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Divorce is never easy, but when children are involved, it is exponentially more difficult. According to Get Divorce Papers, when custody is decided, most often the mother is given physical custody of the children. This leaves fathers from being with their children every day to having to see them according to a schedule. Making the transition is hard for both the child and father, but it is not impossible. There are numerous ways to make the shift easier and as seamless as possible. Below are some things that may be helpful for dads going through a divorce.
Be There for Your Children
While you are feeling many emotions at this time, divorce has turned your kid’s life upside down. The most important thing you can do is let your children know you will always be there for them. Your presence is the most important thing. Your child may be feeling thoughts of guilt and sadness thinking the divorce is a result of something they did or did not do. They may feel like you love them less or don’t love them anymore, so it is so important that you reassure them that your love for them has not changed. They need to know that you will always be there for them.
Your children may also not exhibit any emotions initially, but that does not mean that they are not feeling hurt or have psychological problems. Children with divorced parents are at a higher risk for depression, trouble in school, and other disruptive behaviors. This is a huge change for them and no matter how old they are they may find it difficult to accept and know how to cope with what is happening.
During the first year after divorce the behavioral changes may be the most prevalent and slowly resolve with time. The changes to look out for will vary by age, but are most commonly:
- Infants (Birth to 1 year old): Sleep issues and/or fussiness
- Toddlers (1-3 years old): Separation anxiety
- Preschoolers (3-5 years old): Antisocial behavior, anxiety, increased aggressive behavior
- School-aged children (5-12 years old): Anger, lack of affection, diminished school performance
- Adolescents (12-19 years old): Behavioral problems; substance abuse
As parents you are the biggest support system your children have and the ones they will look to, to help them get through this divorce. There are a lot of different ways to help your kids adjust. A few examples are:
- Maintain a civil relationship with the other parent. While you and your ex may not be friends or even want to be friendly, it is very important that you do not fight in front of the children
- Keep a routine. With all the changes that are happening it is very important that you create a routine for your child and stick to it.
- Encourage a great relationship with your child and the other parent. During divorce, children can be left feeling like they need to pick sides. If is so important, as the adult, you foster a great relationship between your child and the other parent. Let them know that it is no one’s fault, and it is okay to love both parents.
- Be a great listener! Really hear what your children have to say. Let them be free to express how they feel and acknowledge what they are feeling. From anger to sadness, you need to acknowledge their fears and assure them that everything will be okay.
- Seek help if needed. It is important to accept that you do not have all the answers and it is possible that your child does not want to open up to you. Help is out there. There are counselors that specialize in helping children cope with divorce.
Be Accessible
After the divorce, your child may not longer live with you full time. Even if you share equal custody with your spouse, you still will not see your children as often as before. For those reasons, it is so important that you stay close to your children. Living close to the other parent allows you to spend more time with your children and makes everything more convenient for everyone. With everything that has change living close, allows your child to find comfort in the environment they are used to. They will still be close to school and friends as wells as any extracurricular activities.
While living in close proximity to the other parent is not always possible due to work or circumstances out of your control, being accessible to your children via phone or facetime will help keep you connected to your children. Being consistent is key to keep a great connection between you and your child.
Stay Connected
Even in the best circumstances, after the divorce there will be times that you will not be physically with your children. During those time it is essential that you find other ways to stay connected to them. This is especially important if you move away and are not close to your child. Absence after divorce can create hurt feelings and a loss of connection. There are a lot of ways to keep a great connection with your children so be creative! A few ideas are:
Facetime: Being apart is not easy, but thanks to technology you can always see your child. No matter how old your child is, thanks to FaceTime or video call you can see your child, they can hear your voice and see you. This is an easy way to remain a big part of their lives. You can call at bedtime to read them a story and wish them goodnight. You can check on them in the morning and wish them a great day at school. You can also watch them compete in soccer or other sporting events.
Surprise them: Big or small, surprises are ways to remind your children you are thinking of them. Small surprises like sending flowers after an important milestone or just because is something they will remember and cherish for years to come. Send special text messages just so they know you are thinking of them. Even the smallest act reminds your children they are special to you, and you are thinking of them.
Care packages: You know your child the best. Grab a few of their favorite things and send it to them. From their favorite snack to a stuffed animal, send a little something when they are sick or for a special occasion to show how much you care and let them know you are never far away.
