The thrill of love is like no other experience. Or is it? Answering these three questions will tell you if it’s really love—or something else—that you’re feelin’.
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Is this love – is this love – is this love –
Is this love that I’m feelin’?
I wanna know – wanna know – wanna know now!
I got to know – got to know – got to know now!
Bob Marley
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You’re high as a kite, and like the line from the Pharrell song, can’t nothing bring you down.
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One day, you’re waking up exhausted, struggling to start your engine, then suddenly, you’re flying along, floating on air. You’re fueled by a boundless source of energy, and everything, and I mean everything, is AWESOME!—the cat coughing up a hairball (hey, glad he feels better), lunch with your mother (looking forward to it), even your outrageous electric bill (let there be light!). You’re high as a kite and like the line from the Pharrell song, can’t nothing bring you down. Every bit of turbulence is cushioned by the stabilizer of elation, and nothing bad seems to affect you even remotely. Finally, you sigh. This is what it means to be happy. This is what I’ve been missing. This is what it feels like … to be in love.
Or is it … lust, crush, infatuation, the sizzle without the steak?
And how can you tell?
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If you’re looking for love’s biochemical breakdown, stop right here …. I don’t know an endorphin from a porpoise …. but I am well-versed in the language of romance.
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Neuroscientists might tell you to go get a CAT scan, and your best friend might tell you to go get your head examined. Not me. If you’re looking for love’s biochemical breakdown, stop right here. As far as I’m concerned, STEM is what supports a flower, and I don’t know an endorphin from a porpoise. I avoided science in college because the classes all met too early, but I am well-versed in the language of romance. And what I can tell you is that while all romantic relationships start with a bang, some keep right on banging along while others end with a whimper. And I can offer you these three questions to help you predict whether you’ll soon be rising to the ranks of the exalted, or hitting eject and pulling your rip cord before you crash and burn.
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When you’re in love and you stop to breathe, you should experience a deep sense of contentment—an inner peace with yourself and the world.
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1. Does it feel peaceful—or pressured? Love feels exciting and energizing. Your heart is on fire. You’re burning with desire. Your pulse quickens, and you feel so alive. Love can be fast, frenetic, and frenzied, but love should never feel pressured or anxious. When you’re in love and you stop to breathe, you should experience a deep sense of contentment—an inner peace with yourself and the world. Being around your partner should make you feel relaxed, at ease, and able to be yourself. If you’re constantly wondering when the bottom will drop out, or worried about pleasing—and if you fail to please, losing—your partner, it’s most likely not love you’re feeling but the desperate need for attachment. And this need can be so overwhelming it can cause you to attach to almost anyone—not only a person you don’t really love but also a person who doesn’t love you. True love has its own steady rhythm, like a heartbeat itself, and it contributes to, rather than disrupts, your equilibrium.
Being around your partner should make you feel like your best self, but that self must always be yours.
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2. Does it feel aligned—or at odds? The idea that opposites attract is a flawed one. Complements attract (and compliments flatter), but at the core, true lovers must share interests, beliefs, values, and perspective. If you find yourself abandoning your own center and gravitating towards your partner’s wholly different belief and value system, it’s most likely not love but a form of transference in which you’re trying to replace your undeveloped identity with your partner’s, to find yourself by becoming someone else. Being around your partner should make you feel like your best self, but that self must always be yours. Similarly, if one of you feels the need to change—or worse, control—the other, this is not love but a mix of obsession, narcissism, and possibly abuse. Naturally, partners will have differences, but if these invariably result in arguments and power struggles, it’s not love that’s calling the shots. The cornerstone of true love is respect—and this means respect for your partner’s opinions, hopes and dreams, and emotional independence.
Unrealistic expectations—and the disappointment they bring—are probably the number one cause of relationship failure, coupled with a couple’s inability to communicate about the frustration.
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3. Does it feel fantastic—or real? Contrary to the movies, the magazines, and the articles that abound on the Internet, love is not a fantasy or all your dreams come true. If you’re living in la-la land and believe that because you’ve found the perfect partner you’re finally on easy street, think again, because what you’re experiencing isn’t love but a combination of worship and delusion. You can—and should—be honest about your partner’s flaws, just as your partner should be honest about yours. Unrealistic expectations—and the disappointment they bring—are probably the number one cause of relationship failure, coupled with a couple’s inability to communicate about the frustration. If everything feels too good to be true, it just might be, and if you find yourself hesitating to be real around your partner or to let the real world—and its real imperfections—into your relationship, your castle in the air will be revealed as having no foundation. True love is solid, and it requires two difficult, often painful modes of conduct—acceptance and commitment. You might as well wrap your mind and heart around these before your wrap your hand around your partner’s fingers. It’s fine to look up at your partner with wide, adoring eyes, but it’s also crucial to be able to look ahead, to ask yourself without hesitation, in a reflective moment, what will this look like, who am I, and who are we, as a couple, going to become?
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One last bit of advice: Don’t take your relationship too seriously. Don’t try too hard to figure it all out. My mother taught me the most important lesson about love I’ve ever learned. Don’t analyze. Just enjoy. Definitely don’t answer these questions then call a meeting to discuss them with your partner—unless you want to kill your relationship. Use them as a self-test, a guide for the perplexed when you find yourself wondering. They’re not meant to be definitive. After all, who could ever have the last word on love?
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Photo—Christian Gonzalez/Flickr
Thank you for this amazing article. My recent relationship was painful due to mostly my fault. At this point I’m not sure why (I acted the way I did). Possibly “neediness” or “worship & adoration” were the driving forces instead of love, anyway, you got me thinking so now I have some hope and a possible source of control (education) cause I feel out of control. Thanks again
This is one of the most eloquent and intelligently written pieces I’ve ever read on this subject. Such insight and awarenes of this human experience.