When it comes to dating, whether they realize it or not, fearful avoidants have an interesting approach.
They want to know us, but not always for the reasons we might think they do.
Does this mean they have some malicious, ulterior motive when they spend time with us?
No, but from my experience, I’ve come to realize that fearful avoidant partners wanted to know me for more reasons besides curiosity and genuine interest.
If, for whatever reason, you don’t know what a fearful avoidant is and how they interact in relationships, I’ve broken it down below.
I recommend this article, but this summary should suffice.
Attachment styles generally fall into a few categories:
- Anxious Preoccupied (my primary style): These individuals seek reassurance and validation from others to feel safe. Their greatest fear is abandonment or being alone. They are more “empathic” — APs absorb everyone else’s energy to their detriment.
- Dismissive Avoidant: As self-absorbed people, DAs aren’t necessarily narcissists, but their attitudes and behaviors are often “narcissistic”. They seek hyper-independence as a means to feel safe, but consequently, intimacy is sometimes a great challenge for them.
- Fearful Avoidant: FAs will seem like an anxious preoccupied person at first, but when their fears of engulfment or betrayal get triggered or they feel mistrustful of you ← (the keyword here is FEEL. This feeling of mistrust doesn’t have to have anything grounded in reality) they shut down and become dismissive. They’re a mix of hot and cold behavior.
I’ve dated dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants.
My DA partners were more “even-keeled” emotionally, and their behavior was often more predictable.
To be blunt, the chemistry with these women often left a lot to be desired, but I usually knew where we “stood” as far as the relationship was concerned.
Even if it wasn’t where I exactly wanted it to be.
Often, the sex life with DA women was more of a means to an end. It rarely felt like we were connected on an emotional level.
It could feel flat, boring, or generally not exciting. Whereas, the chemistry and sexual intimacy with my FA partners were on a greater level. It felt “magical”. They were present, but at the same time, there was a deep pain in their eyes.
My FA partners were comparatively far more outgoing, charismatic, and extroverted compared to the DA partners I dated.
At first, these FA partners led me to believe they were truly interested in me.
We would text and call often, or spend a lot of time together. I never felt like I was bothering them when I communicated. I remember several examples instances when they (of their own volition) proclaimed how excited they were to plan things with me in the future.
But that’s all they ever were. Plans. Whether it was intentional or not, they never followed through. The relationship would always end before it even got off the ground.
Anyway, despite the empty promises, it seemed like were connecting, but when I look back, it was shallow.
In addition to empty promises and fantasies, in many cases, I could be bombarded by what seemed like an endless list of questions.
It made me feel like I finally mattered to someone, but at the same time, it was overwhelming.
“Julie”, a former partner (we’ll call her that for privacy) was a bit overzealous in her approach to dating. We spent a great deal of time “trauma dumping” or diving deep into our pasts.
On many of our dates, I felt like her therapist. Or her dad!
In my naivete, I thought“Finally, if she’s telling me all this, someone actually gives a fuck about having a relationship with me.”
Yet, it didn’t feel right. It always seemed like a distraction from something else.
Vulnerability.
I should point out that processed trauma is merely neutral information.
First, when we’re unloading all of our baggage onto someone, they’re probably feeling overwhelmed, and second, we’re only creating an artificial, short-lived connection.
We need to drop the idea that “trauma dumping” or deep chats imply vulnerability.
There’s not much of a risk to the relationship if you disclose “This happened to me when I was 10, and my last partner did this to me.”
If it’s been processed, it’s just data. The story carries no weight.
This doesn’t mean that what’s happened is invalid, but it means as far as relationship building goes even if we may feel a deep sense of sympathy or compassion for them, this is not enough to develop love for someone.
To date, one ex left an indelible imprint on my memory and changed my outlook on love.
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When fearful avoidant partners want to know everything, this is their primary thought process.
We all know that it takes time to get to know someone. Even after years in a relationship you’re still “getting to know” your partner. Yet, I got the sense that Julie wanted to rush this process.
It’s more important to know who the person is HERE and NOW, and where they are headed, rather than who they were in the past.
They have a strong need for control and reassurance.
If they “know everything” about you at the start, they’ll “feel” safe, and THEN the relationship can “proceed”.
If you read my Substack story, you’ll recall that FAs have a great sense of mistrust, and without warning, they can get triggered and will shut down when the relationship becomes more serious or they feel their independence is threatened.
Where does this mistrust come from? What’s going on with these fears of betrayal or engulfment?
To varying degrees, my FA partners suffered trauma and developed insecurities as a result of childhood neglect, abuse, or abandonment.
They didn’t feel safe or at home in themselves.
To promote certainty, safety, and consistency in a relationship, they will try to fulfill this need for security by steering conversations and interactions in a particular way that suits them.
This comes at a cost to their partners and the relationship. For the relationship to function, their partners may feel they have to “perform” or “entertain” the FA to appease them.
It doesn’t lead to a genuine connection.
This is toxic, unhealthy, and not what a relationship is meant for. We are not in high school anymore. The role of a partner is not to boost the FA’s ego, soothe them, or keep them from feeling bored.
As we can imagine, one or both partners will end up feeling frustrated and annoyed.
In some cases, well, maybe many, the FA will leave the relationship and then claim they didn’t feel a “spark” or that there was not enough chemistry.
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How to manage a relationship with avoidants
The last thing I want to be is cynical or pessimistic.
Avoidant partners can’t control when their fears of engulfment, betrayal, commitment, or intimacy get triggered. I’ve noticed this firsthand with some of my partners. It’s like a “switch gets flipped” in their brain.
One day they are loving, kind, and intimate with me, and the next day they’re ignoring my calls and texts, or refusing to tell me what’s wrong.
They must stop avoiding their feelings, self-reflection and running from their problems and instead deal with their issues as they arise.
The reality is that a relationship built upon real intimacy is unlikely to happen with an avoidant partner unless they seek help to change their behavior.
Despite our best efforts, some of these relationships aren’t salvageable.
Which is why it’s important to lead, maintain frame, and set crystal clear boundaries with these folk. It’s about all we can do.
They’re the only ones that can change.
And it’s not that they’re bad people, but they don’t need to know everything about us from the start. They’re not entitled to every aspect of our personal lives. At least not all at once. They need to earn our trust.
I had to learn this the hard way.
I’ve told partners deeply personal things and I’ve been vulnerable only to have them get scared and then ghost me and discard the relationship soon after.
If I could redo that relationship with Julie, this what I would do:
- I would have monitored more closely how I felt after being around her.
- Been more firm with what I will and will not tolerate.
- Questioned more of her statements she made about relationships and love.
In short, consider what went right, and what did not. It takes time, but try to see where a conversation or an interaction may have gone too far off tangent.
In the long run, audit whose frame is winning in the relationship. Yours? Or theirs? The last thing we want is for emotionally dysregulated partners to be leading the narrative.
If it’s gone off track, make the necessary corrections.
This is what I wish I had done with Julie. I planned to discuss the boundaries of the relationship, but by this time she had already pulled away and was unwilling to communicate like a mature adult.
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Final thoughts on their communication habits
The fearful-avoidant partners I dated exuded charisma, sex appeal, and personality. At the start, I never doubted their interest level and as such, I developed a false sense of security that everything was “okay”.
If your partner loves to trauma dump, pressure you to open up, or it feels like you’re being rushed to tell your entire life story, they may be seeking emotional safety by using you.
In their minds, there is a belief “If I know everything about him, I’ll be safe, and then I can commit.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Khaled Ali on Unsplash
