What to Do When You Don’t Feel a Spark…

Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

Before we dive into today’s episode, I want to share some exciting news. It’s retreat season! From September 9th to 15th, I’ll be leading an immersive coaching retreat on the beach in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. My amazing team will be there, along with a wonderful group of people from around the world.

We’re down to the last few spaces, so if you’re looking for six days of deep coaching to work through what’s holding you back, visit MHretreat.com for all the details and to apply for one of those remaining slots. This program has been transformative for over 15 years, and I would love for you to join us.

So, how are you feeling today?

I’m good! I feel really grounded. I’ve been sleeping well, eating healthily, and training a lot. With my Aura Ring—I swear, we should be sponsored by them—I’ve been tracking my sleep patterns and feeling great overall.

I’m in a different place than you, though. I just returned from a weekend in Vegas with friends.

No sleep, huh?

None! It wasn’t as wild as it sounds, but I was up late talking with one of my best friends. We stayed up until 4 AM, and I only managed about four hours of sleep. It felt like being back in university!

Today’s Topic: Letting Someone Down

Today, we’re discussing how to let someone down if you’re struggling to do so. Why do you think people have a hard time letting someone they’re dating down when they’re no longer interested?

I recently spoke with someone who serves as a great case study. She had been chatting online with a guy they clicked with but felt disappointed when they finally met in person. He looked different from his photos, and she realized she just wasn’t attracted to him.

After that meeting, she struggled with how to let him know she wasn’t interested anymore. It’s tough because when you build a connection and then have to say, “Actually, this isn’t for me,” it can create a lot of guilt.

The Guilt of Connection

The guilt stems from the connection that was built. I asked her what she was afraid of, and she mentioned that she worried he would be angry and that it would make her a bad person. When someone expresses that kind of fear, it often indicates a deeper history.

She shared that in previous relationships, speaking up would lead to anger and shame directed at her. Those past experiences shaped her belief that she was a bad person for simply not feeling attracted to this guy.

It’s understandable that she would panic about being honest with him, especially if he was eager to see her again.

Common Reactions to Confrontation

Many people can relate to the anxiety that arises when faced with potential confrontation. The thought of letting someone down can trigger a fight-or-flight response.

Absolutely. It’s common to want to avoid delivering bad news. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and that fear can become paralyzing.

When we step back and analyze our thoughts, we realize we’re in a situation that isn’t working. The truth is that both parties deserve to move on and find what truly works for them.

Self-judgment vs. Judgment of Others

It’s interesting how we often allow others to express their feelings while holding ourselves to a much higher standard. For instance, if a friend cancels plans, I understand. They’re taking care of themselves. But if I were to cancel, I’d feel guilty for letting them down.

Exactly! We don’t hold ourselves to the same compassionate standard we apply to others. If someone else were to say they weren’t interested, we wouldn’t think they were a bad person.

There’s a fear that by letting someone down, they might mirror our worst fears back at us. If she worries he’ll call her selfish for leading him on, that reinforces her belief that she is a bad person.

This fear often stems from past experiences, particularly for those who’ve faced invalidation in their feelings.

The Impact of Invalidating Experiences

When young girls, for example, are told their experiences aren’t valid, it can severely impact their self-esteem. If they express a concern and are dismissed, they learn not to trust their judgment.

This kind of gaslighting erodes self-confidence and can lead to indecisiveness, making it challenging to act in situations like these.

The Destructive Nature of Apologizing

In narcissistic relationships, for example, one can feel like they’re constantly doing something wrong, even when they aren’t. They might end up apologizing for things they shouldn’t have to. This not only undermines their self-worth but can also lead to a cycle of self-betrayal.

Every time we apologize when we don’t feel sorry, we tell ourselves that our needs don’t matter. Over time, this can be very destructive.

It’s crucial to recognize that letting someone down honestly can liberate both parties. It allows for healing and growth, moving towards healthier relationships. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own feelings and well-being.

