The Rev. Dr. Neil O’Farrell thinks Yin and Yang.
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She sat in front of me, a woman I knew—a woman I knew to be a sex worker looking for tricks on the desultory streets around the church. She held a box of tissue, half of which she’d pulled out sheet by sheet, wadding it all into a sodden mess, dampened by tears that wouldn’t stop. The conversation engaged in spurts. A few moments of talk, followed by more moments of sobs. She was pregnant.
I knew her history, and it was long, though she was relatively young. Not yet 30, she was one of the most haggard persons I’d ever seen. I also knew that she had several children, none of whose fathers could be identified among the uncountable men she had made a few dollars off of. All of her children were in foster care, one of whom was so damaged (I don’t know of a more appropriate word because euphemisms don’t cut it) because of poor prenatal care and her use of alcohol and drugs, the Department of Child Protective Services struggled to find suitable foster parents.
This is the daily reality of gritty urban ministry. Grim. This is not a world that anyone can look at without a broken heart. In one city, Washington, DC, a recent study said that 71 percent of pregnancies were unintended.
I tend to a pro-life point of view, holistically defined. (This is an important distinction, and a product of Roman Catholic social policy in macro terms.) Hebrew scripture teaches that we should “choose life.” I would like pregnancies not to be terminated. I also want that there be excellent prenatal care, and that the social safety net for children such as hers, along with mothers and all fragile peoples, be made out of steel cords. I don’t believe in capital punishment, and I’m a pacifist. The government should feel a keen responsibility to protect and foster good life among those who need that safety net. All of this falls under that ancient command to “choose life.”
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I also know that urban ministry does not allow one to be doctrinaire. So I end up doing a lot of abortion counseling, and I have a list of appropriate referral agencies.
One more point on my list of beliefs: I don’t think men have any right to determine a woman’s reproductive freedom. When pregnant women come to me, I pick my words very carefully. If at all possible, I am not the person who brings up the subject of pregnancy termination. I don’t have any agency to make this decision. Only a woman does. I don’t have much room for unsolicited advice or errant observations.
She wants to have the baby. That, too, was no surprise to me. I wondered if another pregnancy was her way of being able to stay away from the streets for several weeks. An obviously pregnant woman is not a marketable sex object.
Pregnancy is hard on women. It was easy for me to see the effects of her previous pregnancies on her. On an earlier occasion, I had begged parishioners for money for emergency dental care for her, because her body robbed her calcium to build the fetus’s bones. A pretty smile was no longer hers.
A dozen thoughts raced through my mind as I sat listening to her sobs while she took more tissue from the box. Primary were, who would take care of the child, and how healthy a baby would be when it came from her womb? These are not incidental questions; they are fundamental.
“I can’t take care of my babies. I don’t know how. I can’t give them what they need.”
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“I can’t have this baby,” she blurted out among the sobs. “I have five babies, and I can’t take care of any of them!” I asked her what changes she might undertake to be a mother to those children. “I can’t take care of my babies. I don’t know how. I can’t give them what they need.” All that said, punctuated by sobs.
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Pause to think about that for a moment. Most of us take parenting skills largely for granted. The Good Men Project is full of stories on how to be a better parent or how to deal with a particular parenting challenge. I haven’t seen much about parents who don’t know the first thing about parenting. Yet, I see frequently people who never had the chance to have an example of Parenting 101. Their family is so intergenerationally dysfunctional, there are no role models of good parenting.
Then think about her other statement, “I can’t give them what they need.” In our society, what healthy children need must meet a certain threshold of resources. Love and good intentions are not enough. Supposedly we have a social safety net. We don’t. We’ve shortchanged it for years. Politics and the invisibility of the impoverished are the primary culprits. Children need what a lot of people can’t provide, even though they have parents.
She and I had finally come to the decision point of her conversation with me. I hadn’t brought it up. But she knew that being pregnant wasn’t good for her or her unborn child. So I asked her. “Are you ready to have another baby? Do you know if this baby will be born healthy?” Her crying intensified, and she shook her head, deep regret on her face.
I can have a pro-life leaning as a person and minister, but I can also drive a pregnant woman to an abortion clinic in good conscience.
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You need someone more expert than I am, I told her. She was ready to have “the talk.” It would not be with me, not because of my pro-life inclinations, but because she needed to talk with someone who had professional credentials that I do not. What I could do is to tell her that God would be with her before and after, whatever happened. I called and made an appointment right there. I said that I would take her if she showed up at my office at an appointed time. That is when I saw her next. She was sad but much less fraught about her situation.
I despise the pro-choice/pro-life dichotomy. They are yin and yang of the same thing. People who identify as pro-choice are not against life. People who are pro-choice—most of them realize there are times when terminating a pregnancy are the best choice, no matter how imperfect a choice that is. We—most of us—live on a pro-life/pro-choice continuum. We’re sophisticated enough to know that there isn’t just one answer for all situations. I can have a pro-life leaning as a person and minister, but I can also drive a pregnant woman to an abortion clinic in good conscience.
I don’t live in an idealized, perfect world. Neither does anyone else I know. Certainly not the persons in the neighborhood around the church.
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photo by Katie Tegtmeyer / flickr
I found your acceptable of certain situations in which sometimes an abortion might be the better idea quite interesting. I see you as pro-choice but would only use abortion as the last resort, to be honest. Pro-life has no option or leeway compared to pro-choice which discusses the topic and considers all options which I much prefer
Dear Tom, thanks for your comments, and they really go to a crux of this issue. I surely don’t think that a fetus is just a clump of cells. Knowing anything about genetics teaches you that. The woman I describe in the story is not merely living the experience of terminating a pregnancy, but a very long, hard, troubled life. Remember, she already had five children, and being a member of a family of six children, I wouldn’t trade any one of my brothers and sisters for the world. I was there for her afterwards as well, and have been… Read more »
Pro-life, although very empathetic to the women, is about the life of the unborn. Whereas prochoice view is primarily focused on the women, prolife is focused on the unborn as well as the needs of the mother and provides many services to assist the mother during and after delivery. I personally struggle with the so called pro-lifer who is accepting of abortion. What also needs to be understood is that a pro-lifer doesn’t judge women who have had abortions (at least the pro-lifers I’ve encountered through the years) but instead offer compassion. Obviously there are exceptions but I would say… Read more »
This is a good article, and I think it will help people evaluate their own feelings on the subject. However, isn’t it a bit contradictory to say you are pro-life, when living up to the idea of pro-choice? Pro-life is about making it illegal for anybody to have an abortion, for any reason. Pro-choice is about giving the freedom to choose for the pregnant person. It is a misconception that pro-choice is about pro-abortion, as if every unwanted pregnancy, or even a pregnancy that is a risk to the mother’s health, is supposed to be terminated. Many pro-choice people do… Read more »
Dear Leo, you’re right that the language has become so freighted that part of the issue is the language itself. All your points are very helpful. I don’t want us to get hamstrung by language, but respond to the lived experience, which isn’t very tidy oftentimes. Thanks for you comments. I want to think about them some more. I think that what I’m most uncomfortable with is human suffering, and that suffering is intensified by what happens when boxes become prisons, metaphorically speaking. Boxes don’t reflect the fluidity of life and this particular issue. Thanks, Neil
Neil, I’m moved by your sensitivity and compassion. This is really thinking and speaking from the heart.
I’m amazed and inspired.
If there’s one teaching that Jesus gave us, it’s in your attitude and words. Don’t judge; love your neighbor.
Kudos.
Dear Valter, we’re all working to build a better world together. We all get halos. Thanks for the kind words.