I open the mail and there is a medical bill that I was not aware existed. It’s for an eye exam I had over six months ago. I have insurance, I paid my copay, and I thought that was it. Then I get the anti-Christmas present. If there is one thing that shoots a parent’s stress up it is the unknown bills of parenting that are floating around the world like little fighter pilots ready to bomb your Zen. Day after day, year after year, these parenting stressors bring around burnout, and our kids are noticing.
It’s the day-to-day stress that really gets to us. Job difficulties, marriage problems, Dora not exploring, a particularly emotional episode of Bluey. How about schedules? How many have to be at the soccer fields at the same time we have to be at the volleyball courts, but wait, I just got back from a conference at 11 pm last night and there is a school field trip 3 hours away.
Don’t forget to make dinner.
Ok, we’ve established that stress as a parent comes just because we exist. To be a parent is to be under pressure. And that can begin to affect our own moods. I become short-tempered and my anxiety goes up. I lose my patience easily, and I get hyper-focused on the next task. Lord help the poor kid that then tries to take me off that task. Because if I can just finish folding this last load of laundry, while I brainstorm the next article, and get the dog to the vet, my world be fine.
How our stress affects our kids.
The simplest explanation is that our stress takes us away from our kids. To use a sports saying, we are not giving a 110%. The quality time of our quality time is lessened, and this can lead to kids feeling “rejection, lowered self-esteem, disruptive and aggressive behaviors,” and “social withdrawal.”
Fantastic, now my stress is adding to my stress.
There have been tons of studies that have looked at how our stress as parents affects our kids. Sometimes it’s subtle and it takes a while for you to notice, but other times it can be more drastic. Grades dropping, self-medication and substance in ourselves and our children, or increased conflict at home.
The cliché trope around the parenting world is that our teenagers are argumentized. First, they are. But it’s also because they are stressed. And we are stressed. While we are worrying about their future and our own ability to guide them, they are dealing with high school politics, busy schedules, and possible college pressures. Not only that, but they are also way more aware of what’s going on in the world than a lot of us Gen Xers were. And then bam, inflation hits and we see it in our grocery budget.
Their tsunami of stress collides with our hurricane of stress and the Thunderdome is on. That’s a Mad Max reference, by the way. If you haven’t seen the one with Tina Turner, you should. It pretty much describes how I deal with my stress, which turns into a big fighting pit where everyone is going at it.
This isn’t good for anyone.
To take care of your kids, you first have to take care of yourself.
This advice seems counterintuitive, but it’s the best advice I can give to parents. If you don’t take care of your mental health, and your stress, it’s going to become a problem. I spend a whole chapter in The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad Manual talking about this. And sadly, it’s one of the last questions I get asked in interviews.
In fathers, our stress can often manifest as anger. Especially when we are taking care of toddlers. We are not as comfortable with that age group for a variety of reasons. We have never been encouraged, we are rarely supported, and the literature for us out there is often condescending. But that doesn’t help us manage our stress or our anger. So I tell dads, and all parents, to walk away for ten minutes. Put yourself in time-out.
The point is you never want to parent from extreme highs or lows. That’s advice I got fifteen years ago from a parenting expert (nope, can’t remember their name). But I have adhered to it for the entire time I’ve been the primary caregiver for my kids.
Next, remember that you are more than a parent. You are a person with hobbies and interests. Ditched the parenting guilt that you aren’t giving that 110% because that’s not possible. Take time to do something that only you enjoy.
Now, what about the things that we can’t control like the unexpected bill or work invading our home space? Honestly, this is where a lot of us struggle. Look, I know that I’m a bit of a control freak, and when something happens outside of my control, and my inability to fix it, my stress gets the better of me.
The best solution that I have found is to rely on my support system. They exist in both the parenting and non-parenting world, but you have to go find it. You have to join the parenting group either in person or online. And it doesn’t even have to be a parenting group. Join a quilting circle, neighborhood watch, or a D and D troop. It really doesn’t matter. The point is to find people that you can share the burdens of life with. Because in the end, that’s what we are really doing every day. We are fighting the good fight but sometimes it just gets too much.
There is a lot more advice to give here, which is why you should read chapter four of the Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad Manual. From practicing mindfulness, being present when you are with your kids, and surrounding yourself with positive reinforcement. That sounds all very touchy-feely, but it works. I even know a guy that does the isolation tanks when he gets too stressed. And of course, diet and exercise, but let’s be honest, they always tell parents this as if the toddler can even keep up with my gains. He’s not strong yet.
Obviously, I use humor to help deal with my stress.
But I’ll say it again because it is the one lesson every parent needs to hear, and yet we all fail to listen.
Manage your stress by taking the time to focus on yourself first. Your kids will notice the difference.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
