonymous
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with
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desperation and insecurities and all of
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these all of our worst fears about our
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inadequacy number three break the spell
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of comparison even in the language of
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i’m 29 and i still haven’t met someone
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yet are the symptoms of comparison you
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know i thought i’d be here by now
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and we measure where we should be in
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relation to other people where are
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people
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normally by my age where are my friends
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right now are they married are they in
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relationships oh my god they are some of
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them are even starting to think about
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having a family i feel left behind
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there’s all that comparison that makes
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us unhappy and by the way there are some
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of you in the comments who will say
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she’s 29 she’s a baby she’s so young and
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you’ll be doing the comparison game
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because you’ll be doing it in relation
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to your age oh god if she only knew i’m
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50 and when i was 29 i didn’t realize
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how much time i had but maybe there’s a
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70 year old looking at you and saying
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the same thing when i was 50 i didn’t
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realize that i could have a whole new
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life starting at that point
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it goes on and on these comparisons
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happen all the time one thing is
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universal all of us are going to be
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humbled at some point in our lives by
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being to use a monopoly reference
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sent back to go
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we can think that we’re making progress
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at one point in our lives you find a
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partner at 28 you get married by 30 and
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you feel like you’ve made massive
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progress and then all of a sudden at 32
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you’re getting a divorce no one would
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have
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wanted that for themselves they didn’t
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predict it at the point where they were
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getting married but it happened and all
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of a sudden life went go back to go and
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this happens in all areas of our life
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sometimes it happens financially you
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thought you were in a certain position
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and then some cataclysmic event
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precipitates
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you having to go back to go financially
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or it might be in your health you
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suddenly have a health scare and that
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sends you back to go health-wise we all
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have these setbacks in life and
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you know
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to me a lot of
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growing older and especially the the
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wiser people around me they start to
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lose that
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framing of life of i’m trying to do this
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by this time because in the context of a
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life
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full of
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forward motion and then massive setbacks
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and
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taking a big leap ahead and then having
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another massive setback and kind of
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being
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sent back to go in different areas
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regularly
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it starts to seem a bit silly what we
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realize is the only consistent thing in
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my life
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is
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my trajectory and who i’m becoming i am
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every day growing and becoming
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wiser more learned more experienced more
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seasoned in life
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and
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and we can refine that person to become
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better and better at handling life the
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kind of funny thing about life is while
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we’re racing to show
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material progress i’m now in a
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relationship
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now i’m graduating to marriage now i
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have a family life is far more complex
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than that you could find someone today
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and not make that relationship last
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because you’re not ready to make a
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relationship last today or you could be
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single for the next five years and the
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relationship you find in five years
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lasts because of who you became in that
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time life is complex lose the comparison
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it’s just your journey number four make
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friends with uncertainty one of the
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things that is making this person so
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afraid is looking at the future
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and catastrophizing
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what if i’m still single at 35 what if
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i’m still single at 40 what if i never
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meet somebody everything
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changes in life
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everything our worst problems today
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will change
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they will shape-shift into
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something else they will evolve because
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everything in life is always evolving it
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is always
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changing and so we have to make space
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for that in in that fear of the future
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instead of having this incredible fear
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of the future we have to kind of get our
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feet on the ground
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today and say i’m here
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in this moment right now my worst fears
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aren’t actually happening right now
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they are by definition their fears their
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their future projection
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that thing isn’t actually happening
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right now
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what’s happening right now is my feet
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are on the ground
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i’m here in this moment
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there’s some stuff in my life that i
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want to fix there’s some stuff i want to
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work on there’s some stuff that hasn’t
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happened yet but it’s all changing and i
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cannot predict
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where i will be a year from now and that
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would be true by the way
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if you were in a relationship right now
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don’t think that other other people have
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been given the gift of certainty and you
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haven’t in your single state
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they do not own the gift of certainty
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then now they’re in a marriage so
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they’re certain that this person will
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never leave they’re certain that this
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person will never cheat on them they’re
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certain this person will never die
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no one gets that certainty it is not
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available to us while uncertainty
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create
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discomfort at times in our life we can
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learn to make friends with it part of
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making friends with it to me is
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yes i
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it may be that some of my fears may be
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confirmed it might be that some bad
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things will happen in my life but what’s
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what’s certain is that everything
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changes this feeling i have will change
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my relationship with my problems will
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change the the circumstances of the
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problems themselves will change and and
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within that uncertainty by the way is
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also something wildly exciting
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which is that
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anything can happen at any moment
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someone could walk into your life or you
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into theirs and you
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what’s what is sparked is the great
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relationship of your life speaking of
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anything is possible remember and this
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is point number five
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it only takes one baseball
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you get a certain number of swings
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and then you strike out this is not true
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of our love life no matter how many
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times you’ve tried there is no cap
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on how many times you can try on how
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many people you can approach on how many
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relationships you can enter into you can
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keep going at this until you find the
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right person until you become the right
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person until you find the right
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relationship
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you only need
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one how many things in the entire world
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give you those odds it doesn’t matter
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how many times you try you can literally
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keep trying until you find the
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relationship you are only limited by
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your own fear of rejection number six
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learning how to be happy on your own
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is one of the most worthwhile muscles
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you can build
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so much of
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the work that allows us to bring our
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best selves to a relationship have
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standards in a relationship be
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independent while also being in a
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relationship where there is a kind of
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interdependence is best done while we’re
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on our own
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when
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your friends are all out with their
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partners on a friday night
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and you find yourself having to
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sit in that feeling
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of being on your own self-soothing
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learning that
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you actually
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quite like your own company the
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relationships the friendships that we
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invest in when we find ourselves
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single then the kind of
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support network that we build
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the passions that we find we invest in
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these are all things that give us this
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solid base that when we find someone
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allows us to ask a crucial question does
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this person
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elevate my life does this person
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add
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to my joy or
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do they actually compromise
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this joy that i’ve created number seven
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learn to
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fall in love with your life
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the way that your life is happening and
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this kind of
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gets completely out of the comparison
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mode and it means a complete presence
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with our life fall in love with your
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life the way it’s happening instead of
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the way you thought it should have
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happened instead of being married to the
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blueprint that you once had for yourself
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about the way it was supposed to unfold
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fall in love with the way that it’s
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unfolding the good and the bad because
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that’s your life and the product of that
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is going to be your unique product the
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product of your pain the product of
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things not going your way the product of
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of the muscle you have to build in the
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difficult times in the lonely times
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that is all creating this treasure that
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is uniquely
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yours and when you get to the end of
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your story it will be your story it
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won’t be a
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cheap copy of somebody else’s journey
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and the more you can just go with the
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flow of that and every
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every step of the way just decide to
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make the most of whatever is going on
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right now i’m single at 29. how do i
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make the most of that
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how do i get the most fun out of that
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how do i get the most joy out of that
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how do i get the most learning out of
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that how do i make the biggest impact
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out of that that’s where i am
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what can i do with that the more we can
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fall in love with our own journey and
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make the most of that particular journey
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the better a life we’re gonna have thank
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you so much for watching this video if
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you want to take these seven mindsets
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and harness them to find love this year
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come join us on dating with results the
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live training i am doing very very soon
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go over to
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datingwithresults.com to sign up for
15:14
free and i will see you there
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you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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