Kristin Carmichael explains how apologies, gifts, promises, and better behavior are not the end of abuse but part of the cycle that keeps victims trapped.
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The question this TEDx Talk raises is “Can abuse feel good?”
The answer is … yes.
Part of the cycle, the part where the abuser makes up for the hurt and pain he or she has caused, can feel wonderfully soothing. Kristin Carmichael calls this dynamic enticement, the carrot used along with the stick, and points out that while the abuser’s professions of love and promises never to repeat that accompany the gifts may be genuine or manipulative, they act as a powerful tool to keep the victim bound in the relationship.
While the story she tells of Jeff and Sarah features a male abuser, Carmichael does not assign gender to abusers or victims.
A well-phrased apology can be just as dangerous as a slap to ever finding a future free of abuse.
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The true definition of abuse is anyone who would silence you, who would take your power, your self-respect, your dignity, your voice, your freedom, or your truth—no matter if they do it with their fist or with a brand new green truck.
Photo—TEDx Talks/YouTube
Wow- what a story… I left him and put all the stuff he gave me in a bag…it was sad and pathetic that he was asking for it all back…I did not care at that point…I just wanted him to be gone…and then he gave it all back to me…! I still scratch my head at how he had tried so many ways to maneuver himself into my life….
Women can also be the abuser. My mother was the abuser but yet in my relationship I was abused by a man. After my divorce I met another men who was abused. Since then I realized how much more was out there for me than my father or my new husband. I would like to see more help for men without taking away from the help for women.
Tonya, Thank you for reminding us that men get abused, too, and need more resources to help them.