“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” — George Orwell
Humans may not be the savviest species on the block — every firefly is being the best firefly it can be, which is hard to say for anyone with a driver’s license — but we do a few things brilliantly.
We are natural pattern-matching machines. We love to tell stories about ourselves. And we can all become benevolent, compassionate, sensually charged sex machines if we could learn to get out of our own way and forget we forgot to love each other.
That’s a job for another time. This is about how our yarn-spinning and pattern-matching prowess can backfire when we need to move on from past disappointments and slights and allow our deepest wounds to heal and rewarding new relationships to form.
If you’ve noticed yourself repeating self-destructive behaviors and alienating your romantic partners in frustratingly similar ways, this is for you, as it includes ways to stop doing that.
A note about metaphors
There are schools of thought that assume our experiences are largely dictated by the language we use. I think that’s useful as far as it goes.
A common metaphor for recognizing the tendency to repeat our mistakes is “fighting the last war.” In Robert Greene’s sprawling and fascinating book The 33 Strategies of War, it’s the second. I prefer the word “battle” over “war” because these incidents can occur frequently within smaller contexts, in different ways every time.
I also understand why you might not find war metaphors appropriate for describing loving relationships, or any relationships, or anything. I think it helps communicate the urgency of the stakes. Fluency in military strategy can be an informative prism through which to understand the actions of those in power. But if it works better for you, substitute “cross the last river,” “paint the last painting,” or “fake the last orgasm.”
On fighting the last battle
When you “fight the last battle,” you repeat actions and behaviors that may have served you in the past because you imagine you’re seeing the same situation you faced before happening again. You might do this without consciously realizing it, which can make it even more insidious.
It’s insidious because your assumption is inaccurate. Nothing ever repeats itself exactly. To borrow another metaphor, “it’s impossible to step in the same river twice” because life simply does not flow in that way. The only constant is constant change.
And this is increasingly true all the time. We live in an age of rapid transformation and jarring discontinuity. All bets are off. No one’s prepared for what’s already happened. The most important skills, which you can’t live without, are mindful observation and the ability to adapt and improvise in real-time.
On a personal level, every relationship is different because it involves at least two different people who are different from the way they were in their previous relationships, or even five minutes ago.
When you “fight the last battle,” it is often a response to unhealed or unaddressed trauma. This robs you of the opportunity to heal and to relate in new ways, not to mention being unfair to your new partners and potentially ruinous for new relationships.
But when you catch yourself doing it, you have a chance to avoid it, see what’s really happening, and go forth in a new direction.
When this opportunity strikes, here are some ideas for what to do.
Acknowledge and process your emotions
Recognize and accept your feelings without judgment. Understand how past experiences shape your experience through lingering emotions. Allow yourself to grieve, be angry, or feel whatever emotions arise. Let them do their thing. It won’t last forever, and this self-awareness is crucial for moving forward.
Communicate openly with your partner
Foster and prioritize open and honest communication with your partner. You can be kind and compassionate without hiding anything. Share your thoughts and feelings, including any concerns related to past experiences. Discuss boundaries, expectations, and how you both can support each other in overcoming individual and shared challenges.
Consider therapy, counseling, or other external support
Consider seeking therapy, either individually or as a couple. A qualified therapist can provide guidance, help navigate emotions, and offer coping strategies. Therapy can be a valuable space to explore and address past traumas in a supportive environment. Help is out there, although it may not be in the first place you look. When you find it, it’s worth the investment.
Focus on personal growth
Your best self is your evolving, adaptable self, so do the work to bring that self to your relationships as much as you can. Focus on your own personal development. Engage in activities that bring you joy, pursue hobbies, and invest time in self-reflection. Building a strong sense of self can positively impact your relationships and help you navigate challenges more effectively. And find a partner who’s willing to do likewise.
By combining these strategies, maintaining an open mind, and adapting to change, you can work towards breaking the cycle of past resentments and trauma. This can allow for healthier and more fulfilling romantic and sexual relationships now and for the rest of your life, free from the burden of responding to experiences that were over a long time ago.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Mike Bowman on Unsplash
