As a straight white guy, I know who’s secretly bigoted. Because they tell me.
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A few years ago, my wife and I had dinner and drinks with a mutual friend and her new boyfriend, who we were meeting for the first time. We were living in Brooklyn, and met our friends, who resided in New Jersey, in Manhattan. The new beau was a straight white guy, like myself. He was likable enough, and we were having a good time.
That was, until, a few drinks into the nightcap, when the alcohol apparently burned a hole in the filter between the new boyfriend’s brain and mouth.
“So Chris,” he asked me confidently, while our significant others were engrossed in a side conversation, “what do you think about gay marriage?”
I paused, puzzled by the abrupt change in topic. I’m pretty sure we’d been talking baseball just prior, and the sudden shift in subject matter left me taken aback. I was momentarily speechless.
The boyfriend took that as clearance to continue, and what came next was a sort of face-to-face version of drunk dialing.
“I’m against it. I think being gay is disgusting. It’s not natural.”
Now I was really taken aback. Besides being a bigoted stance to begin with, who reveals his prejudices to someone after knowing them for a total of two hours? And to someone who lives in latte-liberal-laden Brooklyn of all places?
My wife overheard the comment and, knowing both my tolerant views on marriage equality and my penchant for alcohol-fueled debate, kicked me under the table – a warning not to pursue the matter further. We hadn’t seen our friend in a while, and didn’t want to embarrass her in front of her new bigo… uh… boyfriend. I let it slide, and we parted ways shortly thereafter.
Since that time I’ve come to recognize that, as a white, heterosexual male (WHM), I probably get to see more raw, unfiltered bigotry than most others who don’t fit those three stodgiest of demographics. Not bigotry directed toward me, of course, but rather prejudices – some subtle and perhaps unintentional, others shamefully and shockingly vivid – passed upon others, usually by fellow WHMs.
These guys would cover up their prejudices in front of anyone they believed to belong to the groups they look down on; it would come out in codewords, awkward pauses, and social shunning, like it usually does. Around me, though, they figure it’s safe to say what they really think. It’s as though I’m accidentally undercover; if there were a reality show called To Catch a Secret Bigot, the guy they’d use as bait would look just like me.
Many of these awkwardly revealing conversations are less obvious, of course. A white guy in front of me on line at the supermarket, rolling his eyes in my direction at the Hispanic woman with three children paying with food stamps. Another, snickering, trying to meet my gaze on the street in mutual mockery of a same-sex couple who just walked by holding hands.
These signals get sent because the sender believes that the other WHM in the vicinity–yours truly–will be receptive to them. Guys who are really into stereotyping like to stereotype me as agreeing with them about stereotyping, I guess.
The ever-enthralling “some idiot” story (“The other day, some idiot…”) offers additional glimpses into the hidden hang-ups of other WHMs. Often, the idiot in question is a woman (“I mean what else, right?”) whose act of stupidity is attributed, at least in part, to her womanhood rather than the plain fact that some folks simply aren’t that bright.
Occasionally, these bigotries hit close to home, because my wife is a Chinese-American. Recently, we had dinner at a prominent NYC steakhouse with her parents, sister, and sister’s husband, who is white. To recap, that’s four Chinese-Americans and two WHMs.
Our reservations were on the early side, so the downstairs main dining room was nearly empty. We were surprised, then, when the waiter led us upstairs to a secondary room. We were even more startled to see that practically everyone seated in that room was a minority. And when none of us could help but notice that every subsequent gathering ushered into the room were mostly non-white, our collective alarm turned first to sneaking suspicion and, finally, to outright disgust.
The clincher came when, upon finishing our meal and descending to the now-full downstairs dining room, the crowd was whiter than the Country Music Hall of Fame.
I remember not only being incensed at the racism itself, but surprised at the targets. I had honestly thought that, in the most diverse city in the country, a family of English-speaking Asian-Americans with two white members might be immune from this sort of blatant bias. I was disappointed and embarrassed by my naive confidence in society at large.
I also felt oddly complicit. My white brother-in-law and I had, in retrospect, acted as a sort of cover story for this obviously race-driven incident. Our whiteness had provided reasonable doubt for the glaringly guilty restaurateurs, making their bigotry if not possible than at least more palatable. Just by existing, we had given them cover.
When combined, the insights gained from witnessing these sorts of soft bigotries have made me come to appreciate, albeit with reservations, the lack of stereotypes most people probably take into their interactions with my straight, white, middle-aged male self. I have a sort of guilty gratitude for not being made to suffer for the ignorant preconceptions of others; my daily routine can be injurious enough without such added insult. My life is no breeze, but an African-American lesbian, for example, undoubtedly has to weather far rougher storms.
In bigotry’s broad spectrum of repugnance, of course, we live in a comparably fortunate time, one in which far fewer freely express prejudices. As gay marriage and biracial couples become the norm and women see continued progress in matters of health, safety and workplace equality, the language of tolerance has, thankfully, largely silenced the more vehement strains of bigotry that were commonplace just a generation ago.
In everyday society, then, bigotry has become more muted. Carefully loaded speech, seemingly innocuous innuendos, and split-second scowls have increasingly replaced outright violence and slurs. We live in the age of the cautious bigot, when unfounded biases aren’t knowingly communicated to the discriminated-against. These days, those little nuggets of disgust are more often saved for seemingly safer eyes and ears to perceive.
That’s where us white, heterosexual males come in. And based on my experience as one, I can assure you that behind closed doors, that guy who always says he’s not racist, but…? He’s definitely as racist as you always thought.
I think people like you and me, those who look like we’ve got the world on a string and who posses enormous privilege, have a duty to at least say, “I completely disagree. I think every grown adult should have the freedom to marry whatever consenting adult they fall in love with. I don’t think it’s gross at all.” I don’t fully understand why you wouldn’t, really? Sometimes I hold back with my in-laws, but they’re old and won’t ever change. But if they ask me, I am clear about my opinion and then I walk out of the room… Read more »
Aren’t you a Saint! That is sarcasm, by the way. This entire article reeks of bigotry! It sounds like this: “White, straight males are secretly bigots. I am one, who’s not bigoted by the way, and I secretly get to see this. Imagine what an African-American lesbian goes through.” Do you make generalities much?
No doubt you’ve met prejudiced people. People. Humans. Individuals. Yet you project that on to others of the same race and gender identity. You Sir, are guilty of that which you condemn. Shame on you.
Didn’t you know he is the one true Scotsman.
Conservatives have push for PC especially in speech regarding has done more damage to creating more hate and bigotry of all kinds that is infused with too much anger and refusing to answer the problems like bigotry, class warfare, etc.
I agree with oirish. The liberals push for pc, especially in speech has done far more damage to improving bigotry of all kinds for the very reason the bigotry becomes infused with anger and silently kept. Better to have it in the light and openly discussed.
Well, this is what happens when you censor and moderate away “wrongthink”, you just push it underground.
I find it much more useful to have such people advertise their prejudice loudly and clearly.
@ OirishM I don’t know that it matters. I’m half white and half Filipino, but I look white. In my late 20s, I was browsing at a comic shop with some Hispanic friends. There were no Asians there. One clerk asked the other to flip him the receipt book. The second clerk started telling him “I’m not a flip” in many different ways. I fixed him with this dead stare and told him flat out, “I am”. The place got quiet. My friends started backing to the door and I heard one tell the clerk he’d better apologize or he’ll… Read more »