It is time we pointed out the obvious and stopped blaming women for being sexually harassed.
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Hey guys, I have a request. It isn’t that complicated, but it’s important.
Stop sexually harassing women.
Seriously. Stop. It’s embarrassing for the rest of us, completely unacceptable and incredibly offensive.
This week, state representatives in Missouri suggested including a dress code specifically for interns in their recommendations on improving the internship experience at the Capitol. Internships at the Capitol are getting a lot of attention lately because within the last six months, two representatives, including the former Speaker of the House, have stepped down due to issues with sexually harassing female interns.
So obviously, one important solution to prevent sexual harassment is to make sure interns don’t show too much skin…after all, even if a woman is twenty years younger, she can’t expect men to treat her with respect at her job if she isn’t dressed in a paper bag. This is blatant victim blaming and is embarrassing behavior for any adult.
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She can’t expect men to treat her with respect at her job if she isn’t dressed in a paper bag.
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The money quote; from one state representative’s email: “We need a good, modest, conservative dress code for both the males and females, removing one more distraction will help everyone keep their focus on legislative matters.”
Wait…so you can’t stay focused on your job because you are worried about what a college age intern is wearing? You are in the wrong job buddy.
The response to this story on Twitter has been amazing to me. I’ve heard from several female friends how harassment is a regular and ongoing issue they face. This state Capitol stuff is an example of what is everywhere. It is apparently, just part of the everyday work environment. And the women I talked to work in a wide variety of professions.
Even more stunning to me than the specific stories was the lack of surprise from other women. The stories included:
-asked to wear pants to a meeting that was all men
-banned from visiting a client’s office because she is a “distraction” to the male employees.
-told they could never have a specific job because they were “too pretty”
The only way this changes is if men refuse to accept this as normal, step up to point it out and shut it down.
Sadly, the response in far too many of these situations is to blame the victim. Whether it happens in the workplace, walking down the street, at the gym or even worse, leads to a sexual abuse investigation. Far too often the questions are turned to the victim. Did she provoke this? How many people has she slept with? What was she wearing? How much did she have to drink?
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Sadly, the response in far too many of these situations is to blame the victim.
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Here’s the fact though: none of those things matter.
I’m dumbfounded that in 2015 we have to point this stuff out.
The way a woman dresses doesn’t authorize you to comment, touch, degrade, suggest…anything.
The sexual experience a woman has with another person doesn’t authorize you to assume you’re next.
If you choose (emphasis on the fact it is your choice) to sexually harass someone then it is 100% your fault.
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Recently, I had the privilege of participating in a panel discussion at a conference focused on empowering young women. The panel was titled, “Advice to young women from a father’s perspective”. The conversation covered several topics and ranged from setting and achieving goals to how to identify potential mentors.
But the most important message was very clear. Be careful and protect how you carry yourself. Some behaviors can lead to men getting the wrong impression. However…and this is key, no matter the perception, inappropriate comments, contact or messages are not earned or deserved. No woman is inviting this treatment. She wasn’t asking for it. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t force you and, for damn sure, the way she dresses doesn’t justify it.
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Photo Credit: flickr.com/randombydefinition
There’s a related issue I’m surprised no one has mentioned. An intern working for you is a reflection of your company or institution. If I’m in charge of my office, and public relations is crucial to my office, then I have some right to have guidelines about what my employees or volunteers wear. Within reason, of course.
“Within reason” Defined as? I’m assuming you mean with accepted social convention. OK, I can agree with that. The problem that I have with that is established social convention creates an unequal dress code for men and women. In other words, I’ve seen no company dress codes that haven’t 1. Offered women more choices in attire than men and 2. placed more dress code requirements on men (ie ties, socks, etc.). I would expect my representative to treat all persons equally under the law. I would expect thews to be reflected especially in the laws they are solely or mostly… Read more »
@ wellokaythen Of course the simple answer to both our concerns would be to mandate the intersection of socially accepted dress standards for both men and women. If skirts are not socially acceptable dress for a man and pants are socially acceptable for both men and women, then the company should mandate pants for all employees and ban skirts for all employees. If an exception is made for one gender, then an equal exception must be made for the other. For example if we ban long hair for men (something that I’ve seen) then shouldn’t we ban facial hair for… Read more »
Obviously, clothing is not the main issue. I say “obviously” because a lot of harassment happens over e-mail or text message. Women can be sexually harassed by men who can’t even see what the women are currently wearing. Make women dress conservatively without addressing the real issue, and you’ll just have women harassed for dressing too conservatively. They’ll get pointed comments about how uptight they are and how they would look better showing more skin. If my legislator cannot think straight because he sees an exposed calf, then he should not be my legislator. I don’t want to be represented… Read more »
Thank you!! You are, unlike many others here, in your right mind, a refreshing comment after all these other atrocious savage comments I’ve seen here.