Understanding Relationships and the Fear of Letting Others Down

In difficult relationships, even doing the right thing can feel challenging. The right choice might be to let someone down, risking their feelings and disappointment. Yet, when you’re caught in this dilemma, you may unconsciously believe that the other person’s needs outweigh your own. This can lead to the belief that if you hurt them, you become a “bad” person.

The Distorted View of Being a Bad Person

It’s fascinating to observe how disconnected this belief is from reality. The very fact that someone deeply cares about being a good person indicates they are not inherently bad. Often, manipulative individuals exploit this concern, using it against those who are genuinely compassionate. A truly bad person wouldn’t be swayed by the notion of being “bad.”

The Fear of Disappointment

In one coaching session, I worked with someone who feared disappointing others. This fear stemmed from past experiences where making someone angry led to abandonment or cruel reactions. Our minds often jump to the worst-case scenarios: “If I let this person down, they might stalk or harass me.” While such things can happen, countless other outcomes exist, including the person simply moving on without a fuss.

This tendency to imagine disaster is often rooted in trauma. When faced with the possibility of confrontation, our brains can spiral into catastrophizing, envisioning the worst possible outcomes. This anxiety can leave us frozen and unable to act.

To navigate these fears, it’s essential to understand that it’s okay for someone to be angry or disappointed. We can’t control how others feel; we can only control our responses. Recognizing that it’s acceptable for others to have their emotions frees us from the burden of trying to manage their feelings.

Embracing the Role of the “Bad Guy”

In relationships, it’s crucial to accept that sometimes you will be perceived as the “bad guy.” If you consistently avoid this role, you risk losing your authenticity and well-being. There will always be moments in life where making a tough choice might disappoint others—be it in personal relationships, work, or other contexts.

Accepting that you are both good and bad at different times is vital. If you never allow yourself to be the bad guy, you may find yourself in an unhealthy situation, such as staying in a relationship that doesn’t serve you.

Reflecting on past experiences can provide perspective. Often, we remember those who told us hard truths that ultimately led to personal growth. When we realize that short-term discomfort can lead to long-term benefits, it becomes easier to face difficult conversations.

Connecting with a Deeper Intention

Before engaging in tough conversations, it’s essential to connect with a deeper intention. Rather than focusing solely on your discomfort about delivering bad news, think about wishing the other person well. If your intent is genuinely to help them find what they need—albeit through a painful conversation—it can make the process smoother.

The Importance of Clear Intention

While having a clear script for what you want to say is important, the energy behind your words can carry equal weight. Approach the conversation with a mindset of wanting the best for the other person. This intention will help alleviate anxiety about exact wording and allow for a more authentic dialogue.

In conclusion, confronting difficult situations is a part of life. By recognizing the dynamics of fear, intention, and the acceptance of our roles, we can navigate relationships more healthily and authentically. Ultimately, having the courage to deliver difficult truths can free both ourselves and others to seek the love and happiness we truly deserve.

Wish Them Well

Wish them well. Wish them nothing but love. If you can come from that place, nothing you say will be disingenuous because you will actually mean it. If you fumble your words or find yourself not being eloquent, you’ll make up for it in the energy you bring to someone during this conversation.

Before we finish the episode, I thought we’d read a few emails that have been sent in. You can send us an email at [email protected], either to let us know what you think of the episodes, what you liked, what you didn’t like, or just to ask us a question for a future episode.

We received quite a few emails in response to episode 250, titled “How Soon Can I Ask for Exclusivity?” There were some really lovely emails in response to this episode, where we discussed getting in my jar. Did everyone title their subject line “Get in My Jar”? They actually did! People said, “I forgot we asked for that,” and I saw lots of emails piling up with “Get in My Jar” and nice comments in the subject line. I was like, how are all these people saying the same thing? Then I realized we must have asked for this!

**From Maha:**

Dear Matt and Audrey,

Subject line: “Get in My Jar—Only Nice Things.”

