Common Reasons Why People Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

Why don’t you just leave?

Why do you stay with them if they are upsetting you so much?

What is it about him/her?

If you’ve ever been in an unhealthy relationship, I’m sure you have been asked these questions before. In fact, you’ve probably asked them yourself.

People often stay in unhealthy relationships for way too long. We rarely leave at the first sign that a relationship isn’t working because we don’t like to admit that we have made a mistake. The longer time goes on, the more we try to justify staying.

Common reasons why we stay in a relationship that hurts us

Love hurts

Pain in relationships has been romanticised throughout social media, in films and through song lyrics. “But, I love him” has often been used to justify behaviour and situations that we should not be putting up with.

It’s not like they have hit me or anything

You hear about so many truly awful, violent, abusive relationships that you think your relationship isn’t that bad. You may feel sad and lonely a lot of the time, but it could be a lot worse.

It’s the best I can get, and I should be grateful I have someone
Years of failed relationships take their toll. Self-confidence plummets, and boundaries loosen, so you end up putting up with things that you once wouldn’t have dreamed of accepting.

Being single sucks

You believe that the pain of the relationship is not as bad as what you would feel if you were single. You prefer being in a relationship, so you overlook messages indicating you should call it a day.

We’ve been together so long

You don’t want to waste time already spent in the relationship: all those months or years, all that drama. If you end it, it all would have been for nothing.

I can change and make it better

You take on full responsibility for the troubles within the relationship. You twist and turn yourself into knots to make it work because that’s what you do when you “love” someone.

I can change them

You believe you can love them enough to fix them. Then they will feel better about themselves, and the relationship will be perfect. You tell yourself that you can make them see what they are doing wrong and stop them from doing it.

I’m staying because of the children

You don’t want them to have to split their time between the both of you and believe they are better off living in a two-parent household despite the arguments. You tell yourself that they are not affected by the unhealthy environment your relationship is causing.

Where would I go?

Living together, sharing children, and joint finances all keep you tied to each other, making it seem impossible to break up. You can’t just up and leave.

There’s no point leaving. I always go back

You have left and returned before, so you have lost trust in yourself and feel powerless. You are addicted to the highs of the rollercoaster ride and can’t seem to break free.

We leave when our beliefs turn

This can be a one-off situation that brings everything crashing down or a slow build-up as we start to question the above reasons for staying.

• We realise that the hurt we are experiencing cannot be love. As soon as we start questioning this, we start noticing happy, healthy relationships, which proves our point.
• As hurtful moments build, we start to accept that this relationship is harmful to our emotional well-being. We can no longer ignore the pain it is causing by telling ourselves it’s not as bad as someone else’s level of pain.
• We meet someone who enables us to recognise our own self-worth. Not necessarily a new romantic connection. Someone’s words about how we deserve more manage to sneak through that cloud of low self-esteem.
• We change something in our lives that gives us a self-confidence boost and makes us feel better about ourselves — a new job, promotion, achieving a goal, or even just a day out with our friends.
• We realise we will feel less lonely being single than in a relationship that causes pain and sadness.
• We decide we don’t want to waste any more time in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
• We recognise that we will never be able to do or change enough to make them happy or make the relationship work, nor should we have to. We realise that changing ourselves to fit the relationship is causing us to lose who we are.
• We realise that whatever we do to help them will never be enough. We become aware that they are draining our energy and taking us down with them, that they will never see the error in their ways and that only they can change themselves.
• We see our children upset and confused and realise that the relationship is taking away the time and energy we should be spending on them. We start to understand that parenting separately will be better for them.
• We come across some information that gives us options. We become aware that we are not stuck where we are. This could be a suggestion from someone or a story of someone else in a similar situation that managed to leave and find true love.
• The highs become less potent as the downs become more frequent, and all we can think about is being free from this relationship. Suddenly, we know that this time, we are leaving for good.

Any relationship that brings continuous emotional pain and sadness is harmful. Any relationship where you cannot be yourself is unhealthy. Any one-sided relationship will not work.

If you are struggling to find a way out of a relationship filled with arguments, drama, and upset, ask yourself how you will feel another year down the line when you are in the same place (or worse). If your relationship is sucking the life out of you, be aware that you can only give so much before it starts taking its toll on your health and well-being.

A healthy relationship gives each person wings to fly, not chains to pull them down. A sense of freedom comes from being in an equal, loving relationship. Being free to be yourself comes from wanting, not needing each other.

Choose to give your time, love and commitment to a relationship that builds you up, makes you laugh and brings you joy. Don’t deprive yourself of a true love story because of something that has become a habit and no longer works.

Love yourself enough to be alone until the person and love you deserve finds its way to you.

If you would like a weekly dose of motivation to look after yourself and a boost of self-confidence and self-love straight into your inbox, please sign up for my newsletter: Rediscover You | Lisa Johnson | Substack

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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