A healthy relationship in the modern world frees couples from the head-down daily grind of a busy life at work and home. Dr. Jason Frishman shared with us in an upcoming episode of the Modern Husbands Podcast that we often need to make daily intentional efforts to be present and supportive of our spouses.
Imagine when you and your spouse cross paths for the first time after work. This moment can set the tone for the remainder of your evening.
Experts recommend three easily applicable strategies to manage that moment that can be completed in less than ten minutes.
1. Be Present
Just before your spouse arrives home, take 60 seconds to become present in the moment.
Find a quiet and comfortable space. Take a few deep breaths, allowing all of your senses to take hold one sense at a time.
Take in the smell of the air. Observe the specifics of your surroundings. Run your fingertips over different surfaces. Listen intently to the sounds in your environment. Engage your taste buds by savoring a small treat or a sip of a comforting beverage.
Your mind is now in the moment, making it easier to focus on your spouse rather than treating your first interaction after work as a distraction from what you were working on or doing.
2. Be curious and supportive
Get an early read on your spouse’s mood or what your partner wants to discuss.
We all have bad days; if this is one, establish whether your spouse needs space, solutions, or a supportive ear for venting.
Many men have a propensity to provide solutions to their spouse’s problems. The best way to support them as they work through problems at work is to allow them the emotional space needed or be the emotional outlet to release what has been bottled up all day, freeing their mind to solve their problems.
Bidding
Hopefully, every day is not a bad day of work for your partner. In that case, pay close attention to your partner’s bids.
Dr. John Gottman is regarded as a legendary relationship expert. Dr. Gottman refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. They’re requests to connect. They might be an expression, question, or physical outreach. They can be funny, serious, or sexual in nature.
Dr. Gottman shared in his book, Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, that happy couples who stay together typically ignore less than 20% of their partner’s bids. Partners who ignored 50% or more of their partners’ bids typically end up divorced.
According to Dr. Gottman, when your spouse “bids,” you should “turn toward,” meaning that you act in a responsive, interested, positive, and loving way.
Physically
Turn towards them, reach out, touch them, look at them. Nod, smile, wink.
Verbally
Say, “I hear you,” “I want to be with you,” or “I’m interested in you.” Ask a question.
Actions
Change your behavior in response to their bid.
3. Be grateful
Gratitude can be best received with just a little extra effort. There is a science behind showing gratitude. Here are three evidence-based ideas for showing your spouse how grateful you are for them.
Give them a sentimental gift
Those who give thoughtful gifts see the world through the eyes of the receiver. Their bond will be strengthened by the gift and what it will mean to them. One idea is a memory jar. Fill it with handwritten notes, each detailing a special memory, inside joke, or reason why you appreciate the person.
The gift of time
Home management tasks are disproportionately handled by women. Commit to doing what she hates most or hire someone to do the task. Make a consistent effort to use the time previously spent on chores to ensure your spouse gets more leisure time or you’re spending that time together.
Write Meaningful Notes
Write notes that include what you love about your spouse. Hide them where she will find them within a couple of days: her jewelry box or desk drawer. The more surprised they are when they receive it, the better.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