This email is long overdue. Is anyone else a chronic procrastinator? But this really needs to be said: your podcast is just awesome! I’ve been listening to it since the launch and I’m very much enjoying the depth of the topics, the delicious banter, and all the wisdom shared. Having Audrey on the show is the perfect wisdom combo for me. I love her input, humility, and empathy.

I listen to all episodes, even though a certain topic may not feel as relevant for my stage of development. Every time, I’m happy I did because there’s always a new element of perspective I take home with me. This particular episode was such an example. Asking for exclusivity may not be a struggle area for me right now, but Matthew made an excellent point: someone may want to know you but may not necessarily allow themselves to be known yet. This can be a sign of emotional unavailability. Wow, that hit hard! I guess I never thought of emotional unavailability in this way before.

So, for me, this was a great insight. Thank you guys for the tremendous value you put into the world. I hope you know how much you’re helping people, and I’ve personally grown so much throughout the years with you. In other words, you’ve got me in your jar. Keep up the great work and much love from Romania!

**From Sar:**

Hi Audrey and Matthew,

I just recently got into a relationship quite quickly. He’s a good guy: sweet, reliable, and hopefully trustworthy. But ever since we had the conversation about making it official, fears started plaguing my mind. My last relationship ended toxic and involved another girl plotting and mate poaching him. She was shady—befriended my ex and masterminded everything to have him for herself.

She saved me from him, so I was better off. It’s been over a year, and I thought I’d moved on from it. My boyfriend has never done anything to make me think he would do anything wrong, and the relationship is new. But old fears I thought had disappeared started resurfacing, specifically the fear that another girl would try to mate poach him. I trust him, but men can be extremely oblivious to women’s manipulations.

We are all idiots, aren’t we?

Just kidding! You’re not allowed to agree with that; only I, as a man, can say we’re all idiots. Some people might say, “If he can be stolen, he was never really yours.” But how can I ensure I chose right and save myself from humiliation? Any advice on how to prevent this from happening or how to stop self-sabotaging something new? Thanks! I loved your latest episode; it’s one of my new favorites.

Response to Sar

I have a lot to say on this. First of all, I really empathize with what you’re going through. There are definitely a lot of women who are master manipulators who will try to steal your partner. Those kinds of women know exactly what they’re doing. However, blaming the woman is a mistake because what she didn’t have in her partner was a true teammate.

In a healthy relationship, there should be no space for someone to manipulate your partner. If your partner is loyal and communicates effectively, they will not entertain inappropriate conversations about your relationship. That’s on them, not on the other woman. All you can do going forward is communicate your expectations clearly with your partner.

Setting Boundaries

I believe it’s crucial to communicate what you perceive as betrayal. You and your partner should discuss what behaviors feel like a betrayal to you both. For example, if either of you were speaking to someone else about your relationship behind each other’s backs, that would be considered a betrayal.

Boundaries are essential, and it’s important that both partners understand and uphold them. You set your standards and trust that they will be followed. Until proven otherwise, assume your partner understands and respects those boundaries.

Letting Go of Control

Just remember, you can’t control everything. After you’ve established your boundaries, let go. If you see things you don’t like, you can address them at any time, but recognize that your past experiences may make you want to control everything for the illusion of safety. However, life is unpredictable, and trying to control everything will only suck the joy out of your life.

There are countless things that could go wrong, but fixating on one possibility won’t serve you. If someone is going to hurt you, they will find a way to do it, regardless of how much you try to protect yourself. You must trust that your values align and that you have communicated those values to each other.

Thank you all for listening to the Love Life podcast. Do we have any announcements or anything I’ve missed?

Just a reminder to come to the retreat at MHretreat.com! Why wouldn’t you want to experience all of this in person? Also, please leave a review of the podcast; they really mean a lot to us. Thank you to everyone who has been leaving reviews for the new book, *Love Life*. It’s crazy—it’s still number one in self-esteem on Amazon and also number one in interpersonal relations!

We appreciate you all, and we look forward to seeing you again in the next episode of *Love Life*. Be well, friends, and love life!

—

This post was previously published on YouTube.

Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG

***