In a man’s man’s world, who says there’s no room for Bette Midler?
Heartbreak. At one time or another, whether male or female, we’ve all been there: it’s a normal part of growing up, a normal part of life. But that doesn’t make dealing with it any easier. For many, it is the most painful experience that they will ever have to face.
I’ve dealt with it plenty over the course of my 22-year life. I can remember with perfect clarity the first time my heart was broken—I was four years old, kissing my cat Princess goodbye as the family vet euthanized her. I remember that I cried from that instant up until we got home and my father poured the last shovelful of dirt over her backyard grave, at which point he turned to me and said, “Stop crying. What are you, a little girl?”
And so I stopped. From that point on, I did my best not to cry in front of him or anyone else. When I felt the urge coming on, or the pain coming back, I pushed it down and didn’t let it out until I was certain that nobody was around to hear me. After all, I wasn’t a girl. I was a boy. And boys don’t cry.
That was my first lesson in love, and I learned a lot from it. On the one hand I learned that, if you love something, you’re opening yourself up for a lot of pain; you risk getting hurt. On the other, I learned that society prefers its men stoic. Men are supposed to be strong—physically, mentally, emotionally. They don’t break down over something as foolish as love and the pain it can cause.
Yeah, right.
♦◊♦
I was an unbearably shy child growing up. I was overweight, I didn’t have many friends, and for a long time I was the butt of every bully’s joke. Needless to say, I didn’t have many girls interested in me.
But that’s not to say that I didn’t experience love. I experienced every pain associated with it and none of the joys.
I was the boy who became friends with his crushes, but never anything more. I was the boy who went to dances alone because he didn’t have the courage to ask anyone to go with him. I was the boy who loved from a distance because he was too afraid of getting close. What’s the point? I thought. Who could love someone like me?
I was convinced that there was something wrong with me, that if I could just change something, I would deserve to be loved.
The most obvious problem I could address was my weight, and so in my senior year of high school I crash dieted. I even went through a period of about a month in which I was bulimic. I lost 80 pounds in six months. But it wasn’t enough. There was so much about me that needed to be fixed, I thought, and I just didn’t know what else to do. How could I expect somebody else to love me when I didn’t even love myself?
♦◊♦
It was at this low point in my life that I was home alone, listening to the radio, when a song came on that summed up everything I was going through. It brought me to tears as I listened. It’s by Bette Midler, it’s called “The Rose,” and when I say it changed my life, I mean it truly did.
I was in a really dark place at that time, and I hadn’t known how to get out. I had thought about suicide on more than one occasion—I believed that it might be the only way to get rid of the pain that I was feeling. I didn’t think that anybody knew what I was going through, didn’t think that anybody could understand what it was like to be so completely alone, to be so filled with love and have nobody to give it to. And then this song came on and made me realize that I wasn’t alone, that however much I didn’t believe it, I did in fact deserve to be loved.
It’s funny, looking back and saying this now, but Bette Midler saved my life.
♦◊♦
In case you aren’t familiar with the song, here are the first eight lines:
Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor,
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
and endless, aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you, it’s only seed.
The metaphors get gooier and more romantic the longer you listen, and I will be the first person to admit that it is a song aimed towards women. It’s sappy, it’s cliched, it just oozes of estrogen, and I love it. Always will. From the first time I heard it, it’s become my emotional porn of choice.
I turn to this song whenever life and love get me down. When my heart is broken or I find myself questioning the point of it all, it’s “The Rose” that keeps me out of that dark place that I lived in for so long. It’s “The Rose” that finally made me realize that I, like everyone else, deserve to be loved, that I deserve to love myself, and it’s “The Rose” that gave me the courage to go out there and take the chances that need to be taken in order to find happiness.
And you know what? Fine, it may not be the manliest way to deal with a broken heart. But I’ve had friends who have been dumped by their girlfriends who reacted by going out and screwing the first girl that they met. I’ve had friends who went around punching walls and trees and lampposts. And of course I’ve known people to respond to heartbreak by going out and getting shitfaced—my father dealt with emotional issues the same way he dealt with any issue, by hitting the bottle, and I watched his marriage to my mother disintegrate because of it.
I’ve known men react to love problems in all of the ways that it is expected for a man to react, and I can tell you now with all certainty that none of them ever felt better just by going out and having sex with a stranger or by punching inanimate objects or by getting drunk. The only thing that ever makes them feel better is realizing that even though love can hurt, it doesn’t have to hurt forever.
And that’s why I’m talking about this song now. I have, admittedly, kept my affiliation with this song a secret for a long time, quite simply because I was embarrassed. I mean, if men can’t even cry, then no human being that lays claim to testes—no real man—would ever be caught dead listening to this song.
