Thomas Fiffer reveals 3 ways being nice is the worst thing you can do to your partner.
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Being nice is perhaps the #1 virtue instilled in us during early childhood by our well-meaning parents and teachers and indoctrinated peers. It’s the core of learned conduct, established through positive and negative reinforcement, and the words, “Be nice,” offered with an encouraging smile and the stern warning of a wagging finger, precede nearly every social encounter. Playing with a new friend? “Be nice.” Petting a neighbor’s dog? “Be nice.” Participating in a group activity? “Be nice.”
We’re constantly admonished to be respectful to others, but we’re rarely urged to assert our own rights, especially if they conflict with the desires of others, unless of course those desires are hurtful to us.
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In these situations, being nice means don’t say or do anything mean, insulting, or violent (or anything that will embarrass and shame your parents), but as we grow up, it morphs into the valued character trait of being agreeable and accommodating, willing to compromise, and able to put someone else’s interests ahead of your own. We’re constantly admonished to be respectful to others, but we’re rarely urged to assert our own rights, especially if they conflict with the desires of others, unless of course those desires are hurtful to us. Stand up for your rights and preferences if they’re being trampled, but back off and give way when someone simply wants something different or sees things differently.
As an aside, I’ve never been a fan of bad boys (or bad girls), but they do one thing the nice folks frequently avoid. They’re honest (except of course when they’re lying and cheating) about what they like and don’t like, want and don’t want. They’re not afraid to say no, start a fight, finish a fight, or walk away with their dignity intact. I’m not holding them up as exemplary behavior models, but in this one area of assertiveness, I think they’ve got it right.
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Here are three ways doing things to be nice actually devalues your partner and destroys the trust in your relationship.
Putting agreement ahead of honesty causes you to be untrue to yourself and denies your partner the opportunity to get to know the real you.
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1. Faking agreement … to be nice. Harmony is a beautiful thing. There’s almost no better feeling than being at peace with your partner with no signs of future conflict looming or lingering business remaining unresolved. But putting agreement ahead of honesty causes you to be untrue to yourself and denies your partner the opportunity to get to know the real you. It also gives your partner a free pass on the difficult issues—work, money, kids, life goals—that every couple needs to work through. You can’t grow as partners if you don’t learn who your partner is and to work stuff out together and develop healthy conflict-resolution skills. And if you can’t grow together, you’ll eventually grow apart, which means faking agreement plants the seeds for a breakup. In addition, your constantly giving in creates huge wells of resentment inside you that can eventually overflow in cruel words or actions that you didn’t even know you were capable of. Frequently, faking agreement is a precursor for abuse.
Often we avoid expressing our own unhappiness, because it opens the door for our partners to express their own grievances. In this way, we effectively shut down meaningful relationship dialogue.
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2. Faking enjoyment … to be nice. “Was it good for you?” “Uh huh.” “Really?” “Yeah, it was great.” Pretending you enjoyed the food, the movie, the sex makes life so much easier, doesn’t it? You never have to do that unpleasant thing called complaining, or risk hurting your partner’s feelings. But what about your feelings? Doesn’t your enjoyment matter? And what if your partner truly wants to please you, and you’re denying him or her that chance? What you enjoy is not more important than what your partner enjoys, but it is equally important. Often we avoid expressing our own unhappiness, because it opens the door for our partners to express their own grievances. In this way, we effectively shut down meaningful relationship dialogue. Trust me, you can be unhappy with something, even your partner’s conduct, and still love your partner just as much. And you can stand to hear what your partner doesn’t like, too. Sacrificing your enjoyment leaves you feeling empty and disappointed, and eventually your unmet needs can lead to you to seek enjoyment in unhealthy ways outside of the relationship. Faking enjoyment also causes the relationship to atrophy, the way astronauts lose bone mass in space without the effect of gravity. If you never express your honest displeasure, you never strengthen your relationship by learning how to accept and embrace each other’s differences.
Pretending to pay attention when you’re not isn’t nice at all; it’s actually one of the rudest things you can do to someone you love. It dismisses your partner’s needs by saying they’re only worthy of a portion of your focus.
