I recently found myself working with a private client who found themselves in a devastating situation caused by their own ego illusions and reactive nature.
Just days prior, they felt confident and happy about their progress. Then, without reason, they lied to a loved one in an attempt to comfort their own deep anxiety, insecurities, and fear. Their actions caused their loved one to fully retract as it triggered PTSD in them. Now, my client feels the need to take hasty action and do what is ‘right,’ even though the ‘right’ answer is coming from a state of panic, embarrassment, and fear.
This supports their beliefs of not being good enough and always messing things up. They are acting from ego, not authenticity. Granted, they may truly need to do what the ‘right’ answer is, but in doing it from this space of ego and negative beliefs, they are only running from their wounds and hoping for something to change because they have changed their physical environments instead of diving deeper into their inner realms and challenging themselves to see their wounds clearly and in compassion, as to heal themselves and forever shift to a higher frequency.
Let’s get one thing straight: the ‘right’ answers are often not the true answers.
We all love to play the wise sage, doling out advice as if we’ve cornered the market on truth. But here’s the reality check: right is subjective, often colored by our own egos and insecurities. My client’s recent debacle is a perfect case in point.
Their lie to a loved one — done out of a frantic need to quell their own anxieties — ended up triggering PTSD in the very person they were trying to connect with. Now, they’re scrambling to do what they believe is the ‘right’ thing.
But what is this ‘right’ thing rooted in? Panic, fear, and a desperate attempt to fix a mess without actually addressing the underlying issues. It’s like trying to clean a wound by putting a band-aid over it without bothering to disinfect it first.
Psychologist Carl Rogers famously said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” My client’s frantic efforts to do what’s ‘right’ are not about acceptance; they’re about denial. Denial of their own deeper issues, denial of their need to control, and denial of the fact that their actions, rooted in ego, are doing more harm than good.
Let’s talk about the ego. It’s a sneaky little bastard. It masquerades as our best friend, convincing us that our actions are noble and just, even when they’re driven by our deepest insecurities. My client’s lie was a product of their ego, an attempt to manage their own emotional turmoil at the expense of someone they care about. And now, the ego is back at it, pushing them to act quickly to fix things, not out of genuine remorse or understanding, but out of fear and self-preservation. Now granted this person does has remorse as we often do, but the difference in genuine and what they are experiencing is based in anxiety which creates an illusion to our truth.
Albert Ellis, the father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), stated, “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.” My client, in their rush to ‘do the right thing,’ is abdicating this responsibility. They’re letting their ego drive the bus, steering them towards superficial solutions rather than meaningful introspection.
In the Kabbalah, there is a teaching that the ego, or the ‘desire to receive for oneself alone,’ is the root of all suffering. When we act from this place, we’re trapped in a cycle of dissatisfaction and pain. My client’s actions are a textbook example of this. Their ego-driven lie led to immediate relief from anxiety, but the fallout was severe, creating more suffering for themselves and their loved one.
Greek philosopher Epictetus once said, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” My client’s initial reaction was to lie, to control the narrative and manage their anxiety. Now, their reaction is to rush into ‘doing the right thing’ without considering the true nature of their motivations. Both reactions are rooted in ego, not authenticity.
The ‘right’ answer, in this case, isn’t a quick fix. It’s about doing the hard, uncomfortable work of self-reflection. It’s about sitting with the discomfort of their actions, understanding the deeper fears and insecurities that led them to lie in the first place, and addressing those root causes. It’s about cultivating self-compassion, not self-flagellation.
This is where true healing begins. When we can look at our wounds with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment and fear, we begin to understand ourselves more deeply. We can start to see our actions for what they truly are — cries for help, attempts to manage pain, misguided efforts to protect ourselves. And from this place of understanding, we can begin to make changes that are genuine and lasting.
Rushing to ‘do the right thing’ from a place of panic and fear is a form of escapism. It’s a way of avoiding the deeper work that needs to be done. It’s the ego’s way of maintaining control, of keeping us in a cycle of reaction rather than allowing us to step into a space of response.
So, to my client, and to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, I say this: slow down. Take a breath. The world will not end if you don’t fix things immediately. In fact, the world might just become a little more peaceful if you take the time to fix yourself first. Look inward. Sit with your discomfort. Understand your motivations. And when you do act, let it come from a place of authenticity and understanding, not from a frantic need to manage your own fears.
In the end, the ‘right’ answers are not about quick fixes or surface-level solutions. They’re about doing the deeper work, addressing the underlying issues, and acting from a place of true understanding and compassion. This is the path to genuine healing and transformation.
To quote Marianne Williamson, “Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace.’ Spirit says, ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.’” The right answers, the true answers, come from this place of peace. They come from doing the hard work of self-reflection and self-compassion. And they come from understanding that true change begins within.
So, the next time you find yourself scrambling to ‘do the right thing,’ take a moment to check in with yourself. Ask whether your actions are coming from a place of ego or authenticity. And remember that the true answers often lie not in what you do, but in how you understand and heal yourself.
Always loving you from here,
Drop your thoughts/feelings about this in the comments NOW!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Rene’ Schooler(Author)
