Dr. Elwood Watson doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want them and does not care what your opinion is on the matter.
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Over the past few weeks, a number of articles on childless men have appeared in several mainstream publications. The latest being a New York Times piece by Sridhar Pappu entitled “Meet The New York Bachelors Who Yearn for Something More.” The article is an account of several men who have reached early middle age and have supposedly come to the realization that their lives “are missing something.” Response to the article was immediate, intense and garnered a number of comments on the NYT blogs. I will admit that after reading the article and the considerable commentary that followed, I felt compelled to weigh in on the discussion and mix it up with others.
The comments (more than 700) varied in sentiment. There were many that adamantly made the case that these men should have settled down long ago and now they are reaping the result of their supposedly “irresponsible” behavior. Others respondents were more sympathetic and in some cases, supportive. Slightly over a third subscribed to the argument there was nothing wrong with deciding to remain a childless or even unmarried man. As someone who is a middle aged man and is childless by choice, I have heard this sort of rhetoric more than a few times. In fact, whenever the topic comes up (and it has frequently throughout my life, although less over the past few years), I can already anticipate the comments. My response to such arrogant, presumptuous and unsolicited advice is the following:
- You will be much more content once you father children. I am quite content being childless.
- I can’t imagine not wanting kids. Since the age of 20, I have known that I did not want kids.
- What do you do with your time? I have many things to do that occupy my time.
- That is such a selfish position to take. There is nothing selfish about not having children you do not want.
- Who is going to care for you when you get older? What makes you think your children are going to necessarily care for you in your elder years?
- Children Give Your Life Meaning and make you happy. Perhaps, but they can also become a source of heartache and disappointment.
- You could have produced the next Albert Einstein. I might have helped give birth to the next Ted Bundy.
- You will change your mind. At this point, given my age and disposition, I seriously doubt it.
- Why not? Why?
- You are not getting any younger. You are correct. I am getting older, more settled and content with my situation.
There are others.
Admittedly, some of my responses are somewhat brash and mildly flippant. Nonetheless, I see them as appropriate responses to the individuals who are often under the misguided belief that people who are either unmarried or childless are somehow sad aberrations, freakish oddities, deviant weirdos, and in some cases potentially suicidal. Indeed, to a considerable segment segment of society, deciding not to put a ring on it and failing to procreate is tantamount to committing treason. In short, the assumption is “what the f*ck is wrong with you?” Do I exaggerate? Perhaps, but this mindset is more common than many people are willing to acknowledge. Can you imagine the response of many parents if they were told “you would be much happier and fulfilled without children?”
They are neglectful, psychologically (in some cases, physically) abusive, financially inadequate, emotionally distant, mentally poorly equipped etc… parents.
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The reason(s) that I and millions of other men (and women) have decided to remain childless undoubtedly vary just as it does for the multitude of others who decide to pursue the spouse, children and family path. For me, it was/is simply a matter of choice. I have always been an iconoclastic individual. Rebellious in many ways. Growing up, I saw and heard too many stories of people pursuing choices whether it be marriage, children, selection of friends, jobs etc… because of family influences, societal pressure, desperation or simply because it was “the thing to do.” As a consequence many of these people found themselves stuck in unhappy, loveless, dysfunctional marriages or relationships, becoming “friends” and associates with individuals they tolerated but really were not tall that fond of, working at jobs they were miserable at and yes, in some cases, children they did not want and eventually regretted having! Witnessing such experiences made me determined that I was going to live my life on my terms and do what made me happy as long as it did not disrupt, directly affect or negatively impact on anyone else.
Let’s be candid here, there are some people who are first-rate and SPLENDID parents. Their children are the pride and joy of their lives, they would not have it any other way and their kids are lucky to have been born to them. BRAVO! On the contrary, to be blunt, there are people who are LOUSY parents and have/had no business giving birth to anyone! They are neglectful, psychologically (in some cases, physically) abusive, financially inadequate, emotionally distant, mentally poorly equipped etc… parents. You almost feel for these children. We all (or most of us) know these sort of people
When they were younger, I would tell people that I love my nieces and nephews to death, but I am glad that I do not have to raise them. Many would laugh and say “ I understand what you are saying.” Whether they did or not, the fact is that I was truthful in my response. Now, in early middle age, I can honestly say that I have not regretted my decision one bit. I have managed to inhabit a happy, fulfilled life without children being a part of it. In fact, I have mentioned to a number of people that in my almost two decades as a college professor, I have served as a parent of sorts to many students of across race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion and gender in helping prepare them for their future careers whether it be graduate or professional school, the work world etc…. In short, I have been a “father” of sorts in other ways. For all you biological parents out there, you have made your choice. We childless parents have made ours. Lets’ respect each others decision.