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3. Faking engagement … to be nice. This is by far the worst of the three behaviors—pretending you’re present and engaged while you’re distracted, because you don’t want to disappoint your partner by saying, “I’m doing something else right now,” or “I can’t listen to you or take care of that until later.” We all experience competing demands for our attention, especially when kids are involved. When your partner asks for your attention, he or she doesn’t want half of it—or less—while you’re distracted by a child, a show, your anxiety, or your phone. In truth, pretending to pay attention when you’re not isn’t nice at all; it’s actually one of the rudest things you can do to someone you love. It dismisses your partner’s needs by saying they’re only worthy of a portion of your focus, and more distressingly, it also lowers the bar for your partner to do the same to you, eroding the standard of attentive communication necessary for a functional intimate relationship. It may sound harsh to say, “I can’t help you right now,” but that truth, spoken with a promise to be 100% present when you can be available, is one of the kindest and most respectful things you can do.
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The next time you’re doing one of these things to be nice to your partner, stop and think about how you’re actually hurting your partner and your relationship.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Totally guilty of number 1. I am one of those people who will let things slide because “they aren’t dealbreakers.” Maybe they were late, then they weren’t as responsive as I would like in text, or as available with their schedule, and so on until all the little things pile up. I am always afraid of being the “bitch,” or the “nag,” so I let things slide until they are major deal-breakers. However, the former is just as bad because by the time they are making me angry it is way passed the sensible time to have said something. It… Read more »
Turns out men and women are guilty of this! My attempt to be the cool, easygoing wife helped lead us to divorce. I was so concerned with keeping the peace that instead, I neglected my needs and ended up resenting him. Seems so obvious now that this was a BAD idea…
http://www.divorcedkat.com/2014/12/being-easygoing-wife-helped-destroy-my.html
This had nothing to do with being nice and everything to do with being fake. Just be yourself and let someone love you for you! The title is just an attention grabber.
Look to the movie romancing the stone. Why do women love this movie? The leading man treats the woman like any other victim to his cons. He charges her ridiculous money to get her back to civilization (because he knows he has her over a barrel), lies, steals the map from her and basically is a downright scoundrel to her. The issue is the leading man holds himself in a high regard and doesn’t give out respect to others to “be nice”. The secret is that when you hold yourself in high regards others will too, but especially women. A… Read more »
“You never have to do that unpleasant thing called complaining, or risk hurting your partner’s feelings. But what about your feelings? Doesn’t your enjoyment matter? And what if your partner truly wants to please you, and you’re denying him or her that chance?” What about my feelings, if my partner constantly shuts me down? Even if I don’t request anything more than getting back just a little bit of what I’m already giving her in heaps? What if she really doesn’t want to, or really thinks that I should be more than pleased and content with what we’re already doing?… Read more »
Go MGTOW. It’s a lot less stress and drama. And you don’t have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. A married friend of mine told me, “When something goes wrong, even if it isn’t your fault it IS your fault. Just take the blame and move on.”
“Don’t say anything mean, insulting, or violent…” I was trying so hard to be the perfect hostess….and someone took advantage of that….I tried hard to pretend that I did not hear insulting words while catering to some toxic friends, one of whom was in her last month of pregnancy….after a while, I just could not take any more abuse…I felt like I was made into their convenient punching bag, which they hit with spiteful remarks, while they were going through the stresses of marriage and impending parenthood….I knew the anger directed at me was really aimed at the other partner… Read more »
Leia, Good manners don’t call for us to take a slap or a punch, and we gain nothing but pain from absorbing abuse. And by allowing it, we make it acceptable in the relationship. Eventually, we find our courage and embrace it.
Wow. Guilty as charged.
I have definitely been the “too nice” guy, sublimating my own needs to try to “make” things work. Being “nice” as you’ve described above in the three examples hasn’t worked out so well.
I guess what I have to do is realize that if I have to be so “nice” that I give up on things that are important to me, I’m dooming the relationship to failure.
Thanks for putting it so concisely.
Leo, I’m glad this resonated for you. Being nice to yourself and giving your own needs and preferences the priority they deserve will make for a healthier relationship.