Got into an argument with a friend at the pub last night. He’s confused, angry and frightened about how far the pendulum has swung regarding sexual harassment accusations. What used to be tolerated isn’t tolerated anymore; what women used to stay silent about, they’re now speaking openly about.
And he’s confused because he feels it’s impossible to know what the rules are now if what constitutes a hostile work environment is subjectively decided by each woman individually; he’s angry because he feels it’s unfair for all men to suffer because of what a small number of men do; and he’s frightened because he knows that one bad actor can lose him his job and threaten his livelihood.
To which my wife said: “So … he’s feeling exactly what every professional woman has been feeling forever?”
Let me peel back that one layer of snark to reveal the wisdom underneath; think of it like this: if everyone was a perfect actor, there would be no discomfort because there would be no harassment. But there is, and there has been for a long time. Women have been walking with that discomfort since the dawn of walking around, but that alone hasn’t done very much to compel a solution to this harassment issue. So if there’s going to be progress — and we all want that, right? — then there’s going to be a necessary degree of shared discomfort, even among the good men like my friend at the pub.
“But I want there to be progress,” I hear some of you saying, “I just don’t want to feel any discomfort.” Sorry, but … that’s called privilege, and that’s exactly the irrelevant noise it makes in times like these.
If you’re still struggling at this point — if you’re experiencing at all any confusion, anger, or fear that lasts longer than four hours — please accept some free advice:
#1 — If you find attractive women in your workplace attractive, you’re not broken. It’s what you do about those feelings that may be broken. How you feel and what you think matters, but they’re completely unimportant compared to how you actually behave and what behavior you tolerate in others.
#2 — The key to decent behavior is restraint. It’s a behavior born to the parents of respect and empathy. It is not difficult. If you’re struggling with either of those concepts, try some recent advice from comedian Peter White: don’t behave towards any of your female coworkers in any way that you wouldn’t want another guy behaving towards you in prison.
#3 — What about flirting? Is flirting dead? No, don’t be silly. Just don’t flirt with anyone anywhere where it wouldn’t be perfectly acceptable to show up completely drunk. This rules out work, church and construction sites, while ruling in bars, professional sporting events, and wedding receptions.
#4 — If you simply cannot help but evaluate most women in terms of them being a potential sex-delivery vehicle, where they are merely the day-to-day custodians of a sexual bounty that rightfully belongs either to you or another man that you’re in competition with, you may be a sexual predator. Go get some professional help.
#5 — That feeling of discomfort is understandable. In fact, as I wrote, it may be necessary. But it won’t last, and you’ll be OK. Buck up. The worm has turned, the pendulum has swung, and maybe it has swung a little past the correct midpoint. Maybe on its way past, it even chiseled away a little bit of privilege that you’ve been walking around with this whole time. Still, you’ll be OK; trust that while the moral arc of the universe is long, the scales of social justice will eventually settle in the right place.
Originally Published on Medium
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