Why Do the Closest People to You Hurt You Emotionally?

The weight we put on the words and actions of those we cherish is immense.

So, the hurt that they induce is not insignificant.

It’s not always because they are bad people.

And it’s not because they want to hurt you.

That being said, you still need to draw boundaries and assert them.

But it’s good to understand where the hurt comes from. Why did they do that or why were you hurt.

It will help you deal with the uncertainty of, “what’s wrong with me?” and understand yourself on a deeper level.

Below, I will offer a few possible root reasons for why someone close to you hurt you.

Let’s get into it.

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It Was Offensive

What does “offensive” here mean?

Well, that’s relative.

And because it’s relative, there is the chance of someone saying something they don’t believe is offensive but it is to you.

Your close friend or partner may hurt you by saying things that you consider offensive. But remember that the way you see the world isn’t the same way they see the world.

On the other hand, they even can say really offensive things and treat us poorly because of their own insecurities and issues.

Of course, it’s unacceptable to do that.

But if you look a bit deeper, you will find that a lot of us usually use the closest ones to us as our emotional punching bag.

We don’t do it because we hate them. And I don’t excuse this kind of behavior. We usually do it because we feel comfortable with them. Well, too comfortable to the point of taking them for granted.

In the cases I mentioned, it’s a great idea to define what “offensive” is to you personally.

Know exactly what type of words, language, and gestures you consider offensive. You will be amazed to know how this kind of precision is rare but powerful.

Not everything will or should offend you. Not everything should be taken personally. One of the signs of emotional maturity is not taking things personally that often.

From there, after defining what you consider offensive, you need to voice that out. You need to actively tell people that you won’t tolerate this and that. You need to set clear boundaries.

How to do it? We are coming to that. Step by step.

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One of Your Emotional Wounds were Touched

Sometimes, the differences in our perception of what is offensive or hurtful come down to our own unique emotional wounds.

Let me explain more.

Emotional wounds are row spots in your emotional body. When touched, they hurt.

They are your insecurities that stem from earlier (usually childhood) unpleasant experiences.

In other words, they are your deepest insecurities.

For instance, some people can be more sensitive to comments about their looks or their financial status.

Why?

They might have been told they were ugly when they were young, and it did affect them deeply. Or they might have been told they were inadequate or failures who won’t have any future by their parents or teachers when they were in school.

Someone might be sensitive to being compared to anyone else because of the way his/her parents compared them to their sister/brother.

A comparison they always lost!

Someone might be sensitive to the loud voice while arguing because it always made her feel unsafe as a child.

These experiences are likely to make them develop such wounds.

And those wounds, once developed, will make them more sensitive to specific actions and comments.

I am not saying that you are going to lash out and cry when someone touches one of your emotional wounds.

I am just saying that you would get hurt and feel vulnerable and uncomfortable.

And because loud voices, comparisons, and comments about looks and money are normal, the other person is more likely not aware they are touching an emotional wound. Heck, sometimes even the hurt person isn’t aware of these wounds!

I talked about the effects of these emotional wounds in more detail in this article.

So, when you are hurt by someone dear, it can be that they stepped on your foot where it’s wounded. This happens in romantic relationships more often than not.

Again, if you don’t speak up and you stay silent, you will more likely grow resentful.

So, be aware of your emotional wounds, which are unknown to the other person, especially if they are subtle.

Even if you don’t know why you have this wound and why you don’t like, for example, loud voice, the awareness of its existence can be enough.

With this awareness, expressing yourself can be more assertive and productive.

One of Your Needs was Neglected and Blocked
This is similar to the above point.

Here it’s just something that you want instead of something that hurts you.

You want to be treated in a specific way that will make you happiest and most comfortable in your interactions.

Maybe it’s about how much you want people to connect with you. Or it’s about how you want people to treat you when you are down. Or it’s about what you want people to give you.

It’s not selfishness to have needs and to ask for them. It’s sexy by the way. It screams confidence and emotional security.

And remember! When you don’t get these needs met, you will more likely feel hurt and betrayed.

But before you accuse everyone around you that they don’t get you or help you out, before you grow resentful, are you asking for what you want and need?

Telling your dear ones here that you were hurt is about asking for your needs and what you want.

Most people who are “givers” fall prey to this trap of being hurt when they don’t “receive”.

They give, but they don’t believe it’s legit to receive. They even believe they would be burden-some if they did ask.

But resentment doesn’t care at all about those excuses.

It’s a simple, primitive, emotion.

It will develop should you suppress your needs and get poor treatment.

And in some cases, the other person isn’t even aware of your need.

Remember the emotional wounds and how subtle they can be. Needs can be similar.

And it’s kind of sad to see a relationship deteriorate because one person got resentful and started to passive-aggressively treat the other one, who is clueless and who has emotional wounds that might get rubbed as well.

A Nice Mix of All the Above
Yup, real-life situations are usually a mix of this and that.

The point is, it’s not always because they’re bad people.

They’re humans. And so are you.

Apply some wisdom. I understand that there are some cases where you need to let someone go. But make sure you’re doing your homework of communicating well and understanding yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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