Photo Credit: Hernán Piñera/flickr
Bringing a child in this world you are responsible for his whole life and not God. If the child get sick or die the parents are responsible. Parents feel love for their children and they brought them to life for their own satisfaction and fulfillment without caring much about their children destiny which without doubt generally speaking for the majority of children will be filled with difficulties and finally death. How they dare to say they love they children when they know death is their destiny. Life belongs to animals that use their instincts and not to logical beings. I… Read more »
Speaking as one who is childless by choice for personal reasons, I can say that my life is rich with 5 godchildren and numerous nieces and nephews that I actually have relationships with…from infancy to adulthood. I can say my life is richer with them in it and that I also fully support them as a godfather/uncle would. Its truly the best of both worlds for me.
Glad to hear this.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D
Author of Article.
Thank you for your acknowledging the article.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of article
Childfree men are the only ones worth marrying, in my opinion! Great to see this issue taken on from the male perspective!
I have always known that I didn’t want kids. It was partly because kids terrified me, but as I got into my 20’s i decided that the greatest threat to humanity and the rest of life on Earth is overpopulation combined with overuse of resources. As I have become an ecologist overpopulation looms larger and larger, and I realise most people completely fail to understand the exponential function. My decision not to have kids has been utterly vindicated in my opinion, and although I love kids and enjoy working with them, I feel that it is better to leave a… Read more »
Your last three sentences speak volumes!
Best regards,
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Authir of article
Let me place my cards on the table. I’m the author of a just published book, “The Pater: My Father, My Judaism, My Childlessness”. As far as I know it is the only book written by a man to talk about what it feels like to be childless in Jewish civilization, but I’d like to think it can hold the interest of any man who has thought seriously about the issue. I am not a critic of people who opt not to have children — but many men who want kids can’t or haven’t had them. And it has left… Read more »
Thanks!
Elwood Watson, Ph.D
Author of article
Nice article, I enjoyed reading it and all the comments above. I was born to 2 parents that never should have had children, let alone with each other. As the psychological/physical abuse and narcissism was passed down onto them by their fucked up parents, my parents passed on the damege to us, their kids. I spent all of my life trying to avoid having children only to find out in my early 30s that I was born sterile. How awesome is that? Anyways, as a childless-childfree person in a childfree marriage, living in a child-abundant country, life is good. Cheers.
Thanks for writing this Dr. Watson – this place was entirely too much ‘settle down’ , ‘get married’, ‘become a father’ mantra. The only time it seems that not marrying a woman is ok is if you are Homosexual and you are marrying another man ?!?!!? Marriage has a poor track record. It is a bad and dangerous financial suicide with penalties all too severe from the authoritarian state. And kids, luckily they are completely, wholly and fully avoidable. I heard it all the time in my 20’s and 30’s – now that ALL of my friends (except one) are… Read more »
Glad you enjoyed the article.
Best,
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of article
You did the right thing More guys need to do this and your fortuanet to find a Doctor to perfom it
If I can add another one to the list, as a man who is childless by choice (or Child Free as wellokaythen states above), is the presumption on behalf of others that I should defer my choice to my female partner, as though her wishes gazump mine. “What if you your girlfriend wants them?” My response: She knows how I feel, has always known how I feel, she won’t and can’t plead ignorance. And sadly for many men, there are women who feel entitled to pressure a man into changing his mind or going along with what she wants. This… Read more »
If a man feels like he’s missing something, and convinced that having a child in his life will fill that void, then there are MANY ways of having that experience without having a child of one’s own. There are pediatric hospitals that need volunteers. There are foster homes and orphanages that need your help. Family Services agencies and school districts need qualified, responsible, loving people to help. I guarantee all of your friends with kids would welcome some help once in a while. If, however, “it has to be a kid of my own,” then what’s missing in your life… Read more »
Childfree is a good way to look at it.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of article