David Pisarra, a Men’s Rights lawyer, discusses ‘the new type of abuse—the marginalization of fathers.’
“He raised his voice at me, and I was frightened he was going to hurt me and the kids.”
That’s it. That’s all it takes for a man to lose his children in today’s hyper-sensitive landscape of domestic violence prevention.
This sea change can be traced to the days and months following the tragic death of Nicole Brown Simpson, when the public outcry by the domestic violence lobby moved beyond confronting actual physical altercations and began focusing on the perceived threat of violence. By casting such a wide net, centered almost entirely on male against female domestic violence, there have been unintended consequences that play themselves out in Family Court every day.
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With nothing more than a woman stating, “I was frightened he might hurt us,” a court can remove a man from his home and prevent him from seeing his children for a minimum of three weeks. Often the court will also order either an anger management or a batterer’s intervention class and generally grant the demand by his ex-spouse that he have supervised visitation.
The intrusion by the courts into family dynamics has become so extreme that the domestic violence laws are no longer being used to protect potential victims, but rather to victimize potential abusers.
Let me be clear about this: in the eyes of the court, all men are considered to be potential abusers. No matter his history, if there was any provocation, or if he was in fact the abused victim. This last point is made even more interesting when considering that female-on-male domestic violence make up 50-percent of all cases, yet it is the man who is singled out as being potentially dangerous. And while as an attorney, my professional life is predicated on “innocent until proven guilty,” and “all” is a word to be carefully considered before using, I will say that due to O.J. Simpson’s horrific, inexcusable, and deadly behavior, a shadow has been cast on all men in all cases.
The courts no longer believe there is any appropriate expression of anger and, in essence, have outlawed the emotion. We have made it strategically impossible for a person to display anger in any form, whether a mental health professional would label it a “healthy expression” or not, without the line being automatically drawn to an actual act of physical violence.
But the fact is that humans have a full range of emotions. We get happy, we get sad, and yes, we get angry. And while it is absurd to think that our judicial system could legislate our happiness or sadness, it appears to gladly accept the notion that expressing anger in any fashion should have legal consequences.
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In states across the country, if one parent is determined to be an “abuser”—and in California that means a raised voice—that person is no longer presumed to be a fit parent. The “victim parent” is now presumed to be a better parent and has an advantage when the court makes final determinations of child custody, visitation, and move-away plans to new cities, states, or countries.
This has created the unintended consequence of the strategic domestic violence restraining order. When one parent wants to take unfair advantage in a divorce or paternity case, all that is needed is the granting of domestic violence restraining order and the court will automatically suspend the other parent’s parental rights—usually for a short period. But to the cut-off parent, that brief time can seem like an eternity.
If the court determines that there are grounds for a permanent order, the cut-off parent may be forced to endure a 52-week batterer’s intervention course. The problem with this is that in the flimsy guidelines of what defines domestic violence these days, almost any fact pattern can be twisted to create “violence.”
For fathers who are required to have a monitor to see their children, which is becoming a more common occurrence as a requirement due to the domestic violence allegations, they may be unable to see their children. The costs of a paid monitor can quickly become prohibitive since the man will also be ordered to pay child support, often spousal support, the cost of the batterer’s intervention or anger management classes, and he has to find his own apartment since he’s been evicted from his home.
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Domestic Violence Restraining Orders originally were meant to be a protective measure by the courts. But they have become a fast track process by which unscrupulous parties gain sole legal and sole physical custody of the children.
And, as is typical in “win at all cost” child custody cases, it is often the child that suffers the most. The “victim parent” strategy may yield short-term results for the accusing spouse, but the bad lessons learned by the child may last a lifetime.
Fathers who are truly guilty of domestic violence or child abuse should be viewed as criminals and treated as such. But in our rush to avoid these types of tragedies through a “zero tolerance policy,” we have gone against the most important tenet of the law: Innocent Until Proven Guilty. And the result is that we are creating and perpetuating a new type of abuse—the marginalization of fathers.
—Photo Flickr/a loves dc
In my case, after 18 years of marriage she only had to say those words before the clerk of court (NH), but she added an extra spiff with her satanic lying atty by her side. “He was the victim of seven years of severe sexual abuse, and we all know what they do.” Because I also owned guns, the TEN law enforcement folks were promised a real gunfight. So two tazer wielding sheriffs entered the bathroom whist I showered. To have been blind-sided by my own wife, my support in healing from the abuse, the mother of my children…was too… Read more »
Wow.
