Very few of us had the guidance and support of older men growing up. Whether our fathers were at home or not, few of us had the presence of a strong masculine role model that could guide us through the transitions from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to adulthood. In many cases, parenting was done by our institutions and the media. It’s a pretty frightening thought, if you give some time to it.
The interesting thing is that we continue to expect the media and our institutions to provide the guidance we didn’t get.
The role of a mentor is to insight the inner spark that you have within you. It is the interaction with someone that has walked a path that you are interested in before you, and can guide your development through the obstacles and challenges that come your way. But a mentor is not a parent. He is not your surrogate father.
In fact, it is not in the role of the father to be a mentor. In tribal societies, young men are raised among a group of men of varying ages. Children and adolescents interact with adults and elders on a regular basis. There is continuity to years and experience in the larger cycles of life. So a young person has the opportunity to meet many different men: with different interests, abilities, roles, experiences. Through these interactions a mentor can emerge in an organic way. A young man begins tutelage or apprenticeship with a mentor around a craft, for example. This relationship becomes as important as the parent relationship the young man has with his father.
The difference is that the mentor arises where the parent leaves off. Because mentors are not our fathers, we have the ability to maintain a certain level of emotional distance from them. The struggle for independence and self-determination that naturally arises with our parents is not transferrable to the mentor. This allows for mentors to cultivate the growing independence of the young man while still letting him make mistakes and develop character.
This type of relationship has to be one-on-one, face-to-face.
The key to this is that we all know we need to learn from the experience and wisdom of those that came before us. It doesn’t matter how fast the world changes, or how easily accessible information is, the wisdom of experience is essential to our growth and development. The more we assume that information, or as the saying goes, knowledge is power, the more we miss out on the great lessons we have to learn from those that came before us. Knowledge is not power. It is potential power.
The way that we grow is by putting that knowledge to work. This experience gives us wisdom. The role of a mentor is to light the fire under us, or within us, so that we can pursue the experience that will lead us to wisdom. Then the task becomes cultivating that wisdom so that it can be passed on to those that come to us for mentoring.
As we begin this new year, I invite you to start sharing whatever wisdom you have gained in your life with those younger than you. It doesn’t matter your age, religious affiliation, or career background. Think of the thing that you are most passionate about and share it with people. Talk to them about it. See what arises.
At the same time continue pursuing that thing you are most passionate about. See if you can find someone that has developed a greater level of skill in it than you, and find out if he would be willing to spend time with you teaching you about it.
We can have as many conversations and write as many articles about masculinity as we like, but nothing changes until we start having direct interactions with those that came before us and those that come after us. If these interactions are aligned through a particular interest, then encouraging one-another’s growth through that interest begins the work of healing so many of the broken aspects of ourselves and our society.
Put yourself out there. Pursue what you are passionate about. Share it with someone else. I you are fortunate you may find a mentor. If you are blessed you may be asked to become one.
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Photo: Getty Images