In Aikido practice, we trained with the bokuto (wooden sword). The semei strikes their bukuto. As the shite, I wait out the attack. I stand straight and tall in profile, holding my bokuto with my right hand by my side. As the semei strikes, I hold my bokuto with both hands in front, under the attack. I extend the kensaki (sword tip) forward. I strike the semei first extending the kensaki which opens my hips. To avoid getting hit, the semei retreats from my strike. I continue moving forward and strike the top the semei’s head from my right side. Then I strike the top of the semei’s head from my left side. I don’t stop. The semei dies, albeit metaphorically. This is training. Not a fight.
Ishibashi Sensei instructed not to aggress the attack. I don’t tense up my body. I don’t expose my fear. Otherwise, the semei counters my actions. Then I die, metaphorically. My actions always have consequences. I work on myself, not on the attacker. Sensei said, “Be quiet inside.” That’s the training. I’m quiet inside. I let go of my fear inside. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I’m my GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent. It’s me against me.
I face attacks, not only in Aikido, in the Dojo, but in life. Life can occur as continuous conflict with attacks coming from all different directions. Still, the attacks and the attackers are irrelevant. Sensei says, “Apply the (Aikido) technique to yourself.” The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger. In the center of the attack, I choose who I am and what I do.
Whether it’s the bokuto strike or the 250-pound man punching to my head, I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time. I match the attack in my attack. If I defend, I can be defeated. I wait out the bokuto strike and strike first. I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the 250-pound man’s punch with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the attacker’s head). I let the attack pass or end the attack. The attacker takes the fall or stands down from their attack. We both choose. What happens, happens.
I enter the attack, enter what I fear and let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although, my fear never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free myself. Everything quiet inside me.
I loved someone. I said, “I love you.” She loved me, but was not in love with me. I dared to fail bravely, dared to be me. I failed bravely, too. That was the bravest I have ever been. My fear inside that I was not good enough was truth. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I love and forgive mine own self. Quiet inside me. Just train.
In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not on the path to end suffering. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. Everything quiet inside.
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Photo by Iva Rajović on Unsplash