The most important article at TGMP and nothing but crickets.
Perhaps men are truly doomed,if our college educated wimmins
hate us more than we care for our basic human rights and due process.
Is pussy really that blinding?
Just noticed this is an old article. No wonder it’s hard to find from the home page. In any event: All hyperbole aside,one million men worked over per year,one million families disrupted,the consequences often hidden over time,the end result,a less polite and civil society. Next time you wonder were have all the good men gone,or why no one smiles anymore of lends aid to the stranger in need,these are all manifestations of the brutality of injustice. “No justice, no peace” is more than a slogan to be chanted at a rally,it is a statement about cause and effect. Now I… Read more »
Jay said “I raise this point because several women I know work in the PPO office in my home county. While I do not have statistics in front of me, the PPO judges don’t grant personal protection orders to women just because.” That is a flat out lie jay and you know it.It is contemptible to repeat it. As a mater of fact those (female) county clerks who help issue those FREE Ex-parte orders broke Michigan law by using a typewriter to check all the boxes on the form. Judge did not allow that as evidence. also the plaintiff did… Read more »
It was interesting to read Thomas Ball’s last writings again today.
By his calculations these false accusation cause roughly 1.7 million people to be homeless each year.
Roughly 2 per household consisting of man,wife and two children.
How does this best serve women and children again?
Even with the govt support, the accuser is going to lose financially in the long run.
Between MGTOW,no marriage,homelessness,and other factors such as loss of health insurance,children in poverty,the bank is almost broken on this entitlement.
There is an estimated one million PPO’s issued per year in the US,and by all means available it looks like over half of them are unfounded,except as a weapon of terrorism.
I hear ya Danny,about being scarred.
With 4 more years of this misandry the marriage rate is going to plummett.
There is no way this heinous (legal) criminality can go on forever.
In Michigan the PPO’s stand for a full year unless challenged,in some states that can be renewed w/o the mans knowledge for another year. I got my false accusation and loss of liberty overturned ofter several court appearances and many thousands of dollars while she had free legal counsel from the shelter and prosecutor. Now I fear the unjust power women have over me and avoid them at all costs,no one should have that kind of power over another,to point a finger and have the law come and reek havok in a mans life. The new version of VAWA is… Read more »
“They don’t issue PPO’s for nothing.”
Oh yes they do, it’s called ex-parte,where the man doesn’t even know he’s being served,upon review OVER HALF of the PPO’s in Wayne CO. MI. were overturned.
Clearly judicial abuse and unconstitutional..
What if the government gives away free nanny cams. If you are actually being terrorized it will show up on the video, then the courts can punish people who are actually abusive. That way women can be safe and men don’t have to be afraid of frivolous accusations.
interesting…
You can thank feminism for the corrupt family ‘court’ system and the farce of domestic violence legislation. It has added fuel to the fire and made bad family situations even worse. Feminists are experts at exploiting tragedies for political and financial gain. Feminism teaches women that a political and legal remedy should exist for every wrong they feel they’ve suffered, and that all the countries institutions exist just to pamper them, and that taxpayers (men who are unrelated to them ) should foot he bill for all of it. To add insult to injury, out of the other side of… Read more »
Why does the fear of a woman make her emotions a fact? It should, instead, be treated as an allegation that needs to be investigated and either proved or disproved. I understand wanting to protect children but the law is supposed to have more exacting standards than “He’s a Witch! Burn him!”
I wish I could share the hopeful comments from a number of earlier commenters, mainly women from the names I would note, that things might start to even out with the Courts and the IPV prevention folks treating the sexes more equally. From my own research in Massachusetts, which is a leader in this area, we still have a long way to go. The only shelter beds for abused men are at the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project. The few other DV shelters who will take men’s calls seriously send men to flea bag hotels, if they even offer shelter… Read more »
Outstanding article and outstanding viewpoints by all. As a victim, so to speak, of being estranged from my father by the court system (and this goes back to 1977) I can personally attest to the long-term damage. I still see confidence problems within myself from not being properly mentored by my father, and holes I tried to fill with serving my country in the Marines and Martial arts training. It wasn’t until I finally met my father in 2008 – http://www.aweekwithmyfather.com – that I began to learn the truth. My father never hit my mother – she had six brothers,… Read more »
That’s the weird thing about men and anger. The system drives us to anger and then turns around and waits to lung on us if we so much as think about getting angry.
