Being married to a millennial and my job as a mediator has provided me with a unique vantage point on the relationship patterns that are shaping our generation and the next. I have helped couples overcome relationship challenges and I have seen firsthand the struggles millennials face in forming and maintaining stable, meaningful connections.
Do you wonder why is it that despite having endless options and all this technology, millennials still find it increasingly difficult to maintain stable, long-term relationships? As one striking statistic reveals:
44% of millennials are married, compared to 53% of Gen X, 61% of Boomers, and 81% of the Silent Generation at comparable ages.
This statistic no doubt also shows a steady decline in marriage rates through the generations perhaps indicating broad social changes, however, the challenges millennials face in forming and maintaining relationships influenced by things like modern technology account for struggles that are unique to them — issues that are part of a larger trend.
83% of millennials spend up to two hours a day on dating apps (Source)
Technology and social media have transformed the way millennials interact, form, and view relationships. For instance, due to various platforms creating environments where usually curated lives and endless choices are the norm, unrealistic expectations reign because users usually compare their relationships to the seemingly perfect ones portrayed online.
There are of course a host of other problems that come with their excessive use of technology and social media:
- constant distractions that hinder real-life, meaningful conversations between partners;
- feelings of isolation for real-world partners due to their significant other’s excessive focus on their phones, engaging with virtual connections;
- easy access to potential physical and emotional partners outside of primary relationships;
- over sharing of relationship problems online leading to embarrassment and feelings of betrayal especially if shared without consent of the one being talked about.
My wife and I have often discussed how social media have affected her friend’s relationships to the extent that some couples have broken up over (misinterpreted) social media posts. This is a stark reminder of how different the relationship landscape is for millennials.
You will also notice that millennials tend to have high expectations for relationships having been influenced by their access to diverse perspectives and lifestyles through social media and the internet. They are, therefore, seeking partners who meet a wide array of criteria.
For instance, statistics show that 43% of millennials say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous; 22% of millennial females and 16% of millennial males want to date someone with a college degree; 60% of millennials want their partner to support the Black Lives Matter movement; etc. These varied standards narrow the dating pool making it challenging not only to find but to sustain compatible partnerships.
56% of men and women have been ghosted. (Source)
Furthermore, the ease at which they can nowadays connect and disconnect online has also made it very easy to practice such behaviors as ghosting, where people can just abruptly cut off communication without any explanation. These are the things that hinder the formation of meaningful connections that make it challenging to establish trust in relationships.
72% of millennials make a conscious decision to be single for a period of time. (Source)
Millennials’ focus on personal growth, career development, and independence can conflict with relationship demands. Many choose to achieve individual goals, establish financial stability (30% of millennials and Gen Z say that their financial situation is holding them back from dating), etc., before considering serious relationships or marriage. So spending quality time with a partner will unquestionably take a backseat to a demanding job opportunity that requires long hours or frequent travel.
“So spending quality time with a partner will unquestionably take a backseat to a demanding job opportunity that requires long hours or frequent travel.”
Another challenge millennials are facing in relationships is the extended time they are now spending in education pursuing advanced degrees like Master’s and Ph.D.s This naturally means a delay in starting a career and, as a consequence, postponing seeking committed relationships.
Aside from the fact that a singular focus on self-fulfillment leads to postponing serious relationship commitments, it also ensures that should conflicts arise in an existing relationship, the tendency is to prioritize personal aspirations which just leads to more tension and reduces the willingness to compromise and invest in the relationship for the long-term.
“I’ve seen more friends with benefits and flings than relationships.”
–Arielle Lewis; “Having A ‘Talking Stage’ Proves Why Millennials Just Suck At Dating”
This particular generation is also geographically mobile. Willingly moving frequently for opportunities means disrupting the stability needed to maintain a long-lasting relationship. And long-distance relationships can be tough to maintain because they require extra effort to maintain regular communication. It is not an easy feat with, for example, a busy schedule or a different time zone. In addition to that the sense of uncertainty makes it difficult to feel secure enough in a relationship.
“My wife and I have often discussed how social media have affected her friend’s relationships to the extent that some couples have broken up over (misinterpreted) social media posts.”
The Way Out for Millennials
The way I see it, even though millennials face unique challenges in maintaining genuine, long-term relationships there are ways to approach their issues to build stronger, longer-lasting partnerships.
1.Stop comparing their relationships to those seemingly perfect ones portrayed online. Recognizing that people on social media usually show only the idealized version of their reality will help in setting more realistic expectations.
2.It follows that limiting social media use and focusing on the realities of their own relationships is a logical next step. Always remember, that every relationship has its ups and downs.
3.Partners must address issues directly through open and honest communication rather than avoiding them. Regularly checking in with each other ensures both partners feel heard. Barring any extreme situations, ghosting is never desirable.
4.Another thing that is extremely important is striking a balance between personal goals and relationship needs. A few things here: discussing long-term goals, finding ways to support each other’s aspirations, and regularly carving out quality time to spend together even amidst busy schedules.
5.Investing in learning relationship skills through books, workshops, or therapy is also another useful strategy. For instance, improved conflict resolution skills because they significantly improve relationships and enhance longevity.
6.Being open to compromises never hurts because it is extremely rare for any one person to meet every criterion perfectly. Instead, focus on compatibility rather than a checklist of ideal traits. Of course, it is important to have standards, but having overly high expectations will limit potential matches.
7.Knowing that “geographic mobility” is not in itself a bad thing, but it does tend to disrupt the stability needed for long-lasting relationships. So, if long-distance relationships are unavoidable, make plans for regular communication and discuss future plans to ensure being on the same page.
“Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith.”
-Cheryl Strayed; “Tiny Beautiful Things”
Relationships in general are the basis of all human existence. They enrich our lives and contribute significantly to our overall well-being. Therefore, they must be at the top of our lists. Millennials too, despite the daunting challenges they face in nurturing strong, stable, long-term relationships.
Genuine real world relations are the only things that effectively counterbalance the isolating effects of the digital world through real life human interaction and emotional fulfillment.
While the digital age presents unique hurdles, investing time and effort into cultivating meaningful relationships is an investment in one’s personal and emotional growth.
Of course, the digital age presents some unique hurdles but by consciously addressing the areas we have highlighted above millennials can overcome those unique challenges. Building any worthwhile naturally requires patience and effort so, in the words of one my new favorite authors, do the work and keep the faith.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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