But it’s time to come clean. “The Rose” helped me out of a really dark place, and I don’t know if I ever would have gotten out of it without this song. So I’m done with being quiet about it just because society prefers it that way. I’m sharing my experience with it in hopes that it can help even just one other man climb up out of that hole.
I’m going to end with the last eight lines of the song, for the sole reason that they are awesome lines with which to end an essay on heartbreak:
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky, and the strong,
just remember, in the winter,
far beneathe the bitter snow
lies the seed that with the sun’s love
in the spring becomes the rose.Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
Just remember guys, it won’t always be this bad, and there’s no shame in crying when it is.
—Photo AP/The Telegraph
I love this! Music is powerful and healing. I was a very sad, lonely kid. I remembering vividly crying while listening to this song in the 7th grade. It was a very personal, healing experience. I totally relate to your article. Thanks!
Since for now, an article on male heartbreak is the closest to an important subject oversight here at the Good Men Project I’ve seen lately, I’m attaching that criticism here. Why is there no permanent section for men’s divorce issues? Is the editorial staff being wary of the multiple cans of worms this will no doubt open? Are they afraid it’ll be overrun by shrill voices from the men’s rights movement? Frankly, so far as I have seen since visiting here, your readership has no idea why this is true. If this site is to remain true to it’s mission… Read more »
Hi there, thanks for the comment. We do believe divorce to be an important issue. The way it works is that since we are a community site, the topics that people are writing about and talking about and submitting to get highlighted on any given day. But your comment made me realize that although divorce is important enough that a lot of guys have written about it here, there is no easy way to access those articles. So I’ve created a section for Divorce (halfway down on the left, or here: https://goodmenproject.com/category/divorce/) — and right now it has about 30… Read more »
The speediness & candor of your response reflects well on you, your site’s editorial policies, as well as my faith in your site’s adherence to its stated mission via your lightning-quick addressing of the issue I mentioned. I am delighted & charmed to respond in the form of an open posting not only to you, Ms.Hickey, but the site and its readership as well. I also wish to thank you by way of explaining a little of my background. I am not a divorced man and have been married for over thirty years. This is offered as a statement of… Read more »
Timothy, a raw and deeply beautiful *masculine* piece. Thank you for sharing.
Got to love the songs that make you cry. And the great thing about Bette is that she can make you dance, too. When you’re ready.
My favourite Bette Midler song is “To Deserve You”. It’s how I felt about my “Dream Lover”, whom I lost, leading to my “Nuclear Winter of the Heart’s Despair”. (Those are two of my articles on The Good Men Project site.) As Bette croons, “If I could be granted a wish / I’d shine in your eye like a jewel / How I want to deserve you…” I’m gay, but I see no reason why straight men can’t experience the same kinds of emotions vis-a-vis their significant others, especially The One.
I was touched. It’s okay not to be cool. Thanks for coming out.
Thank you for sharing some of your deepest and darkest moments. It’s endearing to hear “the rose” was your inspiration; that was one of my favorite ballad to karaoke to! Music can truly heal the soul. It’s helped me to stay sane during some very tough times in my life. People can choose how they handle challenges that get thrown their way – you can choose to reflect and feed your soul with positive things; or self-destruct by drinking, abusing substances, cutting themselves, violence…this is very reactionary and bad for that person and everyone around. Kudos to you for handling… Read more »
I was the same kind of kid in high school. I had to smile when I saw this essay would be about “The Rose,” which is one of my favorite songs, too. Although Ms. Midler is an icon in gay culture, she has been shellacked in schmaltz. It’s not exactly cool to admire songs like “The Rose,” even on this side of the street. But I do, and I always will. Glad to hear Timothy does, too.
Thank you for your transparency, and for the way you’ve encouraged the men that read Good Men Project. We are all human, firstly, whether male or female. And everybody feels pain. You’re so right about how a good number of men deal with pain, or claim to deal with pain to those who ask. I had an experience with my father that was about the same as yours, when I was a young child. Even though I;m not a guy, I know how that invalidation feels, and takes away the feeling of being safe to show emotion at home with… Read more »
Frelle,
This is a piece that I was working on for a while — I wrote a draft of it three years ago in college, but it took The Good Men Project to give me that final push to get it done. I don’t mind talking about these experiences because of the simple fact that I made it through them, when a lot of people don’t. So if talking about it can help even just one more person make it through, then I’m glad to do it. I’m so glad that you liked the essay!
Best,
Tim
I’m speechless!
What a great article.
I’m only new to this site – but I’m finding these entries astounding. This was beautiful. Heartbreaking. I loved every line. Are you on Twitter – or do you have a blog I could follow?
Ezz,
I wish I could say I did have a blog for you to follow, but as I’m just starting out, I don’t. I do have a twitter, which I use to post any articles that I write (@tendrecroppes). It might be a bit slow, but when I have new work I always make sure to post it there. I’m glad you liked the essay!
Tim