The most exciting date of my life was when she asked me out instead of the other way around.
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As a happily married 44-year old man, I often listen with interest when my 20-something colleagues discuss their dating woes in the world of the single American. The dating landscape has changed enormously since my single days of the 1980s and 1990s and there’s much I don’t recognize. Most seem to have experienced online dating services, which no longer carry the stigma of their predecessor, the proverbial ad in the newspaper.
When I was single, reviewing profiles of potential romantic interests was seen as desperate and in any case, the Internet did not exist. We wrote letters and called our friends on our landlines. The only person I knew who owned a cellphone was Agent Mulder on The X-Files.
To help us meet women, there were no Facebook pages to peruse for biographical data or common interests to use as conversation starters. One could make inquiries through mutual friends or, just as often, jump in blind based on fleeting and instinctive clues that the attractive blond across the room might be a good match. Success belonged to the bold and sometimes the masochistic.
Some things haven’t changed, however. Which gender is generally expected to initiate a relationship remains immune to the pressures of technology. Even in the world of online dating services, men are 40% more likely to email a woman on a given website and view three times as many profiles as women, according to data compiled by the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest. Online or off, it’s still unusual for a woman to ask a man out to dinner.
Online or off, it’s still unusual for a woman to ask a man out to dinner.
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I never questioned this assumption myself until one evening in the early 1990s when I returned home from my job at a local university library. The phone rang and a female voice, one vaguely familiar to me, asked to speak to me. It was a distinctive voice and I recognized it as a young woman I’d helped check out a book or two. She was a beautiful brunette, but I’d never had a full conversation with her and I didn’t know her name. And she wanted to know if I’d like to go out to dinner with her.
My first impression was mild alarm. She had seen my name on my desk nameplate and called every listing for the name “Shea” in my town until she found my house. She eventually reached my sister across town, who gave her my number. I felt a cascade of genuine flattery coupled with fears of waking up the next day in a roadside motel with my kidneys removed. Women just didn’t ask men out. Something just wasn’t… normal about it.
She held her own assumptions as well, beginning her invitation by assuring me that I shouldn’t assume I was “getting lucky.” In other words, she assumed that I might interpret her request as an invitation to easy sex. And on that basis of mutual understanding, we went out for dinner.
She arrived at my house to pick me up and drove me to a good restaurant on the water. She paid for dinner and we spent several hours of pleasant conversation getting to know one another. She was fun and intelligent.
As the evening progressed, I experienced a feeling previously unknown to me on a date: I was relaxed. Sitting in the passenger seat of her comfortable car, I realized that the onus of failure, at long last, was not on my shoulders. The stress of hoping she would like my choice of restaurant, of wondering if I had dressed appropriately, of worrying about being a disappointment, were traditionally the burdens of the initiator. And I had to admit it; I enjoyed the respite from my normal pressures and could simply focus on our conversation, not worrying about occasional pauses or misunderstood jokes. If this is what women experienced when being pursued by a man, it didn’t seem bad at all. I could get used to it.
I was relaxed. … I realized that the onus of failure, at long last, was not on my shoulders.
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Being the only male in my family while growing up, I was of course aware of the stress endured by young, single women on the dating scene; the hope that a particular man might ask her out or, just as often, the hope that he would not. Both sides of the dinner table subject their esteem and emotions to unforgiving possibilities.
But I’d never played the role historically reserved for females. The normally understood benefits, the worries, the assumptions, all drifted away, leaving me to judge my situation–and my date–solely on their own merits and without the old template of gender roles I’d never really questioned.
I knew very early in the evening that my brunette dinner companion would not remain interested for long. Her personality, interests, and priorities were the opposite of everything I was. She relished the deafening rush of nightclubs and cocktails, falling into bed as the sun rose. I get inebriated from half a shot of Nyquil and prefer quieter pursuits. She knew none of this, of course. She had jumped in blind, as we men are typically expected to. She had taken a chance and I was flattered that she had.
It only became a matter of time before she discovered our incompatibility. The next morning at my favorite diner, my friends offered wagers as to how many dates would be required before she started avoiding me at the library. Or, as one of my closer friends described it, “how long it would take for her to figure out you’re a bore.” Most bets were placed at two more dates, but it took only one. I won five bucks.
The algorithms in Match.com or eHarmony would have warned me ahead of time to forgo my evening with the mysterious brunette. And if their digital profiles had even existed then, I likely would have deferred to their judgment. After all, their analysis was sound.
