What Allows Intimacy to Flourish? Thoughts From my 17-Year-Old Self

*I recently uncovered these musings that I wrote back in 2007, when I was 17. I’m now 32 and my views on intimacy have evolved somewhat, but still share a lot of the same core beliefs as my teenage self.

In reading this I invite you to ask yourselves: how have your views on intimacy changed through the years? What qualities or circumstances allow you to be most intimate with others?

Different friends for different things. My psychology teacher broached this idea in class, and I could not agree more. In attempting to answer the question “what qualities do you look for in friends?” I realized that I look for the whole gamut, spread across a wide variety of individuals.

Some friends are good to go dancing with, but you could never imagine sitting down and pouring your soul to them. There are others that you couldn’t see comfortable on a dance floor, but on the other hand could see listening to your problems, and thoughtfully providing input. Still others you can simply sit in silence with and not feel uncomfortable; it’s not that there’s nothing to say, but rather, nothing needs to be said.

There’s a friend for every mood. I’m almost glad that it’s impossible for someone to possess every single quality, because it forces us to mix up our friendships and not get set on one single person. It keeps things interesting. It keeps us more connected to a network of people, rather than with just one friend who “has it all.”

That being said, there are some friends I am more intimate with than others. Generally, I will be more intimate with people I see myself as similar to. I will share more with them because I’ll feel confident that they understand where I’m coming from. If they think in a similar way as me, I’ll feel as if my phrasing won’t come off sounding incredibly far-fetched. This confidence encourages less censorship of myself and greater ability get to the heart of what I really want to say.

If I don’t believe a person is similar to me, even if they might be and I just don’t know it, I’ll feel less confident when I’m talking to them; saying less, talking more, and censoring words at every crack and turn. This has nothing to do with how much I like a person; it simply has to do with my sense of how similar they are to me, and thus to what extent they would understand my situation.

“Liking” or being infatuated with the person doesn’t play into the equation. In fact, it’s almost harder for me to become intimate with people I really like, as I’m worried about messing up in front of them.

Censorship of my words is probably at its peak either around people I really like, people that really intimidate me, or people that I perceive as so different than me that they would by no means understand my situation. Paradoxically, in the moments that call for a more cogent and lucid articulation of my thought process (as people who are “so different from me” would require this more than people who are “the same as me” would), I put forth just the opposite: closed, choppy, censored communication.

This fosters an un-intimate relationship, and thus, people I a) perceive as “different from me” and b) am infatuated with, will generally view me as more distant.

So if I have trouble being intimate with people I “really like” how do I have romantic relationships? If I’m always too nervous to let down my guard in front of someone I’m interested in, how will I ever date? Well, this inability for me to be intimate with anyone I really really like is only true when I don’t know the person prior to when the crush develops. Feeling awkward and ashamed that I have a crush on the person when I’ve barely even talked to them, I keep my distance and try not to do anything that would appear “creepy” or that would give away the fact that I liked them.

However, if the crush develops between me and someone I’ve been friends with, I feel less awkward. I know the person, therefore it’s not creepy for me to have a crush on them, and I can rest easy knowing this. The ice has been broken between me and them, and there’s none of that awkward “Should I say hi, should I not?” thought battle when you’re passing them in the hallways. They’re your friend, so of course you’ll say hi and it won’t betray any romantic interest.

I know the psychology behind this is a little strange, but generally what I’m saying is, the one “serious” relationship I had while I was in high school started off as a friendship, and developed into the two of us liking each other. I’ve never had to conquer my fear of becoming intimate with someone subsequent to me developing a crush on them. The intimacy has always come before the crush.

The point I’m most comfortable sharing intimate details with someone is when I know I can trust them. If they’ve just shared something important about themselves, I therefore feel more comfortable sharing something about me. It can be a back-and-forth process, their confessions unlocking keys to your own confessions, and vice-versa. The more he or she shares, the more comfortable you feel sharing. Sometimes you can be on a roll, and trust just builds and builds.

Consequently, I can’t be intimate with someone if they won’t share intimate details of their life with me. That’s where the give and take of friendship comes into play. I also find it hard to be intimate with someone if they have a reputation for being a “gossip” or a “secret spoiler.” I may be able to have a good time with them, or be physically intimate with them, ie, hug them and cuddle and maybe kiss, but emotional intimacy can be tough. You don’t want your confessions to be yet another piece of gossip that leaves your friend’s mouth, so you keep things from them. I definitely have friends like that.

It’s also easier to be intimate with people I’ve known for longer. They have a better sense of who I am because they have “context;” they know about my family and my past and some of what I’ve been through. They’re fairer judges of my situations, for the most part. More so than say, a friend you’ve just made that year who hasn’t met your parents and doesn’t know that an incident that took place in Mrs. Cox’s third grade class is part of the reason for why you act a certain way today.

You may connect with that new friend, but he or she doesn’t hold as big a piece of you as the childhood friends do. Intimacy, in and of itself, is having a piece of someone else and in turn knowing they have bits and pieces of you. Your childhood is a pretty big piece of who you are, so there’s an automatic surge in intimacy between people who were able to live through those years with you.

All in all, I value intimacy, but I don’t let my guard down with just anyone. If I can trust you, if you appear similar to me, or if I don’t have a crush on you prior to knowing you, I can usually become intimate fairly fast. Otherwise, it may take a little longer to get there.

I don’t think I have ever been in love. What I’m trying to do right now is not to chase it. There was once a quote about happiness being similar to a butterfly, that when you chase it, it eludes you, but when you turn your back to it, it will flutter over to you and land peacefully on your shoulder. I think the same can be said of love. When you’re not pursuing it, it will eventually come and find you.

I’ll continue to float along and see what happens. I do think that my habit of developing crushes on people before I become intimate with them will inhibit me from having relationships with many people that I’d like to have relationships with, but for the most part, I’m confident that I’ll be in love one day, and that perhaps I’ll grow out of the inability to become close with people just because I have a crush on them.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***