I just turned 64 on October 13th. As I approached that milestone, my intention was to feel more vibrant and energetic. I have reached a turning point where I am feeling satisfied with my life as it is. Wonderful and loving family and friends, work that nourishes me, and a mind that still functions, most of the time, except when I have brain blips and I forget what I was going to say or who I was going to say it to. I had a ‘normal’ day, that began with time with my heart and soul nourishing grandchildren and then seeing clients. Through the marvels of modern technology and the sweetness of social media, I absorbed the beautiful, funny and heart melting messages from people I have known for decades and those I have only ‘met’ in the Facebook world and may never know in the face to face world. All lifted me aloft in a time when chaos and confusion seem to reign in the world. For a bit, I could rein it in, instead. I know I should probably take a news fast, but my desire to have some peace of mind is in conflict with my desire to stay informed. How many times can I read about the potential indictment of TFG (The Former Guy) and all those involved with the plot to overthrow the government until the game of ‘you’re getting warmer,’ is over? How often can I take in the threat of nuclear annihilation at the hands of a madman who clearly doesn’t see that the only way to win the war game is not to play? How many doom and gloom headlines can I stand about the seemingly endless variants of COVID that are lying in wait to overwhelm our immune systems? At this point, I have had all of my boosters, including the bivalent that entered my body a few days ago, with blessedly, no side effects. I had a mild case of COVID in April. How often can I watch, with a mixture of disgust and fear, sound bites from Conservative Republicans that claim that they don’t care about the integrity of their candidates, they just want any warm body from their party to occupy a decision making seat to undo all of the pro-social changes that President Biden has enacted, since it doesn’t fit their world view? Even for someone with therapeutic tools, great social supports, and strong spiritual faith, it can seem overwhelming at times. I can feel it in my body.
I had planned to get together with friends for lunch on Saturday and then to my son and daughter-in-law’s house for birthday dinner. Instead, I awoke before dawn with a need to pee and intense pain in my lower right sacral spine and psoas muscle. As I attempted to stand, my right leg collapsed under me and I hit the deck. I crawled to the bathroom and used the vanity to bring myself to a vertical position. That move brought with it the feeling of being stabbed with an ice pick. I knew I had to get to the ER but not by my typical MO which had been driving myself in the midst of an ectopic pregnancy in 1992, shingles in 2013, a heart attack in 2014, various bouts of kidney stones, COPD in the summer of 2021 when my oxygen level dropped to 85. I reasoned this time that if I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t drive. I dialed 911, tenuously limped over and opened my front door so that they EMTs could bring in the gurney. I called my son and sister to let them know what was going on. He met me at the hospital and attempted to cheer me up with his typical blend of sarcasm, worst case scenario presentation and showing me photos of my darling grandchildren on his phone. The roles have reversed. He now advises me of what I should and shouldn’t do to take better care of myself. I roll my eyes at some of the suggestions, while taking in others. My sister, who lives an hour and half away, called a few times to check on me. My cousin, who is within walking distance of the hospital, sat with me in the ER room as well, had me laughing at the family proclivity to take on more than we should and eschew scrupulous self care. Every time a health crisis arises, I tell myself that it is yet another wake up call. I think I’m awake enough. In fact, as I am typing these words, it is now 4:20 a.m. on Sunday, since the pain sent me reluctantly, into the kitchen, to take a palliative pill. I am not a big fan of narcotic medications since they render me ‘loopy’. Yesterday, I felt like the boat was being rocked and I couldn’t steady myself, except by closing my eyes and riding the waves, until the sea calmed. At the moment, I can still focus, by listening to Deep Healing Music and leaning back against an ice pack, fresh from the freezer.
The symptoms began a few weeks ago, with some tightness in the psoas muscle when I walked, using my aluminum hiking pole for support, but thought I could stretch it away. My home workouts had included using a kettle bell that I swung around. I had been carrying my infant granddaughter to help calm her crying, so I was getting a good upper body workout in. I tend to hold her on my left side, so we can be heart to heart, but that put a strain on my right side.
I believe that our physical symptoms carry with them emotional components. Noted author and speaker, Louise Hay would say that back issues relate to the need for support. A come clean: I have a difficult time relinquishing responsibility for other people. I am the go-to person for many. I willingly and sometimes, resentfully carry the baggage they unload. In part, it is an occupational hazard, since I am a psychotherapist. More often, I set boundaries and say no to what I am unwilling to tote around. This recovering co-dependent, people pleaser who practices ‘savior behavior‘, has come to recognize the perils and pitfalls of carrying others’ issues on my back.
Well meaning and supportive friends and family encourage me to let them take care of me which I sometimes resist mightily. My son drove me home, around 2 something, picked up my prescriptions of Prednisone and Percoset, and then a quick trip to Wawa for soup and a sandwich because I had not eaten since the night before. He tucked me into my recliner in the living room, made sure my food was set up on the table next to me and left with the invitation to call if I needed anything. For the next few hours, I binge watched This Is Us re-runs and found myself with new insights from my favorite show that ended in May, following a successful six season run. While that was on, for a little while, I steered clear of the news, instead, nourishing myself. Another friend suggested that I take time off next week and rest. Like that’s really going to happen. I took two calls from clients while I was in the ER yesterday, one in crisis and another who called to reschedule an appointment. I told them both that I would call back once I was home, but put the crisis caller at ease for that moment. When I got home, we spent a good amount of time working through it. I have the benefit of working from home, since ain’t no way I will drive with narcotics on board.
For far too long, I have taken a back seat to the needs of others’ and am growing a greater awareness that I need to be ‘front row, center.’ as I view my own life. I am willing to allow other people to be on my side as they have my back.
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