Meh, with as many sexual harrassment claims I have read about regarding men in the workplace I am a little more peeved that nothing was said about men. You know, for the sake of balance if nothing else. But hey this is the good men project, why mention issues men experience along side women even if it is to a “lesser” degree.
Two things are a given, or should be. One, harrassment in any form, sexual, racial or otherwise is bad and should be penalised appropriately. Two, it should not take a particularly cerebral sort to figure out, particularly in a corporate environment what is an appropriate dress code and what isnt and then stick to it. In amongst all this is, visible in the article itself and some of the responses is the most blatant man hating virtue signalling. I’m beginning to think that some of you will not be happy until every man on the planet has to dress in… Read more »
Steve – I appreciate the first paragraph of your comment. The motivation and reason behind the post to begin with is that those two things are lost entirely on a huge number of people. While it should be common sense and decent, it is not.
Nothing about the post is manhating. After all, I’m a man. There is a way to handle interactions with women in a respectful way. Unfortunately it happens the wrong way far too often.
“Nothing about the post is manhating. After all, I’m a man.” Not to get to far afield here Patrick, but there’s some essentialist & dubious logic there. To imply that a person can’t, by default, hate themselves (or an arbitrary characteristic or trait which they may or may not consider fundamental to their identity) is mendacious. I believe you when you say this post is non-manhating. I believe you when you say that you yourself are a man who does not hate himself or his own gender. But I think it’s ridiculous or irrelevant to imply that a prime… Read more »
TLDR: If you are truly objective Patrick, then the matter of your own specific gender is, of course, irrelevant; and citing it as metric of objectivity or credibility is gratuitous.
Guys-
The post isn’t about a dress code. It is the idea that implementing a dress code is what is necessary to prevent sexual harassment. Which, if you believe that is what needs to change, you are placing blame on the victims of harassment.
Also, every comment is from the assumption that all women being harassed are wearing something already too revealing. In the specific case of the state Capitol there was already a dress code for everyone, that the interns followed. So they were in business suits when being harassed.
Your comments are proving my point.
I think you’re wrong. Consider this. A man comes to work in a dress. How many women, how many people simply just go about their business? How many people pause during their work? If you say, certainly a person would pause during their work then you’re agreeing that the way a person can dress could be distracting. If it’s a continuous distraction that’s the problem then I wonder how many women would not be continuously distracted by a guy in a mini skirt. What if he sat with his legs open? Oh wait he’s sexually harassing her because she’s staring… Read more »
John, This isn’t a defense of dressing provocatively. I’m all for a dress code that keeps things professional. In all the cases I described above a dress code was in place and being followed, including the interns at the state capitol. You make the statement above that men may hit on a woman and if it isn’t returned, they let it go. Sure, this happens, and it would be great if everyone acted like adults. But it isn’t the case. Unwanted and more intense advances are made all over the place all the time and it is unacceptable. When it… Read more »
@ Patrick maybe they were following the dress code, but the dress code )I believe) is unequal. Why? If a man in a mini-skirt or any length skirt for that matter and makes a woman uncomfortable, I’m certain people especially liberal / progressives wouldn’t be taking the man’s side. We would be saying that he should have the common decency not to make her feel uncomfortable with the way he dressed. I think there is an assumption that whenever a woman is asked to cover up it’s and should be the man’s problem. If men are uncomfortable seeing a woman’s… Read more »
then why did you bring up the dress code? is there any actual proof that the dress code is meant to curb harrassment or is this an assumption that you and others are making?
8ball – I brought up the dress code as a recent example of how we often blame the people being harassed for it happening. The reaction to a number of sexual harassment cases is to say policies need to change the behavior of interns…instead of saying grown men need to stop harassing young women.
The same sort of victim blaming happens often in cases of sexual assault.
