This is a comment by Mike on the post “Some Thoughts on Forgiveness“.
Mike said:
As someone who has worked through a lot of these issues, here is my perspective.
For a long time I was very angry with my abuser. This was incredibly important, and I quite rightly got very angry when people told me to forgive. I was settled in the view that my anger would gradually fade, but in no way would I forgive. Then spontaneously forgiveness started to happen.
To be clear when I say forgiveness, I mean letting go of the anger, and moving on. Not letting the perpetrator back into my life, or absolving her of responsibility for her crimes. So rather than fantasising about murdering her, I took real steps to getting her prosecuted. Not out of a desire for her to be raped in prison, but out of a desire to protect other kids, and a desire for her to get the treatment that she needs. It is forgiveness with her hopefully behind bars, and definitely not working with children. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Survivors will be angry for as long as is necessary. Telling them to forgive is pointless at best, and can be extremely harmful because some survivors will bury their pain and anger in an attempt to seem nice and forgiving. It might take years, but if it is right for the survivor then they will forgive on their own. Some survivors never forgive and that is OK too.
If you know an angry survivor then support the anger as a necessary part of healing. If the survivor makes realistic plans to rape or murder the abuser then point out that this puts the wrong person in prison. If you are fed up with their anger then you can ask them to try and control their anger around you. Don’t tell them to forgive the un-forgiveable.
Photo credit: Flickr / mrpbps
Yes, I find truth in everything Mike is saying. What is troubling in my family, and I am sure many others, is that the survivor says he forgives the perpetrator, but because I expressed my own pain/hurt/anger, his anger shifted to ME, as well as my entire family’s anger, because I have different feelings and I expressed them. So my male loved one really HAS NOT forgiven his perpetrator. He’s just shifted his anger and everyone else’s feelings (grief, pain, etc.) to me, and I’ve done nothing but support and love my male loved one. Difficult situation. I applaud your… Read more »
I’ve forgiven my perpetrators, but I don’t see me getting there with society and it’s ever-increasing willful ignorance of what adults really do to children. The deep-seated sense of immunity is greatly weakening the protection we can offer.
Rick, You are so correct. Forgiveness is not something you have to get done today type of thing. When I first heard people tell me to forgive, I was like I’ll give you something to forgive! I was angry, hurt and in so much pain during that time, but it was part of the process. Just like getting a cut on your hand – normally the next day it hurts, but that pain is required in order to summon the body’s healing mechanisms to heal the cut. Anger was such a part of my life and I’m finally getting to… Read more »
I see forgiveness as something for myself, not the offender. It allows people to start to bring closure and as you say, move on. Anger is like picking at a scab. Eventually it will heal but as long as I keep doing something to it, the healing slows down. Anger is a God given emotion and everyone has the right to feel anger, it’s what we do with it that can harm us. And that doesn’t only mean lashing out. Just as each of us have different thresholds of physical pain, we all have different thresholds of mental pain and… Read more »