“He raised his voice at me, and I was frightened he was going to hurt me and the kids.” – this quote could have been taken verbatim from my case. Eight years ago my ex entered family court with the strategy – yes it was a premeditated strategy – to label me as an abuser in order to get my child completely away from me. Years of legal battles ensued, I had to get anger management counseling (and be proven to have no anger issues whatsoever,) until we essentially ‘broke even.’ Well, I was broke, visitation was even, and the… Read more »
Thanks for this article. My issue is less about the content and more about the unspoken assumption that domestic violence services and responses by the community at large are really super fantastic, when they are not. Are services and response by the legal communities across this country better for women in abusive relationships than men in abusive relationships? Yes. But are all men who are guilty of beating/hitting/slapping/raping their wives/girlfriends jailed? Not enough, really. The facts are that the legal system does not remove abusive men from their victims enough. It does an even worse job removing abusive women. The… Read more »
The author, however, makes the mistake that many men’s advocates do, which is to rest his argument in an only thinly veiled disregard for the 60% of domestic violence victims who just happen to be women. So the 40% of those victims that are male don’t matter? I don’t recall him saying that that 60% you’re bringing up didn’t matter. And does this mean that you have a problem with women’s advocates that disregard that 40% of victims that happen to be men? And bear in mind that if they hadn’t be disregarded this article would have never been written… Read more »
Jay, whats your source for 60% of victims are women?
Modern research is showing that women are the main domestic abusers and that their own violence is the strongest predictor of their being injured…
h t tp://ajph.aphapublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/97/5/941
Keep checking your facts. According to a Center for Disease Control, Center on Injury Prevention publication: “IPV (intimate partner violence) resulted in 2,340 deaths in 2007. Of these deaths,
70% were females and 30% were males.” http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/IPV_factsheet-a.pdf
I’d also mention that many, if not all domestic violence programs serve male victims of violence.
Tess, you check your facts, women are more likely to commit dv and severe than men. Straus, M. A. (2001). Prevalence of violence against dating partners by male and female university students worldwide. Violence Against Women, 10, 790-811. (Dating aggression was studied at 31 universities in 16 countries worldwide. Responding to the revised Conflict Tactics Scale were 8666 students . Results reveal that overall 25% of men and 28% of women assaulted their dating partner in the past year. At 21 of the 31 universities studied a larger percentage of women than men assaulted their dating partner. In terms of… Read more »
Tess, you check your facts, women are more likely to commit severe DV than men. Straus, M. A. (2001). Prevalence of violence against dating partners by male and female university students worldwide. Violence Against Women, 10, 790-811. (Dating aggression was studied at 31 universities in 16 countries worldwide. Responding to the revised Conflict Tactics Scale were 8666 students . Results reveal that overall 25% of men and 28% of women assaulted their dating partner in the past year. At 21 of the 31 universities studied a larger percentage of women than men assaulted their dating partner. In terms of severe… Read more »
How on earth does cutting innocent men off from their children advance women’s rights? How does covering up female abuse help women? The only people it helps is (female) abusers.
Wow. Good Men Project actually has a good article on a real men’s issue. Progress.
This is an excellent article. Beyond the information conveyed by someone who appears to be on the ‘inside’ it takes a position that is rarely seen…which is a shame. Like the writer said, the FACT is that half of all cases of Domestic Violence are women against men. And it is probably higher than that when you consider how reticent men are to alert the authorities because of the social stigma. I was shocked when I read that so I did my own research and I’m convinced that it’s a true statement. What’s happened, as it seems to me, is… Read more »
What I want to know is how can we get some changes going with the legal system? who do we go to? Something needs to change desperately. I have a son who has been railroaded by the court system with his daughters from the second his wife went for divorce. He has not seen his daughters in three yrs. and has spent out &15000.00 and for what? to have everything thrown out of court. This needs to stop. She has been in contempt over and over and over, has moved three times, refused him visits and phone time and it… Read more »
Unfortunately Diane, it’s only when this happens that men decide that the MRM has some valid points, and women finally see that men are getting screwed. It either has to happen to oneself or to one’s sons to make it real. When you talk about this to women you know, do you find the answer ‘Well he had to have done something!’