Create a Parenting Plan
Even if you and your ex are on the best terms after divorce, a parenting plan is so important to keep your rights protected. According to Instant Online Divorce, a parenting plan is the best way to avoid conflicts and maintain structure for divorcing parents. When filing for divorce with children, courts will require parents to lay out their parenting plan and make sure that the best interests of the children are first. Parenting plans are important to define the responsibilities of each parent and what is to be expected. More than just the time each parent will be with the child after the divorce, parenting plans can also set out rules to follow while the child is in each parent’s care. A few examples are:
- Travel: If, when, how long, and how far parents are allowed to travel with the children. This would apply to vacation times. You need to set out how long each parent can have the child for vacation. How far you can travel with the children. Does each parent need to stay within the state, within the country? All of these are important boundaries to establish.
- Introducing a significant other: Some parents like to establish when a significant other can be introduced to a child. You can agree that no overnights are allowed with a significant other while your children are present. Not introducing the children to a significant other for a specific period of time. Not allowing the parent to leave the children alone with the significant other.
- Legal Decisions: It is essential to establish how legal decisions will be made regarding the children. Do you and your spouse need to agree or can the parent with the child at the time make the decision? From healthcare directives to dying your child’s hair, a parenting plan will help develop how decisions regarding the children can be made.
Parenting plans also spell out the visitation between you and your spouse with the children. Whatever the terms you agree to are what the parents will abide to unless the parenting plan is modified by the court. Some important points relating to schedule addressed in the parenting plan include the following:
- Overnights the child will spend with each parent
- Holidays and birthday visitation
- The access the other parent will have to the children when not with them
- Transportation of the child to and from visitation. This includes who will pick up and drop off the child and the location of the pick up/drop off.
If parents are not able to agree to the terms of the Parenting Plan it is best to go to mediation to resolve these issues. Often times having a third party to mediate enables parents to find a compromise that works for everyone.
Child Support
Child support to some seems scary, but it is a big factor in divorce with children. The best thing you can do is be prepared. Child support is the financial support that one parent pays to the other parent for the support of the children. Child support in most cases is calculated based on the income of both parties, the number of overnights the child(ren) spend with each parent, and any expenses the parent pays for the child currently like health insurance or childcare. Child support is usually paid by the non-custodial parent or the parent that spends the least number of overnights with the children. If parenting time is equal, it could be paid by the parent with the higher income.
Make the Most of the Time You Have
Once the divorce is finalized and you and your spouse have separated the child will begin going from house to house. You will not have your children for the same amount of time that you had them before making it more important than ever to make the time you have them the best time possible. While having fun is important, remember that you also need the kids to have consistency. Having a routine that is followed in both households is vital to make the transition as easy as possible for your children. For example, during the school year it is important for the children to have a set bedtime, a time for homework, and a time to wake up in the morning to get ready for school. Keeping the times similar between households allows them to have the consistency they need to be successful.
Another thing to remember is to be there when you say you will be there. We all know that things happen, but it is crucial that you make the most effort you can to have the kids when you are scheduled to have them.
Dating
Getting divorced while having children does not mean that you are expected to live your life as a single man forever. Eventually you will want to start dating again. It is imperative to remember that this is not only weird for you, but it can also be extremely uncomfortable for your children who are used to only seeing their parents together. Some important things to consider when dating are:
- Your kids come first: When dating, especially in the beginning, try to do it during the times that the children are not with you.
- Tell the truth: Kids are very smart and perceptive. There is no reason to hide that you have met someone, or you are happy, but it is also important to be selective in what you mention to the children. You do not need to mention every date until it is someone that you will be vested in and have around for an extended period of time.
- Calm any fear or doubt: When you first start to date your child may be fearful that you are going to replace them or start a new family. It is important to assure your kids that you will always be there for them and that you are not going anywhere. They need to know that they are irreplaceable.
Should you find yourself more committed and feel you are ready to introduce your new partner to your child make sure the time is right. When you introduce this new person, it is important that they are someone that will stay in their lives for a significant period of time. You do not want to put the children through another separation should they get attached to that person. Look for a fun activity as an icebreaker for the initial meeting. Something that everyone can have fun doing while getting to know each other. It will take the pressure and awkwardness out of that first meeting.
These are just a few tips that can help you transition into this new phase of your life. Divorce is difficult for all parties involved so do your best to find ways to foster healthy relationships between both parents and children. Be consistent with the children and keep open communication as much as possible (if possible) between you and the other parent. There are additional resources out there that are available, like therapy, should you need additional support.
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