Raoul Wieland was asked by a young woman to write about being a feminist ally, and he wonders if he will have the courage to see it through.
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“Would you write something about being a male feminist, an anti-violence ally or social justice advocate?” she asked.
“I can do that,” I say and we part ways. A strange feeling overcomes me, her question stirring up thoughts that have been my travel companions for a while now. The lecture I had been absorbed in had temporarily laid them to rest but now, they were wide awake and were taunting me to engage them.
The trouble with being a student at University is that sometimes, unexpectedly, unwittingly you stumble into conversations, dialogues and the occasional rant that leave you with snippets of knowledge and big complex questions. Fly-like you twist and turn and attempt to wrangle with these new-found insights attempting to free yourself from too much thought and headache inspiring self-reflection but soon you find yourself snared in this web where strands connect questions to answers to more questions and you follow and give in because once you are here you might as well sample the food.
Digestion is hard, and you silently curse your desire to learn what brought you to this place. In the web you see others struggling beside you, in coffee places, classrooms, apartment lofts, gardens, beaches, lawns…and you feel less alone. Will you share the burden of knowledge with me, you ask, because it is getting harder and harder to bear.
You are a gentle soul, kind at heart and most at home being your introverted self sitting in random places to look at sunsets and yet you feel conscience stirring deep inside; knowledge without action, what is it good for? You profess to like, nay, love folk and life and yet Martin Luther King calls for love that does justice. And you learn about privilege and responsibility and you wonder whose keeper am I and who is mine?
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Feelings of incompetence abound. What can I offer, what are my tools and will my efforts be ridiculed, thwarted, turned back or criticized? Will I have the courage to see it through? What is ‘it’? I don’t know that much and everyone else knows more and that is why I remain silent and listen and yet here is brother expectation and sister responsibility urging me on and on to engage truer and deeper and more actively.
I feel unsettled then, caught between the loftiness of ideals, goals, values and a deep-rooted uncertainty and smallness. Actions don’t always match thoughts and words and sometimes you feel like a hypocrite and that hits home and yet whom does this all serve? Who benefits from your inaction? your hesitation and apathy? The status quo? and what is that? No need for social justice advocacy if it were all that rosy, eh?!
And so you look for mentors and find them most easily in books and Jean Vanier, priest and amazing human being writes that “it is only when we stand up, with all our failings and sufferings, and try to support others rather than withdraw into ourselves, that we can fully live the life of community”. To acknowledge your own imperfections in the face of all this heavy complexity and to learn to live and serve with greater humility in the face of other’s vulnerability. Hmm. Can we look to small gestures of kindness, forgiveness, courage, love and stepping up, out and forward as responses to this challenge? Is it enough? Perhaps; and remembering that you are not alone in your ‘steppings’.
Peter Parker, author and indefatigable teacher says – and I am ever grateful for this sentiment – that a heart’s greatest challenge is – upon remembering it’s Latin language origin of cor meaning courage – to hold the tensions and contradictions of everyday life creatively. The lofty ideals and the entrenched doubts; the stresses and fears and lonelinesses and urges to party like there is no tomorrow and to pursue being an astronaut while somebody dies of hunger and your own seemingly pitiful worries in the face of human plight. Can you do it all? no! and you are not supposed to. Imagine being quartered, eek! nay you cannot do it all and yet you can do something, two things, three things, multi-task, diversify, try things out, take ’em for a spin and make mistakes. Uff. Students dislike mistakes. Lowers their grades, percentages, achievings and it is all a competition or at least that is what the institutions demands, inculcates, encultures.
So this ally business, advocacy stuff or alliance building. What is there to say? Be humble. Learn to love and create out of tension, contradiction and headache. Self-reflect, hold yourself accountable, start the revolution at home, reach out, step back, step up, connect, laugh, grow and follow the strands where they may lead. Follow your passion, be what you are meant to be and live your story but do it with a sense of community. Remember community and both how fragile and powerful it can be.
