Can you be “just” friends with your affair partner after things end?
Would it be a friendship or a hope for more? Will you feed off the memories and fantasize about one day being together again?
That’s the thing.
It can be different for both. One of you might be carrying a torch for your love affair and the other could be moving on. It’s tricky.
It’s impossible to be authentic friends if one is pining. It’s playing “catch up” and then feeling a pang of loss so acute that it unsettles you.
“Why did she leave me?”
“We could have had more.”
Lurking beneath the surface is a glint of what was.
“I want him/her.”
If you can keep a former lover in check, it works. Maybe you remember both the good and the bad. I know I did.
With my first lover, I recalled the hot/cold dynamic. “You don’t need me” he wrote. Followed a few days later with, “I love you so much. I need you.” He would send, “I’m not going to text you any more.” Then, “I want you so much.” I was done with the endless waffling. I didn’t miss it. Good riddance. Torture someone else with that shit. I realized some sex wasn’t worth the aggravation.
Yet, there were some lovers that I couldn’t stay friends with — BECAUSE I still cared far too much.
It would be tough. In the back of my mind it would be, “Is he seeing someone else? Is he happy?” Dammit, do I want to know? It might dissolve into “Are you sleeping naked?” and just bring back all the old longings.
Every time I hear the song lyric, “I was getting kinda used to being somebody you loved,” it hits me.
Maybe you can’t be friends with an ex affair partner.
It’s a watered down version of your former relationship.
That’s so sad.
No more “Baby, I miss you” messages.
The key is to acknowledge you have feelings for each other but don’t let it become more than that. Realizing you won’t have more magic moments. You are “just friends” now. Somebody you used to know.
…
This song is perfect:
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometime it hurts instead…”
Do you want more? Of course you do! I’m so bad, I’m good. Pretty please, give me your super secret throwaway email. You know you want to…
Follow me at [email protected] (It’s free motherfucker and I’m worth it!)
Buy me a chai tea (my fave!) at [email protected]
Support me at ko-fi/monalisasmiled because I’m interestingly evil…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
