Do I Stay in This Relationship or Call It a Day?

I know it can be hard to let go of a relationship in which you have invested months, maybe even years. You keep going, trying to convince yourself that everything is ok, but deep down, you know something isn’t right.

You worry you are settling; you are aware of a lack of connection, and you look at happy, loved-up couples, wondering what they do differently.

But what if I don’t meet anyone else?

I’m not getting any younger, and it’s hard to meet a decent person.

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The fear seems real. But it’s not a reason to continue in a relationship that’s going nowhere. I ended a few relationships because they were not giving me what I wanted. It wasn’t easy, I was a single mum desperate to be in a happy relationship, and I often used to overlook niggles and discontentment because I just wanted someone, anyone.

By being truthful with myself, facing up to things I could have let slip and refusing to settle, I finally found the love I craved.

It took me until I was 44 to get married, but it was worth the wait!

If you are struggling, settling, forcing things to work, or questioning whether you should stay in the relationship, ask yourself the following questions. Be honest with your answers; it’s the only way to get what you want.

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Do I look forward to seeing them?

When a relationship becomes a habit, we go through the motions without feeling excitement, anticipation or joy. We get stuck in the routine of seeing each other on certain days, and it’s something we do rather than look forward to doing.

If you are going through the motions and your relationship has become a habit rather than a desire, you need to call it a day or start making more effort to plan things that excite you both. Whatever you decide, know that more joy and excitement await you.

You should enjoy your time together and look forward to everything you do as a couple.

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Do I make a lot of compromises?

A relationship will always involve compromise. It involves two individuals spending lots of time together, making joint decisions. We can’t expect always to agree, so an odd compromise must be made.

However, if you are the one doing all the compromising and a lot of it, it is a sign that you want different things and that it is not an equal partnership. You will start to resent all of the things you are giving up.

Compromise should be mutual and happen on odd occasions. If you are in a constant battle with each other, let it go.

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Can I be myself around them?

Do you feel comfortable being your true self when you are with them, or are you trying to be the person you think they want you to be so that they like or love you?

When we first meet someone we like, we want to impress and attract them. However, a committed relationship will never work if we are constantly putting on a persona and are not expressing our true selves.

You don’t need to change for anyone. The right person for you will love you just the way you are, lumps, bumps, quirks and imperfections included.

It can hurt when someone criticises you or gets annoyed about personal things. Look at this as a sign, not that you are not enough, but a sign that they are not the right person for you.

Someone out there will see these personality traits as things they love about you.

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Do I trust them?

In every way. Trust should be all-encompassing. Trust that they will not cheat on you, hurt you, steal from you, take advantage of you, lie to you, or gossip about you.

If you have doubts about their intentions, question their explanations, or find yourself checking up on them, it is a sign that trust is missing, and a relationship must have trust to thrive.

There is someone out there waiting for you that you can trust without question, who will feel the same way about you. There will be no questions and no doubt, ever.

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Am I making all the effort?

If you find yourself making all the plans, surprising them, caring for them, and listening to them, and you do not receive the same amount of time, effort and attention back, you deserve better.

We can easily take on an identity when in a relationship — the one that gives. We become so engrossed in this identity that we feel guilty about receiving anything. This can be because of past unhealthy relationships, a lack of self-worth, or how this relationship has evolved.

Wherever this comes from, you need to realise that a relationship needs give and take and that you deserve to be with someone who is free to give and receive.

Giving and receiving should feel good and be expected from one another.

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Am I not making enough effort?

When a relationship becomes a habit, we can easily stop trying. The relationship is not fulfilling; we stay in it because it’s easy, and we fear starting again. Either that, or we don’t care much about the other person.

When we stop trying with each other, it is a sign that the relationship is unimportant and that we must go our separate ways to find more joy and excitement.

When you are in a fulfilling relationship, you want to make an effort for the other person because you truly want them to feel good. Making them feel good makes you feel good too.

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Do we share the same values?

As two completely different people, you will have odd differences in opinions and values. However, if you value different things, you must be aware that making this relationship work will be extremely difficult.

