When you choose Mr. Right, Or Your Dream Girl
In sociology, philosophy, and neurology, determinism suggests that you don’t really have any free will at all. Maybe we are locked in to what we see as choice, but these preferences really allow no real decisions at all.
Determinists believe all your previous life experience and social development thus far have already predetermined an outcome for what may feel like choice, but is really unconsciously already programmed.
Let’s look at a typical boy meets girl story.
Jenny had broken up with Brandon seven months ago. She still missed him a lot. Seeing him with Judy made it so painful for her. When Jason came along and offered friendship, she thought, “Why not?”
Jenny, Jason, and Brandon have plenty of back story
Jenny warned herself not to fall for Jason. She knew she was vulnerable and that being on the rebound could attract the wrong kind of attention for someone opportunistic. She also knew that Jason was not really her ‘soul mate.’ She was uncertain such a perfect match could even exist. Things had been perfect with Jason, after all, until he started looking at a different college and career paths. She had told Jason from the beginning she would not leave Fresno, her friends and family. Then Judy, (that vampire!), started talking non-stop about all the classes and networks that would be perfect for Brandon outside of San Diego.
Jenny would hold out for husband and father material in ‘ her man.’
Brandon missed Jenny too. But what a two-faced liar she turned out to be… Her signature “brand” was Brandon before all others. She talked about tattooing it! Now, he had seen her all over town with Jason Jackson. Jenny’s best friend Marcia told Brandon that Jenny and Jason were kicked out of the library for canoodling like two dope-sick adolescents. Bruce said they were just talking and laughing too loud, but why would Marcia make it up? Brandon worked hard and got good grades. Still, he saved every Thursday night for Jenny. Jenny used this to treat him like a puppy dog. Brandon kissed Judy just two experimental times, but now Judy was providing a shoulder for him. Judy treated him like a mature man, and had made no lewd moves. In fact, Judy wouldn’t shut up about her crush on some married man. Judy could never be his partner — for this and many reasons.
Brandon knows he wants a reliable woman who can be a mother to his kids and faithful forever.
Jason and Jenny and predetermined fates
Jason has fallen hard for Jenny. But Jenny seems to be playing hard to get. She put him in the friend zone before they had even talked for thirty minutes. Jason has arranged to spend more time with her, but will keep it casual for now.
Jenny thinks Jason is a really nice guy. He is bright, witty, industrious, and attractive in an imperfect ‘husky’ kind of way. Jenny cares a lot about fitness, so wonders if Jason will get fat — or worse — if she will gain weight, if they get lazy. Jenny has had to work hard to stay slim and keep her skin clear. Jason has perfect skin. That would be a genetic plus.
Jason stopped buying Jenny expensive gifts and movie tickets. It made her uncomfortable, but he still gives her the silly, inexpensive ones and insists on buying her latte in the refillable commuter cup. Jenny does not know what to make of this, so she just smiles and says thank you.
Jenny and Jason have two separate worlds of their nature/nurture (I like the word “NUR-NATURE” which accepts that our nature and nurture are not two separate things.) Jenny, who really loves Brandon, felt he really was there for her when her parents divorced. Her dad’s affair has made Jenny unconsciously wary of new, rebound, relationships. Her mother’s hysterics taught her not to get carried away or it will end badly.
Jenny had a hard time finding friends when her weight was high and her skin was blotched. Brandon looked past all of that. She feels he helps her be a healthier person. Jason never knew her when she was “ugly” or before her mom won financial independence and they finally had two cars. Jenny was also wary of ‘the other woman,’ like her dad’s friend, the home-wrecker, Lola. Jenny has learned from everyone around her that ‘soul mates’ are a fantasy. She has also learned that family loyalty — as to her mother and her alone in the world — meant sticking together, not moving away as her dad and brother did over this past year.
Brandon stays on brand
Brandon is colored according to his brain and heart too. He loves Jenny, but he won’t play the fool. He is ambitious and will make something of himself, internationally, if he sets out for San Diego and Mexico. He has always seen himself as less provincial than Jenny’s family. He is fit, healthy, easy-going, and wants a full time partner, not a party girl like Jenny, or the love-sick Judy.
Jason and Jenny do not stay together for long. All of Jenny’s preconceived concerns, and Jason’s over-eager attitude turn her away. Jason also has personal memories, experiences, and attitudes shaped by societal mores.
When we have a jealous reaction our emotions are flooded and our thinking is fuzzy. All the people in every story are reacting to their own hormones, neurochemistry, and life events that paint their experience.
Jenny and Jason, if they could know what they are thinking, feeling, and reacting too, may well have made a great couple. But they will never know.
We all have to ‘make sense’ of what we feel, and what we think.
Everyone in the story thinks they are making choices of their own free will. The fact is, though, everything they choose, although not arbitrary, is carefully crafted by the body and brain of every character and their social drives.
No one, in other words, has true free will.
That said, not every thinker and researcher believes in determinism. We can come back to other views — soft determinism, compatibility adaptation, in another story.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Moritz Knöringer on Unsplash
