Spice Up the Year

We have all heard the shrill caw of the complainer: “Pumpkin spice coffee in September? That’s too early!” People need to stop bitching. I say, it is never too early. It is a spice mix, not a Solstice. Pumpkin spice, in all its forms, should be offered to–nay, pushed on–consumers all year round. Here’s why.

To many, pumpkin spice is the sign of autumn, more so than leaves falling, school starting, and cheap vacationers booking rooms at the Jersey shore. Perhaps some have such a wistful view of pumpkin spice because it distracts from the fact that the decaying part of the year is upon us. But I cannot separate the two. Even when swaddled in my favorite sweater, a pumpkin spice latte in one hand and a classic book in the other, I’m still reminded that the year is on death’s doorstep. And that, as death tends to do, takes away from the experience.

Pumpkin spice invariably leads to thoughts of Thanksgiving, and all that that holiday entails. Why restrict those feelings to a few weeks of the year? Celebrating gluttony and Native American genocide is as American as apple—I mean, pumpkin—pie, and should remain pleasantly in the forefronts of our minds with every sniff of the spice’s alluring scent.

With the earth’s poles and axis and whatnot, it is probably always autumn somewhere in the world, like New Zealand or wherever the Maoris are. What better way to respect their culture than with a pumpkin spice latte, as they do the same in real time? Before each sip, we can even “toast” our indigenous Polynesian friends in an expression of global goodwill, without seeming imperialistic. This will alleviate problems with North Korea.

Gourds, not only is that a terrific word to pronounce—go ahead, swish it around your mouth for a couple of seconds before letting it roll off your tongue like an Orange Is the New Black cast member sashaying down the red carpet—but gourds go, oftentimes literally, right next to pumpkins. The more gourds, the fewer terrorist attacks.

Any heterosexual man knows that fall equals football. And anything that can help keep people in a football state of mind throughout the year can only result in increased production in all areas of society, and lower health-care costs across the board.

Does pumpkin spice produce a Pavlovian effect on people to spend money on a bunch of worthless shit? This is being argued before the Supreme Court as we speak. The biggest shopping day of the year occurs at the peak of pumpkin spice season. So let us stimulate the economy like so year-round. This will help lower taxes and create jobs.

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If this alt-right, Antifa, cis-gender political climate has taught us anything, it is that we all could stand to be a little more festive. Year-round pumpkin spice will motivate people to say “Merry Christmas” more, and nobody gets tired of hearing that.

Pumpkin pie hearts for Valentine’s Day? I think I am in love. Pumpkin spice iced lattes in July? The lines of women in sundresses waiting for their order would shimmy like waves of heat rising from a pavement. A most beautiful visage, indeed. This would also significantly decrease crime throughout the country.

The benefits of year-round pumpkin spice are endless, much more so than yogurt or some other disgusting food. It no longer should be confined to the shackles of a particular season. Besides, with climate change, we’ll soon be down to one or two seasons anyway.