Why Does It Seem Like It’s Increasingly Difficult to Talk to Our Kids?

I find myself facing this daunting challenge as a parent in our rapidly changing times: talking to my children is becoming increasingly difficult. You see, I still remember the cozy evenings spent sharing stories and laughter which seemed to be replaced by flickering screens.

You hear this all the time but it wasn’t until one evening, as I watched my teenager engrossed in her phone, that I fully realized that digital distractions have taken center stage in her life. I still want the heart-to-heart conversations we used to have, but the constant barrage of notifications and the allure of virtual connections seemed to be all-consuming.

Of course, my reflex was to set some “technology boundaries”. Device-free dinner times to encourage meaningful conversations with all the accompanying health benefits of limited digital interruptions naturally seemed like a good place to start. As you would expect this was met with resistance, however, it is now a firmly established tradition that is strengthening our bond as a family.

You see I actually have two teenagers and I had noticed before now, the impact of peer pressure as they transitioned into their teenage years (like the pressure to wear more fashionable clothes). I noticed other subtle changes in behavior and communication patterns which, I usually just ascribed to, “kids today”!

However, now I pay closer attention and as a result, I think I understand their world a little better. I try to observe and participate in some of their interests too. I have familiarized myself with a few of their favorite TV shows, video games, and social media platforms.

The results?

Well, my efforts to be informed are yielding some fruit. For instance, I have a little more understanding of what is going on in their lives, we have new conversation starters, and also some points of connection that I didn’t think existed before. However, I feel that despite all my efforts some conversations remained strained.

It is like the information overload on the internet clouds our discussions, and differing viewpoints sometimes lead to stalemates, and sometimes, emotions run high that I had to grapple with my own vulnerability as a parent stepping into “their world”. Luckily, I remember adolescence being a rollercoaster of emotions, so I try to let them know that it is okay to feel.

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Clearly, the generation gap plays a huge role here. The world has changed drastically since I was their age, so much so that I sometimes wonder if understanding their experiences isn’t ultimately an insurmountable task.

What do the experts say?

According to Dr. Preston Ni M.S.B.A and author of “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult Teenagers,” teenagers are often a self-contradictory breed: they strive for individuality yet crave peer acceptance and they much experience but like to act like they know everything. And some of them, Ni adds, seem to thrive on testing and challenging authority. So it can be difficult to connect with them.

“…teenagers are often a self-contradictory breed: they strive for individuality yet crave peer acceptance and they lack experience but like to act like they know everything.”

What seems to help with us

I usually share some of my own experiences from my teenage years with my kids: my triumphs, and the mistakes I made. It seems through this act of vulnerability, I think I have created a safe space where they too can be authentic without fear of judgment.

Accepting that I grew up in a different time, I make a conscious effort to put aside my preconceived notions and judgments. It isn’t always easy but eventually, my teenagers have picked up on this, and are more willing to express themselves a bit more freely. It is remarkable how this simple shift in my approach opened up the door of emotions, concerns, and dreams they have been holding back.

“It isn’t always easy but eventually, my teenagers have picked up on this, and are more willing to express themselves a bit more freely.”

Again, dealing with the generation gap, I accept that perhaps the key is not to fully comprehend every aspect of their lives, but rather to show them that I cared and was willing to learn alongside them. But still, I believe more than anything, that my kids at least need my help to become critical consumers of pop culture. It will help them cope with the inundation of the culture through the various media channels. To this end, I advise parents to encourage questions and promote media literacy to enable them to be more discerning.

“But still, I believe more than anything, that my kids at least need my help to become critical consumers of pop culture. It will help them cope with the inundation of the culture through the various media channels.”

Luckily, during the inevitable setbacks and moments of frustration in the gradual process of building that open channel of communication with my teens, I remained steadfast. Establishing the foundation of our relationship was worth the effort!

Experts say that teens crave respect. So one way a parent help is by being willing to calmly debate issues rather than just demand obedience. So when they bring up contentious issues be grateful for the opportunity and also know that it is a good thing when teens feel comfortable enough with their parents to raise contentious issues because it signifies the high level of comfort and trust they have with them

In the end, we all have some growing to do: they, into adults and me, as a parent. Looking back from where we are now, there is no doubt we have forged deeper bonds. We may still face challenges along the way but I am confident that we can navigate this ever-changing world together.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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