Are you at the point where you feel like dating is exhausting?
You may look around and see your friends and family in successful relationships and think it cannot happen for you.
I don’t bring that up to make you feel like these things are true.
Dating is not easy, but guess what? It is not that hard, either.
There are things you do that create the dead-end cycle that you experience of failed relationships.
No, it is not all on you, but there is a level of responsibility to accept if you want to progress and move forward.
I get it. The feeling can weigh on you. You might think something is wrong with you, or you will never find a match.
Changing your mindset and adapting is not something that happens overnight but is the base of the pyramid we’ll work through in this article.
Unlearning behaviors and installing new ones is something we all know we have to do, yet people avoid doing it at all costs.
By the end of this article, we’ll reframe your thinking and get you on the path to success, so let’s ride.
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Nice reflection
People have this illusion that what has not gone well for them and their relationships in the past does not land on them.
Even if the responsibility is shared, there is a subconscious thought that it was 49% their fault and that it was not 50:50 or even perhaps mainly their problem.
You then think the perfect person will come along and fulfill your needs.
When you take a deeper look, you will begin to notice how selfish that sounds.
The first step in ending the cycle is to look at your contributions to your relationships ending.
Yes, it sounds simple, but there is more to peel back than people generally do.
People look at their failures and label them as reacting to their partner’s actions.
If you follow my writing, you know I cut out the bulls*it and hold you accountable.
You would also know that I write about attachment style, behaviors we adopt from our view of relationships in our juvenile and adult years.
Have you sat down and reflected on your actions that led to bad communication, conflict resolution, boundary setting, and emotional intelligence?
The first key to success is to hold yourself accountable without thinking about how your partner affected you.
Now, that does not mean that you were not in a dynamic where you left a situation that wasn’t healthy for you.
The goal here is to set up an understanding of yourself and how you react in times of turmoil.
It will set the base for how you move forward with healthy boundaries and needs that you can share in the future.
Purpose
Before I sound like an old boomer, I am all for free will and patience.
We have transitioned into a dangerous time when everyone is free-flowing and letting the cards fall where they may.
If you want to be successful, you have to kill that.
Modern-day dating has turned the timeline backward.
People want to meet someone new, and if it leads to a relationship, great.
Forget all of that. Get out here, date with intention, and find out if someone fits that profile.
Too many of you aren’t clear with your expectations, and when someone does not fulfill a standard you haven’t laid out, you are disappointed.
How does that make sense?
You know what you want and the type of person you want to fit that profile. Stop play dating.
Learning to walk away from a dynamic that does not serve you is powerful.
It does not mean something is wrong with the person you are walking away from. It means you are not the right fit for each other.
No resentment, no ill will, just an understanding of what you are looking for.
Stop seeing where things go, give it a chance, and wait to see if things change.
Blast from the past
The last key is the most common, and it hurts me to see.
I won’t beat around the bush with this one and get to the point.
It is not the next person’s responsibility to cure the wound from the pain of your last relationship.
What happens is that what you did like about your ex is also paired with what they are not good at.
So, the next person you meet must be funny and outgoing. Then, since your ex was deficient in an area, they must also be fit and passionate.
When that doesn’t work out, the next person must be funny, outgoing, fit, passionate, selfless, and generous.
You snowball each of your experiences and then have a list of qualities that a superhero couldn’t fulfill.
Yes, you want to develop an ideal partner from lessons learned from the past, but I see so many people run when the next person shows 1% of that negative characteristic.
When you harbor that need to flee, what that shows is that you have not gotten over the wounds of your old relationship.
Maybe you are not ready to be back on the dating scene.
There is a new chapter to start with someone, and you can use lessons from the previous two keys to learn how to navigate this one.
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Your dating life is not hopeless, but there are contributions you have made to the dead-end cycle you’re experiencing.
Know the difference between what is within your control and not your responsibility to manage.
You’re going to make it.
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a free coaching session. Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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