Fifteen years ago, I became a father. Where the time went, I don’t know, but I lost it somewhere between December of 2010 and today.
“Cherish these moments. They grow up fast,” said older parents when they witnessed the limitless energy of my babies. I replied with a smile but didn’t recognize their wisdom.
My youth convinced me that I had many Father’s Day holidays ahead. With this blog post, I’m asking you to do something I couldn’t do as a younger parent.
I’ve learned a few things about fatherhood that I want to share. My advice comes from an inner space of humility. I often receive compliments on the behavior and intelligence of my children, but I’ve made mistakes like every parent in existence.
Evidence of my imperfections comes up anytime anyone whispers about having more children in my wife’s presence. She twists her face and says something like, “Do you know how hard it was/is raising the ones we have? I can’t fathom starting over.” Despite my super involvement, the trauma and stench of three toddlers in diapers still lingers.
The consistent shenanigans of my two sons and daughter remind me that holidays do not offer a break from parenting. Father’s Day and every day serve as reminders that I must earn the titles, “baba, dad, father, papa, and man with the big forehead/receding hairline.” Seasoned folks were right.
I remember the US Army commercials with their slogan, “Be All You Can Be,” and join the Army. The images of men in camouflage clothing carrying guns almost convinced me that military service offered the route to manhood. Experiences taught me otherwise.
My research and Kier Gaines’s podcast, “(L)Earned the Hard Way,” have reinforced the importance of deconstructing masculinity, addressing childhood traumas, and identifying mental health resources to improve as a man, husband, and father.
After Father’s Day, I offer the following parenting suggestions to you:
When you correct your children, embrace your authority, issue the consequence, and let it ride. Do not whip, spank, or attempt to beat the whining, crying, or fussing out of them. Embrace empathy and understand that expressing the full range of human emotions is a normal part of development.
While being firm with your children is important, you must also remain flexible to look for teachable moments. Sometimes children need discipline; other times, they need a hug, some guidance, and plenty of redirection. When you get upset, be still; let God, the ancestors, and experience teach you discernment.
Children learn best from what you do. You can talk and lecture them all you want, but if you don’t model the desired behavior, they will not change. Children learn how to “do life” from you.
My “Be” suggestions are intentional. Excelling in fatherhood mandates BEing present. Unplug and spend mindful time with your family.
Firmness, flexibility, and presence also require fitness. Prioritize exercise, eat nutritious meals, read books, and develop spiritual practices. To win the parent game, you must invest in your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
If you’re having a difficult time parenting, find a therapist, connect with an older parent, and explore additional learning resources. i.e., blogs, podcasts, books, videos, etc.
Read more of my advice collected over the last fifteen years in my latest book, Dear Brother. You can also find applicable familial leadership lessons in these courses. I am also currently taking coaching clients.
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This post was previously published on Vernon C. Lindsay, PhD.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Vernon Lindsay
