Kenny Vaughan examines the process of arguments and how his principles guide him through.
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I think the most significant thing I have learned about arguing is: don’t do it! I believe arguing our way through life really ensures our own destruction and we hurt the people around us in the process.
I don’t think anyone wins an argument. In the process of proving I am right and trying to win an argument, I can lose or damage a relationship. And, sometimes I can make a fool of myself by arguing, especially if I’m wrong and if I choose to argue in a selfish and prideful way.
How and why to turn the other cheek
I remember when I first read that Jesus said if someone strikes you on one cheek, turn the other (Matthew 5:39). I seriously thought that had to be a misinterpretation. It made no sense to me whatsoever. For every bit of 10 years I tried to turn the other cheek even though every fiber of my being wanted to hit back.
If I don’t defend myself when I am right, then who will? I think every man wants to live a courageous life and I struggled to imagine what was courageous about turning the other cheek. It seemed weak to me, not courageous.
I’ve had the greatest coaches in the world, and they and my dad always taught me that when something doesn’t make sense, break it down to the simple and start digging where the truth leads you. So I figured I would try that with the concept of turning the other cheek. What I discovered was that the Bible shows Jesus always pointed back to love.
So, I knew I needed to better understand what love is. I found that there are seven things love is: patient, kind and truthful; love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.
The opposite of love is fear, which is angry, rude, envious, prideful, unforgiving, selfish, boastful and delights in evil.
I realized that my fruitfulness in life depends on me choosing to be the seven things love is, not the eight things love is not. I also found that when I was slapped on the cheek, I was most likely to become the eight things love is not. It takes greater courage than ever to remain the seven things love is when I am offended and want to argue.
After I married my wife Tammie and we had our three beautiful children, I began to understand that the fruit of my life could provide for my family, or my fruitlessness could starve all of us. So I began seeing the truth for what it is and why Jesus said what He said. The truth is that being slapped on the cheek can hurt me, but it doesn’t have to define me. Instead, it defines the one who slaps me, unless I slap back. Then it defines me and can feed fruitlessness, diminish who I am and ultimately hurt those I love most—my wife and children.
Run to the truth
But I still struggled with who would defend me if I did not defend myself. What I have found is that truth, one of the seven things love is, is worth defending; and if I defend the truth, I get defended in the process, as long as I am on the side of the truth. And, if I am not, the best thing I can do is to stop arguing and have the courage to change my mind, admit I am wrong and run to the truth at any cost.
So, now I could really care less about my cheek getting slapped. Honestly, if I see someone about to be slapped, I offer my cheek, because after taking the lick, I have an opportunity to love, to try and share the truth—not for my sake—but for others. If the truth is on my side, then my only remaining goal is to share it in a way others can receive it. If they do receive the truth, then the slap is worth it. And, if the truth is on their side and I learn I am wrong, I will trade a slap for the truth any day.
Now, if I feel I have hurt anyone’s feeling in a disagreement, I’ve learned to apologize, and then I seek to understand why the other person is offended. Normally if they are falsely offended, by the time they are finished explaining themselves, they are apologizing. If not, then I just ask questions that lead to the truth. I have one goal: to help them or me find the truth so we can both feel good sticking to it.
It’s not about you
My neighbor Smiley provides a perfect example. We live in the country, and everyone around here rides four-wheelers on the roads. My parents live right next door to us. A couple years ago, I took my daughters, Faith and Grace, for a ride on our four-wheeler to my parents’ house—about 100 feet on the road from my driveway to theirs. About 20 minutes after arriving at their house, a sheriff’s deputy showed up. The deputy seemed embarrassed, and said, “Mr. Vaughan, I had to come because I was called, but don’t worry about riding on the street out here. We all do it.” I asked who called and he said, “Smiley.”
Smiley lives across the street. Everyone calls him Smiley because he always smiles and waves when you drive by. The deputy said Smiley always reports people riding four-wheelers on the road.
At first I was so mad I wanted to tear into Smiley, but I chewed on it for the evening. The next morning before I headed to work I pulled in to Smiley’s driveway and noticed he was in the garage. I hopped out of my truck and walked to him. He looked like he was prepared for me to tear into him, but, instead, I reached out to shake his hand and then apologized for offending him. As soon as I apologized, he started talking and didn’t stop until he was apologizing for calling the sheriff’s office on me.
It turns out Smiley had been upset for the last 10 years because the land we built our homes on was the land he roamed as a kid growing up. He used to be able to ride the fields and now he couldn’t even go across the street on his four-wheeler anymore.
I told Smiley he could come ride on my property anytime he wanted to, and I would ride on the grass to Mom and Dad’s, and sometimes he might see me on the street, too. Now, we are better friends than ever. That’s just how love works, and it beats the heck out of arguing. Best of all, Smiley no longer has to believe he isn’t welcome in the field he grew up in.
What I’ve learned: an argument is not about me; it’s not about you. It’s usually way bigger than that. We don’t need to be threatened by a verbal challenge, but instead, find opportunity. Not to prove ourselves, but to share the truth in love.
I loved every part of this article. When we’re told to turn the other cheek it allows us to take a moment for empathy. Like you said, Smiley is the kind of guy everyone gets along with and his doing what he did appeared to be out of character. It was your faith that brought the element of empathy into the situation. You did exactly what God was teaching you to do.
Great article and thanks for sharing.