But in the end, I’m glad I had no such data available.
Next month, I will celebrate 12 years of marriage to a woman I spotted across a room. For most of my life, I leaned towards risk aversion where women were concerned. I had little to go on, but a girl I barely knew had once taught me that jumping in blind is not as fraught with peril as our defense mechanisms tell us. Your assumptions are not infallible.
I don’t know if that brunette regretted calling up a man she barely knew for a date. I hope not. I hope she learned not all men interpret initiative as invitation and that whether we admit it or not, our self-esteem seeks reinforcement as surely as a woman’s. And, I hope that the next man she asked out turned out to be exactly what she was looking for. He may be surprised at the reversal of gender roles and the flawed assumptions behind them, but taking a chance on it guarantees he’ll learn something, even if his hopeful relationship goes nowhere.
♦◊♦
Had an algorithm matched me with my wife, I would have arrived at the restaurant full of anticipation and hopeful that the computer had chosen well. But in those days when we had only our instincts and a desire to overcome our fears, discovering that we had chosen well was all the richer.
Men are still expected to take the initiative in matters of romance. But if a young woman ever asked me what I’d think of her asking out some man she was admiring from across a room, I’d say go for it. He may not be her future husband. In fact, computers would conclude he probably won’t be.
But if she’s willing to log off and suspend the ancient law that discourages such initiative in a woman, it will be an exciting and worthwhile trip to nowhere.
Photo—ImagePros/Flickr
I’m fairly young, and I can say that I have never been asked out on a date; I have never had a woman offer to pay or split the bill either. The initiative has always been on me to make any move, and I — like many other of the “Nice Guys” that go so ripped to shred on the web — are hesitant to be assertive lest we violate a woman’s boundaries because that’s something we are told never to do. I’ll give a perfect example that happened just last night. I was at a FedEx store shipping a… Read more »
Yeah I hear ya Collin. As a fellow “nice guy” who dated back in the 2000’s I was always the instigator or NOTHING happened. Which of course led to many a regretted meeting like the one you described. Honestly things only improved when I started acting more on impulse and less on the “nice guy.” See, mother always taught you how to treat a lady, but she didn’t always teach you how to attract/meet said lady it was always assumed. I’ve found that being a bit more open with what your interest allowed women to react and approach you better.… Read more »
“And my female friends all agree that they won’t ask men out because… they don’t have to!” Is that to say that men are always asking them out? They always have dates? Boyfriends? How often do they get asked out? Do they online date or is this in “real” life? I know so many girls that don’t get asked out at all. I think you are greatly undermining the many other reasons women may not ask men out. Reasons found in my own comments. I personally don’t have guys asking me out all day long. Perhaps the conclusion I should… Read more »
Always as in every day? No. Do they get chatted up and asked out regularly? Yes. In real life. I know there are other reasons, mainly not wanting to feel the sting of rejection. I never suggested that they did have guys asking them out all day long. With that said, it is the reality for the vast vast vast majority of women that they can be entirely passive and still find boyfriends and get dates. The same is not true for men. It seems to me you’re reading words in my text that simply were not written. In terms… Read more »
You are discounting the experiences of alot of women.
And I don’t think my assertion is incorrect. Too often, men focus on the experience of the women they deemed worthy enough to focus on. stereotypically attractive women. Which is why you can get away making commens about how women can be passive and still get a boyfriend. But it’s not a true reflection of the experiences of many women.
I think it’s great for men to be open to a woman asking them out and to say “Hey, it’s okay to ask a guy out if you want to.” There is nothing wrong with that. But the negative and nasty comments about how women don’t ask men out becaue they are basically selfish isn’t fair. For one thing, women are heavily socalized to approach dating in one way from an early age. We are given all kinds of advice about what we should do or shouldn’t do. It’s not really that much different from what men experience. How about… Read more »
I agree, Erin, and you raise very valid points. It would be interesting if GMP did an informal poll of female readers and asked them what the main reasons are that they don’t ask more men out. I suspect your insights would prove true. Otherwise, we’re attempting to psychoanalyze the motivations of an entire gender, which is isn’t going to give us good answers.
