Alienation Is Inevitable in a Relationship

Most people in a committed relationship are somewhat delusional. For one, we strongly believe our relationship will last forever. And this despite the statistics speaking another language. In addition, we think that romance is what keeps a relationship going when it’s all about communicating, giving attention, and being able to cope with phases of alienation.

All in all, we’re not on cloud nine but cloud arrogance.

Just think about how many couples in your circle called it quits because they felt they’d grown apart. Today, almost 80% of couples separating state that alienation, or not being of the same age as their partner, was the main reason for the split. Growing apart does not happen immediately, in my opinion; it is a gradual process. And perhaps by knowing the myriad minor details that can derail a relationship, we might better grasp what makes a relationship work. Therefore, I asked myself, what factors contribute to a long, fulfilling, and happy relationship?

Strangers, friends, lovers, and back.

We fall in love with a person we have a strong connection with, someone we would describe as our best friend, who always has our back and always has our best interests in mind, right? Likewise, happy long-term couples frequently refer to their partner as their best friend, someone they can always talk to and share their grievances with. But, alas, after time, for many, their partner doesn’t feel like their best friend anymore.

So what happens to these promising beginnings?

Unfortunately, many couples lose touch with the foundation of their relationship. A perceived lack of attention coupled with the hectics of everyday life and unhealthy relationship habits form a poisonous cocktail for any relationship. We start to brush over little annoyances, stop talking about emotions due to a lack of time, and can’t find the time anymore as a couple.

What we forget, though, is that everybody and everything changes constantly. For example, every now and then, we get a new haircut. We might start a new hobby, join a sports team, move to another city, meet up with old and new friends, and enjoy new influences. Unlike most people, I don’t think change is a bad thing. On the contrary, I believe change is great and must be embraced. Here’s why.

Change is everywhere, always.

As long as we move together in one direction, we can experience change and new perspectives together. But this also includes giving our partners space to realize themselves. I always like to use the image of glasses as an example. Each partner has one, and then there is a third shared glass. For a relationship to be happy, it must be checked repeatedly that all glasses are seen as half full. This also means that sometimes you have to pour from one glass to the other so that all glasses are equally full in terms of feeling.

However, not every little change is bad — some become bad.

But what if the differences and changes are suddenly too great? After all, certain behavioral patterns should raise red flags. According to Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, dealing with modest shifts is critical. These changes range from being around new people who negatively influence you as a couple or only your partner to starting to run late and forgetting to do the things promised. Other examples include little everyday life annoyances such as wearing mismatched socks to never cleaning the dishes after cooking. These things may not irritate you at the start of a relationship but might irritate you later.

This is partly due to how we perceive the people around us. Formed by observations and shared memories, how we see someone can change. As a result, we focus on the most important memories, those that are most remembered or personally meaningful, and then build what is known as a global perspective from these recollections. More broadly, this means we start to label someone as tidy, funny, easygoing, stern, annoying, or a snob.

Thanks to these global views, we have a simplified concept of the world, making it much easier for us to handle all of this world’s many intricacies. With just a few simple notions, we can, for example, categorize people depending on how we feel about them. In addition, our global perspectives influence how we think and feel about others. These beliefs and sentiments shape how we regard people. We treat people well if we have a positive overall image of them. On the other hand, suppose we have a negative view of them. In that case, we are more inclined to remain distant around them or keep our interaction to a minimum.

Some memories emphasize strengths, while others focus on shortcomings and annoyances. Unfortunately, we all tend to focus on more negative aspects rather than positive memories since negative memories are the ones that are remembered as more meaningful. These recollections build the basis for the global perspective we have of someone. And when we start only to see the negative, it can derail our relationships. The thing is, we all inherently have a negativity bias.

Although we might focus more on the bad, we tend to forgive and forget easily when in love. However, to let go of little annoyances and ensure that they do not grow into something impossible, there needs to be communication and talking things through.

We’re forgetful and forgiving.

See, apart from talking about what we would like to have changed, we’re also very forgetful. Not forgetful, maybe, but we learn to live with behaviors. Maybe we just washed the dishes after another one of our partners’ messy cooking sessions with a smile because we loved the food, and it’s all good.

Like most things in life, it’s not about going over everything all the time but talking about it when you feel emotions that need to be discussed in more detail. While every partnership passes through difficult times, addressing concerns is crucial. It creates a sense of belonging and trust when both parties feel understood.

On the other hand, it’s a cause for concern if your partner has become less sensitive, impatient, and careless about your feelings. It’s also possible that the partner has already tapped out of the connection. It’s the root of one of the most common reasons for people’s breakups. Specifically, they do not feel valued, respected, or appreciated in their relationship. But on the other hand, these sentiments do not appear out of nowhere.

Falling out and always back into love.

We must face the reality that every relationship has its ups and downs. Therefore, expecting love to be paradise without work is pure madness. However, working through differences and finding a great compromise for both strengthens the bond.

Today, we’ll probably have two or three marriages or serious partnerships throughout our lives. Therefore, it makes sense to ask whether it’s possible to find all these relationships and love with the same person. However, this also includes taking the time to deal with your partner and cultivating a healthy argument culture. A study by Brigham Young University showed that couples who argue via text message and apologize in the same way are less happy in their relationship compared to couples doing the same face-to-face.

It’s not only how we argue but also when we argue that it is relevant when it comes to alienation in a relationship. For example, psychologists like Dr. Herb Goldberg believe our relationship paradigm is backward. We anticipate things to go smoothly at first, then have issues and conflicts afterward. In fact, Dr. Goldberg believes that couples should have “rough and ragged” beginnings when they sort out their differences before looking forward to a long and happy partnership.

I believe generosity and humor are a must for a long-term relationship. First, isn’t it important to share the wins and laugh off the fails together? Second, I believe couples who take the necessary time out of their busy schedules to experience life together can truly enjoy their time together. And lastly, showing generosity and having a positive global perspective toward their loved ones makes it easier to endure hardships. Isn’t it all about being able to cope with life and the difficulties life throws at us with positivity?

Life is about staying active and positive. If you can be that with someone who brings the same generosity, humor, and time to the relationship — that has to be the most beautiful thing.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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