Women are never at fault, Diane, which works well until it’s our own sons…
Radical feminism needs to be cut off from VAWA funding and their system replaced by a non ideological, egalitarian one designed by experts and based on reality. These gender bigots domestic violence quacks have to go. “But let’s not forget that men, throughout history, have been able to dominate and control their wives, even abuse them in myriad forms, without legal consequence. That is changing, and we, as men, need to realize that, and accept that we also need to change.” There is no evidence that family violence hasn’t always been the way is now, women as primary child abusers… Read more »
I really have to wonder about statistics that claim that women are any more likely to abuse than men (just as I wonder about statistics that isolate DV as a male issue). I can’t imagine that “being an asshole” is in any way a gendered issue unless you carefully adjust definitions of abuse in order to get the desired results.
This article seems to take a very narrow view, and resist any sense at balanced presentation. I have been witness to several relationships (within my family and friends) where one partner genuinely terrorizes and abuses the other partner, without ever inflicting direct physical harm. I have seen people I love live in fear of partners, though the author’s apparent definition of abuse was never reached. And in almost all cases I have been witness to, the perpetrator was a man, and the victim a woman. The courts, fortunately, seem to have realized that abuse does not always leave a scar.… Read more »
No, this article tries to address a blanced view: Fathers who lose their kids due to false accustions of potential violence. Believe it or not, these things happen. “But let’s not forget that men, throughout history, have been able to dominate and control their wives, even abuse them in myriad forms, without legal consequence. That is changing, and we, as men, need to realize that, and accept that we also need to change.” History was ages ago. Time for the now. And why is it ONLY men who have to change? What do they have to gain from being the… Read more »
Equality is what feminism is all about. The trouble with the logic in this article and some of the responses is the assumption that feminism and equality are about competition…when one sex gets brought up then one has to loose out…this just isn’t true. Yes men have feelings and issues that need to be addressed in order for all of us to have safe and healthy families/communities. Women also have issues that need to address(bodies in the morgue say domestic violence is a safety concern of their’s). One sex’s issues should not negate the need to address the other’s. Yes… Read more »
“Equality is what feminism is all about.”
I have heard and read that but have never seen any evidence of it. In reality, feminism and equality have nothing in common.
“The trouble with the logic in this article and some of the responses is the assumption that feminism and equality are about competition…when one sex gets brought up then one has to lose out” This is very true, one sex SHOULDN’T have to lose out. However, what this article illustrates is exactly how in attempting to bring up one sex, the other DOES lose out. For example, especially in domestic violence cases the prevailing attitude drifts towards allowing 100 reasonable, capable fathers to be thrown under the bus if it will prevent even 1 woman from suffering domestic abuse. This… Read more »
” Women also have issues that need to address(bodies in the morgue say domestic violence is a safety concern of their’s). ” Overall most murder victims are male, and a quarter of domestic violence murder victims are male. Raised voices are not domestic violence and I don’t care how loud you yell. If you don’t like the yelling then leave or get some ear plugs. People don’t need the government to referee every personal relationship they enter into short of real physical violence. We don’t need to create a society that’s hostile to males so women can feel safe. The… Read more »
‘without legal consequences’? In the United States, where anti-domestic violence law has been on the books in many states from the 1700s?
But let’s not forget that men, throughout history, have been able to dominate and control their wives, even abuse them in myriad forms, without legal consequence. That is changing, and we, as men, need to realize that, and accept that we also need to change. How can that be forgotten when reasoning like that is how we’ve gotten to the point that David speaks of i his article. There is plenty of talk going on about how men can be abusive and how men need to change. Its high time that that is no longer the only talk going on.… Read more »
“But let’s not forget that men, throughout history, have been able to dominate and control their wives, even abuse them in myriad forms, without legal consequence. That is changing, and we, as men, need to realize that, and accept that we also need to change.” And women haven’t? Just by sheer happenstance, I’ve been made aware of four cases of continual parental abuse among my friends. One was a boy I was friends with in school who was beaten by his father, another two were girls who were beaten and emotionally abused by her mother (and I use neither term… Read more »
a fine article david
In Idaho, interim visitation schedules during the pendency of custody litigation weigh heavily in determining “status quo” visitation – which Idaho law affords a high level of deference to in determining final custody/visitation schedules. This has the practical outcome of creating an unfortunate circumstance when a father or mother find themselves on the wrong end of an allegation that diminishes their visitation during the pending of custody proceedings as even if a judge ultimately determines that a DV allegation is lacking in merit with respect to the civil standard of “preponderance of evidence” – the de facto lower bar (almost… Read more »