Our values are important to us on an inner level. They come from the heart and are what make us who we are.

If you deeply disagree with your partners’ actions, decisions and opinions, it shows a lack of understanding of where they are coming from. This lack of understanding will cause disagreements and conflict as you both try to get each other to understand your point of view. The issue here is you won’t be able to understand because your values are not the same.

If you question their life choices and disagree with the way they live their lives, there is no future for you both.

Your values are fundamental when it comes to your happiness; there is someone out that shares the same values as you.

Photo by Saif Memon on Unsplash

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Do they choose me?

Do you feel that you are an important person in their life? Are you confident they have your back, support you and are there for you? Or do you sometimes feel like you are an inconvenience to them?

Your partner should be one of your best friends. You should be confident that they will be there for you when you need them (and vice versa) and know that when making decisions, they will normally choose you, your happiness and your well-being over someone else’s.

If you feel like a spare part or that your partner is fitting you in between everything else they have going on, they are not treating you as well as you deserve to be treated.

There is someone out that will choose you every time. Unless, of course, there is a valid reason.

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Can I express my thoughts and feelings openly?

You should be able to express yourself freely without fear of being judged, ridiculed or criticised.

If you think before you speak or keep your true thoughts and feelings to yourself, you will become increasingly unhappy, and your self-esteem will suffer.

Your thoughts and feelings are valid, no matter how silly they seem — some need to be worked through and some need to be considered. If your partner doesn’t help you with this, you will feel lonely.

A relationship involves open communication. Expressing how you feel and being listened to helps you to feel secure in your relationship and within yourself.

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Do we share similar dreams for the future?

Most of us get involved in a relationship and hope it will last for a long time. So, if your dreams and plans are polar opposites, there is no long-term future.

To get involved with someone, hoping to change their dreams and desires, is unfair to them. To be with someone who brushes off your dreams and only ever talks about their own is unfair to you.

Yes, when you fall in love, your plans do often change. However, this should be a joint decision involving communication and compromise. You work together to devise a plan that suits both of your needs.

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Am I still able to enjoy my time spent without them?

If you constantly worry about what they are doing when you are not with them, or if you never spend time apart, this signals a lack of trust and an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. If your partner stops you from seeing other people, that’s a big red flag.

When you spend lots of time with someone you love, some behaviours, thoughts, and opinions will merge. You become an extension of each other. However, it is essential to spend time without them, continuing with a life you have outside of the relationship.

This prevents unhealthy obsession and dependency.

If the trust is there and you feel confident within your relationship, you can do your own thing and enjoy every moment. Remember, you are still an individual, and the right person will respect that.

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Do they get on with my family and friends?

It is tough to enjoy a relationship when your partner doesn’t like or get on with the other people in your life. The same goes if you don’t like their family and friends.

It will prevent you from socialising together and add pressure to your relationship.

It can also cause secrets and untruths because you know they will not respond kindly to anything that happens to/with your family and friends.

If you are with someone you trust, that respects you, and who shares similar values, you will not have this problem because if you are important to them, so is everyone who is important to you.

Photo by micheile dot com on Unsplash

As you run through these questions, it is important to be truthful with yourself. As we get older, it becomes more difficult to meet someone. We all have baggage from previous relationships, and we worry about wasting time being single.

We cling to a relationship because we think it’s too hard to find someone else, we don’t deserve anything better, or it’s too late. None of this is true, and they are not good enough reasons to make do with something that doesn’t feel right deep down.

If a loving, caring, equal, fulfilling relationship is something you dream of, do not settle for anything less. That person is out there wishing for the same thing.

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My husband told me that when he was single, he used to look across the sea to the horizon and tell himself that there must be someone for him somewhere.

I used to dream about being in love, literally dream about it! I would wake up wondering where I would find this person who would make me feel the way I had felt in my dream.

You deserve to be with someone who nourishes you, loves you, and supports you. You deserve to be in a relationship filled with joy, laughter, and excitement. You deserve to be with someone you can open up to because you trust them completely.

Don’t settle. You will never find that relationship until you are free, single and open to receiving the love you are worthy of.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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