Have you ever heard someone say something to their partner and immediately thought, “What complete BS!”?
You know, things like, “You deserve better,” “I do not want to hurt you,” and, the classic one, “It’s not you; it’s me!”
Maybe you were on the receiving end of such nonsense. Or perhaps you were the one saying such things!
We believe those statements are BS because they do not actually say what the other person wants to say. They communicate something the other person is unwilling (or unable) to say.
So, in this article, let me help you out and explain what they really mean. We will cover 7 classic statements.
Before we start, remember that people who use these phrases don’t necessarily have bad, malicious intentions. Context matters.
And if you still care about this person, you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with them. You would do both of you a favor by helping them express and articulate what they really mean.
#1 “You deserve better!”
It usually means one of two things. They either don’t want you or actually believe you deserve better.
Either way, they’re right. That’s because if they don’t want you, for whatever reason, you deserve someone who does — and that’s what “better” means here.
But sometimes, people genuinely mean that you deserve better. They cannot be the person they believe is good for you. They currently have issues that prevent them from being a good partner for you. They might be:
- Depressed.
- Have commitment issues.
- Broke.
- Emotionally damaged.
- Have low self-worth and believe they don’t deserve a relationship with someone like you (at least right now).
You know, right person, wrong time! It happens.
Sometimes, the opposite can happen . . .
#2 “You’re my perfection!!”
When someone believes you’re their “perfection,” you shouldn’t take that as a compliment. In fact, you should be very careful.
This person doesn’t even see or understand the real you. This person is projecting their deepest fantasies onto you. Let me explain.
Seeing someone as absolutely perfect means you’re not seeing them as they are, not that they are actually perfect or even stunning. It has nothing to do with them. No one is perfect. No one is someone else’s perfection. Putting someone on a pedestal is not a sign of love; it’s a sign of illusion.
Putting someone on a pedestal means you’re not seeing them as who they actually are; you’re seeing the fantasy you’re projecting onto them.
Nothing is lonelier and more terrifying than being with someone who puts you on a pedestal — they don’t even know you, and neither do you know them.
Usually, people who put their partners on pedestals avoid conflict, people-please, have unrealistic expectations, and won’t help their “loved one” grow. They’re in love with the idea of love rather than with the person.
But what about someone who accepts your imperfections? Well, let’s talk about it . . .
#3 “I want someone who accepts me as I am.”
Acceptance is one of the things we all yearn for, especially in romantic relationships. We want someone who accepts who we are instead of trying to mold us into whatever they think we should be.
Mark Manson says, “The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws.” And that is true. Love that stands the test of time is not only based on the rosy aspects of your partner.
But . . .
Often, when people say they want someone who can accept them as they are, that means they don’t want to change. They, deep down, know they should, but they’re unwilling. It’s easier to tell their partner to accept them as they are than to change the parts of themselves that make having a relationship with them a nightmare.
This brings us to the next point . . .
#4 “I just want to find the right partner!”
Asking the wrong questions will get you lost. Let me explain.
When people don’t get what they want in life, they tend to react in one of these 2 ways:
- Something is wrong with my approach, view of the world, skills, and actions. And I need to adjust that to reach where I want to be. It’s my responsibility.
- Something is wrong with the world, people, and how things should go. The world has to change and bend to meet my needs without me having to do anything. When the world changes, I’ll get what I want.
It is obvious which group is healthier and more mature.
It’s not about finding the right partner. It’s about being the right partner. People who are obsessed with the idea of finding the right partner aren’t usually the right partners themselves. They wouldn’t date themselves. They think something is wrong with the world, not themselves. And even if they believe it’s them, they’re unwilling to change.
There’s nothing wrong with choosing wisely. But the obsession with finding the right person is pointless, especially if someone already has a streak of failed relationships.
You will typically find the same people who want to find a healthy partner (but can’t) saying the following phrase . . .
#5 “I value friendship more than romantic relationships.”
This one might shock some people, and some might even disagree. But it’s a pattern I’ve seen over and over again. It’s not toxic to value friendship over romantic relationships. It just may indicate a few possible things:
- This person values human connection and having close relationships.
- This person has trouble maintaining romantic relationships. They don’t have enough skills or are afraid of intimacy — they’re uncomfortable with the deep feelings romantic relationships bring.
- Because they value connection, they double down on friendship and withdraw from what they’re not good at (love relationships).
I have many good friends who are incredible as friends but suck in relationships. And they know it. So, they value their friends more than their partners because they know who they are likely to keep around longer and be more comfortable with.
Speaking of loss . . .
#6 “I don’t want to lose you.”
When someone says this, they’re not uttering the entire sentence. What they actually want to say is, “I don’t want to lose you, but something suggests that I will (or that I should).”
Without addressing this “something,” you will lose each other. This “thing” could be:
- Their lack of desire.
- A genuine friction that prevents the relationship from continuing.
Are they actively addressing that “thing” or just telling you they don’t want to lose you? People who don’t want to lose each other (usually) don’t (and they do their best not to).
But they’re willing to lose each other. Sounds confusing? Read the next one when people tell you . . .
#7 “I cannot live without you.”
There is a scene from a Spiderman movie that goes like this:
Peter: But I am nothing without this suit.
Iron Man: If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it.
The same goes for relationships and anything we believe we cannot live without. If you derive your entire sense of identity from being with your partner, then you shouldn’t be with them. Similarly, you don’t want to be with someone who derives their whole sense of identity from being with you.
This goes against most of the advice out there, but you should be with someone you’re willing to lose and live without. And the person you’re with should also be willing to lose and live without you.
Note that I am not suggesting you should go for someone you can afford to lose — someone who, if you were to split, you would not be hurt so much. No, that’s cowardice. I am also not talking about being willing to walk away from your partner as soon as things get challenging (having one foot out of the door).
I am talking about the willingness to walk away and to let your partner walk away — not the desire to do that or the ability. And that’s something else entirely. It’s essential for a relationship’s success, and people who say they cannot live without you don’t have it.
Being willing to walk away is about not tolerating the intolerable. It indicates honorable values such as self-respect, an engaging life, and honesty. And it’s not about wanting to walk away or being able to. It’s just this willingness. In a subtle way, it creates a healthy dynamic as it frees you from the neediness that inevitably comes with clinging to someone.
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I hope this was helpful
If you enjoyed reading this, Get free 12 practical tips on how to:
- Deal with toxic people,
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Also, check my books on Amazon.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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