A few years back, my sister went to a party. It was happening at the apartment home of a guy she liked, in that like-like way. She figured he felt the same, more or less.
She went with the requisite friend in tow (rule of thumb for social survival: never show up to a house party solo).
My sister and her gal pal arrived and entered into an empty apartment, because everyone was outside in the balcony’s hot tub (in retrospect, I wonder at the building specs of this place. The hot tub’s locale seems wildly out of code).
They made their way out the sliding glass door and saw in front of them a hot tub full of guys.
My sister’s crush hadn’t even told her to bring a swimsuit.
Lots of beer cans, and high fives, and whoops accompanied the shirtless dudes splashing around the jet-stream bubbles. Besides my sis and her friend, not another female in sight.
She wondered what to do: stand and linger, dry and fully clothed, maintaining a minimum three-foot distance from the hot tub in order to avoid stray droplets? Or leave?
She left.
We’ve come to call it the “Bro-Fest Extraordinaire,” and it lives on in family legend.
Why do I bring this up?
Because I can’t stop thinking that this dude bonanza hot tub party is a perfect analogy for how Trump snuck his way into the Republican nomination.
I submit to you, in no particular order, the criminal bromances of Trump’s campaign thievery:
- Trump and Putin
There’s the mural of the two locking lips. There’s the Trumpian live-broadcast of private adoration via Twitter. There’s the reciprocated affection via Russian hacking of the DNC.
Love is in the air, and it’s a foul, wretched stench of cheap cologne and shirtless pony rides.
- Trump and Matt Drudge
The curator of the (in)famous Drudge Report came out early and often for Trump in the primary. And for those not in the know, the Drudge Report basically creates conservative news media.
Why Trump? No one knows. Matt Drudge is notoriously averse to publicity. But like so many others, he simply could not hold back expressing his Trump-crush for long.
Drudge Report = Trump Report = A+ (hand scrawled note: Please love me back, please love me back, please love me back…)
- Trump and Jerry Falwell Jr.
Oh, Jerry. How could you resist?
That gorgeous plane. That incredible theatre. That special McDonalds meal shared over joint Cokes and fries.
Trump was… so normal! Just like you and me! He ate a burger, and slurped a soda, and somewhere between that first special bite and his man-clap back pat, a sweet bud of affection bloomed.
- Trump and Rush Limbaugh
Look, folks. Rush doesn’t go for this whole bromance thing. Okay? He’s all male, 100%, red-blooded American MAN.
But Trump let Rush judge the Miss America pageant. And Trump let Rush golf at his club. And Rush like Trump.
Rush like Trump a lot now.
- Trump and Sean Hannity
Hannity dedicated his 1-hour program to Trump, every single Monday night before a primary vote.
Just today, Hannity said that if Trump loses, it will be #NeverTrump conservative to blame.
Not the candidate.
In November, if Trump is still the candidate, when he loses, please make sure you’re watching Sean Hannity.
Because that will be the ultimate Michael Jordan cry face moment. Real tears will flow.
That’s what real love does.
*Honorable mentions: Bill O’Reilly, Roger Ailes, Eric Bolling, Jesse Watters, Brian Kilmeade, Jeffrey Lord, Roger Stone, Jeff Sessions, Chris Christie,
It’s impossible to overstate the dependence of Trump’s campaign on white, male voters.
That is the only voting bloc even remotely in Trump’s column.
But if you’re tempted to join the Trump Train, please first picture it like this:
A bunch of aging dudes, puffing cigars, lathering each other up with oil, cackling about the good ‘ol days when broads didn’t give them any lip.
Not a “broad” in sight, by the way.
And then ask yourself: Is that the hot tub I really want to hop into?