@ Patrick I think the issue is this. There’s an injustice done to a woman. I think everyone can agree on that and I think that everyone has. This injustice has resulted in a just, but shouldn’t be conflated decision to equalize the dress codes of men and women. The decision to ban certain clothing choices for women is insufficient (agreed), but not wrong and I’m unsure if we agree on that. I think that’s where some of the push back is coming from. Looking at the article and your comments, it appears that you have no issue with unequal… Read more »
it literally says in the quote that YOU PROVIDED that the dress code is for both men and women.
And I can almost guarantee you, sight unseen, that women will still have more options than men do.
For Joe: Hey Joe, any anthropologist will tell you that you are not a savage, despite your current state of feebleness, you are in fact capable of controlling your mind, speech, and actions. Your decision to write this comment is resulting in my indignant reply, this event is called cause and effect. Cause and effect is the same event that might take place if you vocalize your comment to any self-respecting female and she punches you in the face. If you are having difficulty understanding this, allow me to explain. No man, ever, under any circumstance, should assume or take… Read more »
@Reality Check: Hey Joe, any anthropologist will tell you that you are not a savage, despite your current state of feebleness, you are in fact capable of controlling your mind, speech, and actions >>> Hey Reality Check – anyone with a decent command of the English language will tell you that you clearly have a reading comprehension problem here, and did NOT respond to what I wrote, but merely your own imaginings. I was responding – appropriately – to this comment by the blogger: “Wait…so you can’t stay focused on your job because you are worried about what a college… Read more »
” No man, ever, under any circumstance, should assume or take action in making advances towards a woman based on the way she is dressed, behaving or glancing.” I am certain there are millions of women who are dating and married to men with whom they CRAVE his advances if he could only be more present, more aware and more tuned in to her subtle cues. I know dozens of highly evolved, powerful and feminine women who talk constantly about the lack of male initiative and awareness to initiate sexual polarity without having his hand held or being given permission.… Read more »
I don’t have a problem with a conservative dress code. I think it’s a pretty good idea. I’m not sure how much of a difference it would make since I’m not sure that sexual harassment is solely about sex. Still some of the complaints are down right silly. Being asked to wear pants is sexual harassment, really? When men have the same dress code choices as women, I’ll take you seriously.
The outrage had nothing to do with a dress code, it has everything to do with how our governing representatives are choosing to deal with such a big and real problem. Sexual harassment is a serious issue, what on earth makes anyone think it’s okay to bandaid it by making the victim abide by special rules to not draw attention. That’s called “stupid” and “corrupt”. So disrespectful. Deal with the sickos that are harassing!
“what on earth makes anyone think it’s okay to bandaid it by making the victim abide by special rules” But it’s not special rules. Women have a lot more clothing options than men so they lose one. I don’t see the big deal. I remember one CEO talking about his hatred for casual Fridays. He said something along the lines of your dress reflects your attitude about work. His concern was if you dress casually, that will be how you look at your job. If a person dresses like they’re in a night club looking for a date, why are… Read more »
Harrassment is unacceptable, but the following comment is just ignorant: “Wait…so you can’t stay focused on your job because you are worried about what a college age intern is wearing? You are in the wrong job buddy.” Ask any sexologist with a Ph.D. and he or she will tell you that men are much more overtly and consciously aroused than women from visual cues. This has been proven in the laboratory: A famous sexologist (female, her name escapes me at the moment), wired up men and women to equipment that measured their physiological arousal, and showed them porn. The men… Read more »
“Wait…so you can’t stay focused on your job because you are worried about what a college age intern is wearing? You are in the wrong job buddy.” I kind of have a problem with that too. Why is it that we assume that the problem is with the person who is distracted rather than the person distracting? Well, I guess I know the answer to that. It’s only when the person being the distraction is a woman and the distracted person is a man. I guess the argument would be that women don’t complain about being distracted because they aren’t… Read more »
“One important solution is to make sure the interns don’t wear anything that shows too much skin….” I volunteered somewhere in high school where I wore something baggy over my street clothes…adult men still hit on me all the time….it was almost like a game to them….one guy would come over and surprise kiss me on the neck…I cringed and I was so mad I told my supervisor, who spoke to him… everybody else in the workplace looked at me like I was making too big a thing over something so small…I mean, why couldn’t I see it was just… Read more »
Leia,
I’m sorry that you experienced that. I have been amazed at the number of stories I’ve heard recently similar to this.
Also wanted to clarify, the statement about one important solution was meant as sarcasm. It is offensive they would act as if this was the intern’s fault.
Patrick