A Hawaiian saying goes “Aloha is the intelligence with which we meet life” and I feel this drive in me to grow into my Aloha, my intelligence and to thus do honour to life, my life, your life, all life.
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Photo: Flickr/Joseph Francis
I’m an ally and a staunch supporter of anyone who is getting the short end of the stick in life. Today, I saw the Ai Weiwei art exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum, and it was both moving and sobering. (For those of you who don’t know, he’s a major Chinese artist and activist who has run afoul of the regime in China). But here’s the thing: I’m an ally on MY terms – not anyone else’s. And I reserve the right to step back, step away, or just call BULLSHIT whenever I think it’s warranted – and I can STILL… Read more »
I doubt it’d happen. It’d be interesting to see but I doubt you’ll see MRA and feminists together on this site these days.
In terms of allyship, I think it’s a mug’s game.
Depending on who you ask, you will find within feminism that some people think you should do one thing, and others think you should do the exact opposite.
And failure will be treated by the subset who disagree as a sign of what a privileged ass you are, who’s JUST NOT LISTENING to the oppressed.
In other words, you will always be a failure as an “ally”.
Be yourself. Do what you think is right. Damn the rest.
I was tagging along with a group of friends to an Hispanic student event. We came across another group of guys going to the same event and I suppose there was some rivalry between the groups. They were going back and forth. Like a good martial artist I scanned their group. Noting the numbers, where they’re positioned, who’s between me and them, and trying to identify the greatest threat. I see this Asian guy in their group. Our eyes lock. We give each other the look like nothing personal, but if this goes down I’m taking you out. His friends… Read more »
I’d say there are not so many articles here that meet this description – many of them are just repeating very old, tired ideas as if they were radically new ones.
@ OirishM A humbling experience for men because being an ally is not something women would even consider doing based on the articles I’ve read here. Just more evidence that feminism is a one way street. Weirdest definition of equality I’ve ever see. No wonder 80% of people claiming to be concerned about equality refuse to identify as feminist. The best line I heard (from a feminist) concerning that rebranding argument they were having a little while back was something like people aren’t rejecting us because they’re confused about what we stand for. They’re rejecting us because they know what… Read more »
Why would they consider doing it? Men have no issues according to many, so there is no struggle for them to ally with. As for allyship, most of the feminist talk on it has been of the sit down and shut up variety. Usually by the same people who think “mansplaining” is a valid concept. I’ve always found that disparity between those who want equality and those who identify as feminist curious, because it’s utterly needless. In part it is fuelled by feminist insistence that you have to be a feminist if you’re concerned about equality. Have other equality movements… Read more »
OirishM … I disagree with this statement. “Why would they consider doing it? Men have no issues according to many, so there is no struggle for them to ally with.” We do have issues, haven’t you been reading GMP? Rape culture? How many articles does GMP publish that “educate” men on the “rape culture?” We struggle with emotions, empathy and of course the infamous “patriarchy” that’s been the demise of men. All of which the feminist movement is telling us we have issues. Their platforms are based upon their own self interests. If they were truly interested in being an… Read more »
I’m saying what many think – doesn’t mean I agree with it 😉
I knew that …. And you’re right, it’s exactly what people think.
I would certainly agree that such people only seem to think men have issues inasmuch as they affect women.
As in it’s a “men’s issue” that men just can’t seem to stop being so rapey etc.
While you’re at the task of being a “feminist ally”, please write something about the FEMINIST PROTEST AGAINST WARREN FARRELL at the University of Toronto (google it on YouTube). There are a lot of good men, and an increasing number of good women too, who vehemently reject feminism as a brand and a descriptor because of what it has devolved into. Farrell is a super-responsible guy, a long time ally of equality feminism, a former chapter president of NOW, who is now being demonized by feminists (as you can see for yourself on the YouTube videos) for no reason other… Read more »