Marriage has the potential for betrayal, which leads to the possibility of divorce. But most marriages that have been betrayed don’t actually end in divorce. There are many reasons for this, and it varies from person to person. But one thing is basically the same: they’re afraid of divorce.
Who’s more afraid of divorce, though? The person who betrayed the relationship or the person who was betrayed? A lot of people might get this wrong.
It seems like the betrayed person is more afraid of divorce.
So, when a marriage has been betrayed, the person who tries to save the relationship is usually the one who was betrayed. The one who learns how to manage the relationship and marriage is also usually the one who was hurt. On the other hand, the betrayer usually doesn’t do much to try to fix things.
They might even say to the betrayed person, “If it works out, it works out. If not, we’ll get a divorce!”
On the surface, it seems like the betrayer doesn’t care about divorce at all. But that’s not actually true. If you look at their psychology, the betrayer is actually more afraid of divorce than the betrayed person.
First, the problems and pressure of divorce are the same for both parties.
If you’re the one who was betrayed, you’re worried about the kids, dividing up the assets, and how you’re going to live your life after. The betrayer has to face these things, too.
The biggest difference between you and them is that you think about these things seriously, so you’re more worried. If you can’t solve these problems or overcome your feelings, you won’t take the step of getting divorced. But the betrayer is different. When these problems bother them, they avoid thinking about them. They follow the rule of “take one step at a time,” and when it comes to divorce, they think, “This is so annoying. Why think about it? We’ll figure it out after we get divorced.”
So, you’ll find that the betrayer doesn’t take marriage seriously, and they don’t even take divorce seriously.
But if the divorce actually happens, if they really do get divorced, they’ll have to face all of these problems. That’s when the betrayer will actually be afraid of divorce. That’s why the betrayer is usually so rude and arrogant at the beginning. But if you’re firm about getting a divorce, they’ll suddenly get scared and back down.
So, if you want to know if the betrayer is really afraid of divorce, you’ll have to see what happens when you’re determined to get a divorce. And the truth is, nine times out of ten, they’re really afraid of divorce. They’re even more afraid than you. Of course, they might not show how afraid they are by begging you to stay. They’ll probably use a combination of soft and hard tactics, like playing the victim, making threats, and acting crazy, to stop the divorce.
Second, if a betrayed marriage ends in divorce, the betrayed person will be better off than the betrayer.
There’s a reality that exists but a lot of people ignore: if a broken marriage doesn’t end in divorce, the betrayed person is usually the one who suffers. But if they do get divorced, the betrayer is usually the one who suffers.
Practice is the only way to test truth. This reality shows us a lot.
For the betrayed person, if they choose to get divorced, they’ve already done most of the work before the divorce. If they hadn’t done that work, how could they have made the decision to divorce? So, they’ll be less unhappy after the divorce. And when they decide to get divorced, they’ve already planned how they’re going to live their life after. As soon as the divorce is final, they can move on and start a new life.
The betrayer is the opposite. Once they get divorced, their suffering is just beginning.
Don’t think that they betray the relationship because they’re not afraid of divorce. Actually, they often choose to betray the relationship because they’re “taking a risk” and hoping for the best. They’re not really not afraid. It’s just that they want the benefits of betraying the relationship, so they’re willing to take the risk. It’s like a thief stealing something. They’re not afraid of going to jail just because they’re willing to steal. They’re just hoping they won’t get caught.
The betrayer’s psychology is the same. They’re just hoping that you won’t find out, hoping that you won’t divorce them, hoping that if you do divorce, it won’t be a big deal… But life doesn’t have that many lucky breaks. There are only lessons.
After most betrayers get caught, they use the ostrich strategy. You just have to dig up the dirt that’s burying their head and make them face reality. You need to make it so they can’t escape or avoid it.
The truth is, once they get divorced, the betrayer will have a big problem: they’ll be the one who ruined the marriage! They’ll feel guilty about it for the rest of their lives.
You might say, “No, they don’t care at all.”
That’s the most confusing part. But it’s also simple. Besides the avoidance I talked about earlier, you need to understand that people who can betray a relationship are usually strong on the inside. They’re also good at pretending. Even if they’re afraid, they can hide their fear. They can act like they don’t care, like it’s no big deal, like everything is fine. Betrayers aren’t known for being soft-hearted, and they’re also very stubborn. Even if they’re afraid, even if they’re unhappy after the divorce, they won’t show it to you at all.
So, you have to believe that they’re actually more afraid of divorce than you are. You just haven’t given them a chance to be afraid. Or maybe they haven’t shown you their fear.
Why am I talking about this? Because in so many betrayed marriages, the betrayed person is afraid that the other person isn’t afraid of divorce. They’re afraid that they’ll be completely abandoned. They’re afraid of losing the marriage. So, they don’t express their true feelings. They try to please the other person. They even make compromises that have no limits. If you realize that the other person is more afraid of divorce than you are, you’ll get rid of those worries. You can just focus on being yourself. You don’t have to worry about being nice to them. They’re the ones who will want to get a divorce.
Actually, if they’re afraid of divorce, they shouldn’t get divorced. But don’t let your fear of divorce make you feel sorry for yourself or try to please them. That will just make them even more arrogant. They won’t realize they’ve done anything wrong.
You might say, “No, they really aren’t afraid of divorce.” If that’s true, then the answer is even simpler. If someone isn’t afraid of divorce, do you think they’ll respect marriage? Do you think they’ll be disciplined, loyal, and responsible in their marriage? Someone like that is better off divorced.
Why are some people able to resist temptation? It’s not because they have high morals. It’s because they’re afraid of divorce. They’re afraid of hurting their kids. They’re afraid of the consequences they’ll have to face. So, even if they have the means to betray their partner, even if they have many opportunities to betray, they don’t dare cross the line.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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