3 Ways to Break Communication Barriers With a Dismissive Avoidant Partner

I know what it is like to communicate with a dismissive avoidant partner. Sometimes, you receive some form of a response, and you sense they genuinely care.

There are also times when you feel like you are talking to a brick wall.

I know about this series of events because I was once the brick wall.

You might think the barrier to communication is a partner who doesn’t care, but the truth is you are dealing with a partner who is learning how to care.

No, that does not mean your partner has a black pit for a heart and needs to develop a soul.

Let’s have a bit of grace here. Your partner has experienced a lifetime of expression either not received well or displayed in a form they could not process.

The avoidant will retreat to isolation when they see danger.

It sounds egregious, but does it sound irrational to be overwhelmed by emotion to the point where you have an outburst? My point is that we all have differing forms of expression in fight or flight mode.

We need a model that sets the pace for positive communication where both partners feel safe, comfortable, and seen.

How do we fix communication barriers with our partners? We have to attack the defense mechanisms.

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Getting the text

Have you had a conversation with someone over text, and someone ended up angry because they misinterpreted something?

Those conversations work the same way for the avoidant but in person.

Let me explain.

An avoidant can become dismissive as there are proper methods to send information to get a positive response.

Avoidants sense the weight and pressure of the words they receive from their partners when they feel accusatory rather than constructive.

Switching phrases such as “you always” with “when I feel” can generate two different responses.

For example, “You always ignore me when I am trying to share something important with you” sounds completely different than “ When I feel like I don’t have your attention, I feel unseen.”

Rephrase your sentences so the avoidant can see where you’re coming from.

The first sentence sounds like you have accumulated a massive list, and now your partner has failed you.

Give the avoidant an avenue to work with you and build a conversation that will lead to the outcome that you’re looking for.

The building blocks

I don’t want to waste time with a long preamble. Your partner is not going to respond well to outbursts and frustration.

Avoidants are guaranteed to shut down when they see a barrage of emotions coming in their direction.

I share this frequently, but it is important to reinforce it. Your words have to be digestible because avoidants need time to process.

Let’s play out a scene that you might be very familiar with.

You have thoughts spiraling in your mind and want to get them off your chest. While you are seeking a space to vent and express, you get a negative reaction from your partner, and they seemingly shut down.

It feels like they resist the idea of listening to what you have to say, and you inevitably feel disrespected. Something that started as a potentially peaceful conversation has exploded into a fight.

You can create the stage to avoid these moments when you establish a 3 step process to present the problem you want to solve.

Step one is to stop presenting the items as problems. We can reverse the processing time by sharing the outcome instead. “You never spend quality time with me” is different than “We can strengthen our connection by setting aside intentional time”.

Step two is to share the workload. Your partner cannot feel it is their task to finish without you. “We” statements are more effective than “you need to.”

Step three is to be positive with your feedback. Your partner cannot build a house in a day. Show gratitude for the moments they step up.

Roll it up

The last piece sounds like a childish task to complete, but you have to guide the mouse to the cheese.

Part of the reason avoidants can struggle to communicate is their inability to match your expression.

I can assume there have been times when you express a feeling to your partner, and when you ask them how they feel, you get a short, emotionless answer.

It feels like your partner is closed off and has nothing to contribute to the conversation. I bet it feels like you don’t know much about them.

Take your time engaging with an avoidant and trying to elicit emotions.

Instead of trying to force the emotion out of them, state an emotion that they might not be aware they’re feeling.

“Do you ever get frustrated when that happens,” is better than “What do you think?”

You might not be correct in the emotion you present, but it gets the ball rolling and can steer you toward the conversation you want.

I wasn’t born yesterday. I know this dynamic can be frustrating, but take your time, be present, and you will see the benefits.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session. Here. or email me at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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