This is a comment by Sarah on the post “The Truth about Porn and Relationships“.
Sarah said:
“I don’t have kids but actually my libido has diminished a bit as I’ve gotten older. I used to want sex every day, which now seems exhausting. Maybe other women start at a lower baseline. I don’t know, sometimes I think I’m just an oddball or a weirdo for a woman. I used to feel a lot of shame about my sex drive—I thought it was too strong, unfeminine, even bizarre. I thought women weren’t supposed to like sex. That’s what I heard growing up. I thought I was supposed to want candles and romance and holding hands. I wasn’t supposed to be the one asking for a good hard f@ck! What’s wrong with me? 🙂 I still hate it when my boyfriend says things to me like, ‘You’re not like most women!’ even though he means it as a compliment, it makes me feel like a freak. Like I shouldn’t like sex so much. Every time I read an article about women having low libidos or sexless marriages or never wanting sex, there is a part of me that feels ashamed and weird.
“I’m just saying this to make a point that women get drowned in negative messages about our sexuality. I grew up in the 1970’s and ’80’s when many adults really were trying to provide healthier messages about sex. We had a really comprehensive sex education class for girls my freshman year in HS taught by a feminist ex-hippie softball coach. My mom had a copy of ‘Our Bodies Ourselves.’ Even so, no one ever told me that it was okay to like sex. The message I got was that lots and lots of men would pressure me for sex, and possibly date rape me if I wasn’t careful, because men, you know, are generally sex crazed maniacs, and that if I was stupid I might get pregnant or catch an STD. I was supposed to be smart, responsible, and careful about sex, learn to say ‘NO!’ and only have sex when I was ‘ready’ whatever that meant. These were all great messages, but kind of the underlying subtext was that men wanted sex and I wasn’t supposed to. The only girls who wanted sex were the slutty girls who were dumb and let boys ‘take advantage’ of them. Those girls end up pregnant, with herpes, and discarded like a used Kleenex.
With all these messages in our heads, I think it can be difficult for women to really be in touch with their own libidos and to have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality. I know there are hormonal changes, physical changes and so on that can also play a big role, definitely, but I think focusing on that part of it makes it seem inevitable that women will have low libidos and even may make some women feel unconsciously that they are “supposed” to have a low libido or they are “weird.”. As I mentioned, I’m aware of thoughts like that going through my head sometimes.
Photo credit: Flickr / The Raggedy-man
Undeniably believe that which you stated. Your favorite
reason appeared to be on the internet the simplest thing to be aware of.
I say to you, I definitely get irked while people consider
worries that they just don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people could take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks
This is my understanding of a woman’s experience also, though as a man I haven’t had to deal with it. With all this bullshit it’s no wonder there are so many women who are an-orgasmic, and mostly for psychological reasons. The notion that male sexuality is inherently harmful hurts everyone (everyone heterosexual at least). Men are given a choice between being a jerk who gets laid, but constantly hurts women, and can’t handle emotional connections, or being a loser who MIGHT attract an equally chaste girl, but equally often becomes the 40 year old virgin. So far I seem to… Read more »
Your middle paragraph is fantastic, Sarah. I grew up in the 90s and early 00’s and got much of the same conditioning as you did – lots of clinical honesty, and lots of *warnings* about sex, not so much encouragement or guidance with the other nuances of sexual relationships. I’m starting to believe that sex ed should be a LIFELONG pursuit, not just something to introduce kids and teens to the mechanics, and consequences, of reproduction. I used to attend a Unitarian church which used a program called OWL – Our Whole Lives – for intergenerational sex ed. (It’s not… Read more »
One of the reasons women go to porn more now is for permission giving. But porn is very alienating, even when it’s naturalistic, because it translates a feel medium into a see medium. I suggested on another board that a friend get her husband to do oral sex (this was a board friend, not someone I’ve ever met – they’d had some problems.) She was entertaining the idea when another woman said that the idea made her “sick.” Within a minute or two, all the women on that board became very angry at me, labeling me “creepy.” My friend joined… Read more »
I’m sorry for what you experienced on the other board. I’m not sure I follow you on the permission-giving, though – could you explain that in more detail? Who gives permission to whom, for what? The OWL program I participated in was actually taught by a married couple in their 60s. And that’s another subtext women and men are fed – that after a certain age, people are no longer sexual; that sex is for the young and attractive, not the old and arthritic. Mentioning “old people sex” is a surefire way to gross out a lot of “young people,”… Read more »
Yes, I’m 67, and I’ve been called an old this or that. We have an active sexlife. My thesis on women needing permission giving (this is anecdotal – from several male students) is from their recounting that women went up at least a notch in terms of arrousal when watching porn during sex. So, watching another woman having sex gave permission to let go even more. Women do become genitally tumescent and lubricate when watching porn, but are not likely to realize it consciously. None of the women I’ve been with like porn, but none seem to have more than… Read more »
Wow, I’m so thrilled my comment got picked up! Maybe I’m finally getting good at this Internet thingamajig! Seriously though, I could say a lot about how well-meaning sex education kind of traumatized me, despite providing no doubt valuable information. There’s a great South Park episode where after a sex ed class, all the girls are terrified of the boys on the playground. “Are you wearing a condom? Eww, get your STD’s away from me!” Of course, I’m NOT saying we shouldn’t teach teen girls about how to avoid pregnancy and STD’s, and learning about personal safety and consent are… Read more »
@sarah…
Congrats!
While I did not read the original post, I do understand where you and many women are coming from on this.
Great comments.
Part of the deal with this is that sex-negat*ive femisists have put this message out. The idea is to put pressure against men, and extend the “sexual-harras*s*ment” discourse out of the workplace into everyday life to slow down men’s access to women. It’s possible to be compassionate about it, because it’s a screen for middle-class women professionalizing, but it’s a tragedy for love in everyday life. It’s no accident that the “vagi*na monologues” are called that, rather than the “vul*va monologues.” Middle class feminists have been moving against sex as pleasure for a while.