Thanks Brian! I think that’s a wonderful idea. I can only say for myself that I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to ask men out. From an early age it was always about how the man should ask you out to be considered a “real” woman. If you were worth and pretty enough, a man would ask you out. If you weren’t, then he wouldn’t. That’s the message a lot of women receive. You are also not suppose to be the “aggressor” and if a man really liked you, he would infact ask you out. Clearly there is way… Read more »
Good points, Erin. I should also add that part of my reaction to being asked out–perhaps a point I should have made in the article–was partly because I barely knew this girl. If she’d been someone I’d hung out with for a while, maybe my reaction would have been different once she initiated–though I’d still be surprised, I think. In this case, she was a complete stranger, which probably amplified the assumptions on both sides. At the same time, I think we’d generally view a man who asks a woman out in this way differently than when it’s a woman.… Read more »
We men get taught how to ask women out? I must have missed those lessons when I was young. There’s a certain tendency, I think, but I have been asked out more than I have done the asking. Some of those doing the asking were men, but not all of them. The last of them was my wife, eleven years ago. Personally, I agree with you. I’ve never dated a woman who expected me to pay her way, whether I asked or she did. My first fumbling attempts at dating, over a decade and a half ago now, did involve… Read more »
I don’t think men are taught how to ask women out, they are largely taught, here in America at least, that they should be the ones to ask women out.
We are not taught HOW to ask women out, because who would be an authority?
You father will teach you how to ask women out 30 years ago.
Your friends are as clueless as you are.
Those that have natural talents have no interest in teaching the competition.
Your female friends will often give you advice from magazines that sounds good but does not work.
PUA are charlatans, and anyway their methods only work if you are completely unscrupulous.
If you go and ask on the internet, your soul is lost forever.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I would argue that in order for more women to ask a man out, what we need to build is a safe place for them to do so. In my experience, a woman who asks a man out is labeled as an ‘easy’ woman, a slut, ‘uppity’ woman, etc. These labels are assigned by both men *and* woman, and are horrible, sex-negative labels which only encourage the abuse of women. ‘Easy’ woman are targeted by our less-then-ethical brethren. If you doubt my words, then think of your sister or cousin or another… Read more »
I think you raise a critical point, Giggs, and you’re right. Regardless of who took the initiative, women not only have to worry about their reputation but even their safety when out with a man. It shows you how little we’ve evolved, frankly. I am sometimes glad I don’t have a daughter because I’d be a paranoid lunatic every time she left the house. There is much work to be done.
Who Is doing this name calling? You say men and women but who are they? Anyway men are not without fear of name callubg themselves. Creep/pervert come to mind real fast. There is also the rest of being treated as dangeras just for expressing interest.
Women don’t ask men out because, among other reasons, they don’t want to pay for dates.
Please prove me wrong.
Your comment made me smile. When I asked my husband out on our first date, he was but a humble soldier so I paid for dinner, drinks and a hotel afterwards 😉 Six years and a son later, I let him pay now.
I believe there are a segment of the female population who would not ask a man out because they don’t want to pay. Its a shame, but don’t let that that taint us all 🙂
The first time and woman asked me out I said yes.
We’ve been together for 16 years. She’s still ahead of her time.
Wow. Are men still talking about this.Women can run for President but won’t take the risk of asking a man out.Priceless. No wonder so many men are just opting out of relationships alltogether. One can have only so much patience.
A) What does the ability for women to be President have to do with dating? B) Have we actually ever had a female President? It seems to me that any time a female is in the political spot light, she is often somewhat made fun of or talked about for her looks. C) If you want to opt out of relationships all together, that is on you. Dating isn’t easier for women while it’s some big old hardship for men. We all have our personal hardships and there are certainly things men do that don’t make it easy for women.… Read more »
Og, I wanted to add something else to the discussion. In another conversation you said that non-verbal communication was very important. So my question for you is do you give non-verbal communication to women you’d like to ask you out? Sometimes when I see a guy I want to talk to, I look for non-verbal signs that he may want to talk to me. Sometimes I don’t think there are any signs of this. Men usually aren’t about subtle signals. however, if men want to be asked out, perhaps they also need to learn how to give better non-verbal signs.
This is so true. I think if women approached dating in the same way they approached job searching, they’d have much more success and control over dating scenarios. Waiting until asked only limit’s her options. I think it’s time to see this ritual for what it is. This obsession with being swept off her feet like a Princess is sexist, for both women and men. I’ve never met a man who qualified as a Prince, nor have I met a woman who qualified as a Princess. Let’s abandon fairy tales and see that this strategy is merely an archaic way… Read more »