Jarad Dewing might be confused as to WHY you’re throwing a party next weekend, but it’s a party, so he’ll try to help.
It’s my understanding that there is a large sporting event called a “Superb Owl” quickly approaching, a day in which large men try to smear each other into the turf, and citizens all over this fine country paint their faces and eat a lot of potato chips. I confess, I do not understand this event. Are we celebrating especially excellent owls by pretending that brown sportsball being tossed and kicked is a field mouse? Are we painting ourselves to mimic the bird of prey’s natural camouflage? Nonetheless, I will try to help you participate in your strange custom.
For last year’s Superb Owl, a group of possibly deranged men (also suspiciously bleary-eyed and probably Canadian) calling themselves Epic Meal Time offered their suggestion for a “manly” party snack. Since I know absolutely nothing about your celebration, I can only assume a 60-pound taco may prove more satisfying and primal than say, a handful of greasy chips.
Of course, you may also end up killing all your guests. I’m not sure which would finally take them – cholesterol poisoning, or machismo-related suffocation.
Perhaps this is part of your ritual, the mass slaughter of your partygoers through caloric overdose, as if they were inferior mammals who wandered into your greasy nest, littered with animal flesh and Axe bodyspray cans. I can only guess. Whichever team wins, the horses or the oceanbirds, I think it’s safe to say that everyone worshiping owls right alongside you will finally have seen your true colors.
Photo via screenshot