I wanted to reclaim what it means to be ‘manly’, and get away from the narrow big-muscled macho associations that I grew up with, but which never fit me . Every man can be ‘manly’ in his own way, and these steps are available to everyone. Many may apply to women too, but in my mind there are some elements that reflect what’s unique about male physiology and psychology. I believe that being ‘manly’ in these ways can make any man attractive as an ally, a friend or a lover. They’re intended as suggestions for feeling happier and more confident, rather than a list of ‘shoulds’.
He thinks for himself and lives in a way that’s true to his values.
This for me is the starting point of manliness, and boils down to having ‘integrity’. Am I strong/brave enough to live according to my own beliefs and truth and put them into action rather than trying to fit with someone else’s – or society’s – idea of what a hu-man ‘should’ be. Most of us fall short of this ideal, but growing into manliness is about taking daily steps in the right direction. One way to make that journey easier for me has been to join a men’s group where I have a bunch of trusted friends and allies to support and encourage me.
He does ‘work’ that is meaningful to him, and which helps make the world a better place.
Finding satisfying paid work is an ideal that not all of us can achieve, and someone has to do the more mundane tasks (at least until robots take over). And even the most ‘interesting’ jobs can become routine after a while (including being a rock star!…or so I’ve been told). The important thing is to use at least part of your life in the pursuit of some kind of mission or purpose that makes sense to you. That seems to be a universal human need, and if you ignore it or try to medicate against the feeling of depression which its absence can bring, you’ll end up in a downward spiral into emptiness. The good news is that this brokenness can be repaired at any time in life, if we have the insight and determination.
He is compassionate, empathic and kind, and avoids causing harm to anyone (or the planet).
It’s an important part of our wellbeing to be fully aware of any privilege we may have, and to use it to be an ally for people who are socially oppressed, while also being careful not to unintentionally cause harm – to them or to the planet.. That requires becoming somewhat educated about political and ethical issues – at least the ones which are close to home. I can’t change the situation I’ve been born into, and there’s no point in feeling ‘guilty’ about it. But I do have a responsibility, from a moral but also from a practical point of view (a more equal world will be happier and safer for everyone), to be aware, and appreciative, of whatever power I may have as a result of my social/cultural background, and to use it to try to support less privileged people whenever I can.
He knows and accepts his strengths and weaknesses without arrogance or shame
Being realistic about who I am, and accepting the realities of myself as no more or less than any other normally flawed human being, is the best part of having grown out my adolescent fantasies of greatness – or it’s flipside, of how useless I am. Each of us is unique, and that is to be celebrated, but none of us is ‘special’ in the sense of being intrinsically worth more than anyone else. In fact, I think the need to feel somehow better than others is a narcissistic reaction to feeling worthless at a core level, and overcompensating for that. A man who knows and accept his true self feels confidant, because no-one can shame or undermine him. He’s on the solid inner ground from which all good things grow – especially genuine love, intimacy, friendship and community. Such a man is not afraid of conflict, not easily threatened or intimidated; and he doesn’t always need to ‘win’ or be ‘right’.
He provides love, security and safety for his family and dependants
This is our most basic responsibility in life – to provide whatever support we can to those who depend on us; our children and to some extent our partner, and to the rest of our family when it’s needed. They need to be able to rely on us to love and support them unconditionally, although that doesn’t mean not having boundaries or being a doormat for anyone. It’s also not about being a like a saint or trying to save the whole world, or judging others who aren’t as ‘righteous’ as us. – Or being a ‘’rescuer”, which is often more to do with trying to fix some inner sense of inadequacy than supporting someone in the way that’s best for them. It just means that we are aware of any opportunities to be a force for good in this world, however small., and family must come first. It’s often true that ‘what goes around comes around,’ but if we offer this support unconditionally, we’ll get the extra inner satisfaction of doing it because it feels right, rather than for the hope of some reward.
He loves bravely and adventurously and gives himself fully to a relationship
Loving someone is risky, there’s no way around it. The object of our affections may not reciprocate and that can be painful. But when I’m value myself and am not dependant on anyone else to prop up my self-esteem, this helps me bypass some of life’s less pleasant emotions, like insecurity, jealousy and anxiety. Some of those feelings are unavoidable in any relationship, but in small doses they are easily manageable and can lead to affirmations of love towards my partner rather than the anger/aggression which can arrive when those feelings take over. Ideally I will be loved back in the same courageous spirit. If not I will offer as much reassurance as I can, but if it seems they’re not ready for this kind of ‘grown-up’ love, I can know that it will better (for everyone) to end it.
He is appreciative and respectful of all others; but won’t tolerate abuse of anyone (or himself)
It’s a fact of life that I can’t fully respect others until I respect myself. So when I find myself hating someone for any reason, I reflect on what inner division in myself is being reflected back to me, and try to learn from it and make peace with it. Everyone deserves my acceptance, but I t doesn’t mean I always tolerate other’s behaviour. If I think they’re out of order in terms of how they are acting towards me or anyone else, I try to explain why and what my boundaries are in the calm and non-judgemental way that is possible when I don’t feel threatened by them. That makes it much more likely to be heard and acted on. Of course it may have no effect at all, in which case I can know it’s time to cut that person out of my life.
There are many paths to being a ‘good man’, as all the articles here show. I’ve found that if I follow these seven steps, and offer compassion and a gentle reminder tor myself, and others, if the connection with them is lost, I can’t go far wrong.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
