Children cannot give consent. The answer is always no. The act is always rape.
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*Trigger warning for discussion about rape and child rape.
Last month, a man in his twenties lured a 12-year-old girl into a public bathroom and raped her.
These are some of the reports and comments that followed.
“Police say man had sex with 12-year old girl in pharmacy restroom.” –ABC13 headline
“Kelly tells Eyewitness News the man coaxed the girl then into the women’s restroom where they had sex. ‘She was not necessarily all that unwilling, but at the age of 12, it doesn’t matter,’ said Kelly.” –ABC13 news article
“The 20-ish male did nothing more than beckon. She was willing … A child who should never have been in this situation? You mean men expressing their desire to have sex with them? Maybe her parents should have taught her how to respond, because all girls are exposed to that on a daily basis.” –Facebook comment
“I think in this case it is her fault. 12 years old is old enough to know that you do not go into the bathroom with a strange man. It is called common sense. Come on people.” –Facebook comment
Over the summer, a news story broke about former Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle’s serial rape and abuse of children.
These are direct quotes from some news articles.
“Documents released by the feds on Wednesday claim that the 37-year-old both possessed and shared child pornography—some depicting kids young enough to be in kindergarten—and traveled to pay for sex with underage girls, including encounters with teenagers in New York City hotels like the Plaza and Ritz Carlton.” –Vice
“Jared Fogle charged with paying for sex with minors, possessing child porn” –Washington Post headline
And in the case of a 20-year old babysitter who raped an 11 year old boy:
“Dad defends babysitter who had sex with his 11-year-old son” – KFOR NewsChannel4
There is something very wrong with the mindset and phrasing here. These types of headlines and comments are disturbing enough when we’re talking about adults, but children are never to blame when adults molest them. Their thoughts, words, and actions in the situation are irrelevant. If we don’t trust children to make adult decisions in other areas of their lives, why are we holding them responsible when they are violated by an adult?
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This type of language makes it clear that the following misconceptions still abound in our society.
Children are somehow responsible.
Children are taught to comply with adults from an early age, yet they are often blamed for complying when a bigger, stronger, older human being rapes them. This does not make any sense.
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The language in all of the cases mentioned above implies that these children caused or were at least partially responsible for being raped. There is never a justification for this. Rape is always exclusively the fault of the rapist.
It doesn’t matter if a child went into a bathroom with a man. It doesn’t matter if an 11-year-old boy is horny. The adults are the ones that are supposed to demonstrate that sexual contact with them would be inappropriate and a violation of their budding sexuality.
When we hold children accountable for adult actions, we are stripping them of their rights to develop healthy sexuality organically and we’re letting the real perpetrators off the hook in the process.
Males are all sexual predators.
The people who are focused on the 12-year old child in the CVS rape case are disturbed by her “behavior”. Why did she go into the bathroom with him? She should have known better.
They don’t seem at all concerned with why a man would prey upon a child. It’s as though his behavior is expected.
This is problematic for several reasons. If all men are predators, that means we can’t trust any of them. This means that children need to be on guard at all times, and if they’re not, then they should have known better. The onus is now on children to protect themselves from being victimized. Isn’t that what adults are for?
Good men are also victims in this scenario. Atrocities they would never commit have already been attributed to them. They are guilty until they are proven innocent, which they never will be as long as they are men.
With this model of thinking, nobody wins except the sexual predators escaping scrutiny.
Compliance equals consent.
Children are taught to comply with adults from an early age, yet they are often blamed for complying when a bigger, stronger, older human being rapes them. This does not make any sense.
It is every adult’s responsibility to change the way we think and speak about crimes against children.
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When children comply, they are doing what they’ve been taught to do. They are doing what many adults do when placed in confusing and scary situations with someone who appears more powerful.
This is why children cannot consent to sex with adults. It is rape. Every. Time.
Pleasure means it’s okay.
Child abuse and rape are filled with dirty little secrets. Unfortunately, victimized children are the ones who bear the burden of shame. Abusers know how to groom children. Children are sexual beings. Children can experience sexual pleasure. When someone uses this knowledge to take advantage of them, it is not the child’s fault. Ever. The absence of physical trauma and the experience of physical gratification do not negate the emotional and psychological trauma of child abuse. In fact, these cases can be more traumatic because of the cognitive dissonance that takes place for the child. This is how many abusers justify their actions. When society echoes this twisted logic, it is easier for them to do so.
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The word choice that is used to describe child rape reflects these dangerous misconceptions.
Can we please do away with the following terms forever?
Sex crimes
This is an oxymoron. Sex involves two consenting adults. If there was sex, then there was no crime. If there was a crime, then there was no sex.
Sex with a minor
An adult can never have sex with a child. This is always rape. Children cannot consent to sex with an adult, therefore it’s not “having sex” it’s rape.
Child prostitution
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, prostitution is “the act of having sex in exchange for money.” Since children cannot consent to sex with adults, they definitely can’t make a decision to use their bodies as commodities. “Child prostitution” needs to be renamed “child rape and exploitation” since that’s what it always is.
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It is every adult’s responsibility to change the way we think and speak about crimes against children.
The first step in protecting our children is to stop blaming them.
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Photo: Flickr/Ulrica Torning
100% agreed…a skunk by any other name…..the language used to describe stripping and robbing of the rights of anyone to their own bodies, but especially children who cannot defend themselves, is justified by those in power, real or perceived. Wrong! On every level! It can never be justified! It’s a leftover mindset from children being considered chattel, personal property, soulless machines to do their bidding. It’s so very pervasive, it’s sickening! Thank you for this article! On GMP is exactly where this needs to be. I want any man reading this to think how they would react if someone lured… Read more »
I don’t know where you get that men don’t hold men accountable. They would beat them them to death, hang them from trees or kill them in any number of gruesome ways if the law allowed them to. Many men consider a child rape worse than murder.
I do think there are many men who think like you Poetentiate. But it does *appear* that men can be more predatory when it comes to sex acts with minors. Sometimes there are even whole groups of men raping a girl. I have never heard of a group of women raping a boy. Plus, there is a significant amount of porn out there that plays on the ‘barely legal’ or ‘teen’ genre that caters to men and it’s grown even larger with the advent of the internet. And even more darker then that, child porn is actually a multi-billion dollar… Read more »