The Courage To Surrender

When you surrender to something bigger than yourself, you open the door to change and transformation. You step into the world of transcendence.

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“What’s the one attribute you look for more than any other?” is a question I’m often asked by clients, many of whom recruit for challenging, high-turnover positions. “Resilience… the ability to overcome adversity,” I’ll often say. The other person usually shrugs and says, “Yeah, makes sense.”

Then I say, “I want to make sure they’ve had that ‘curled-up-in-the-fetal-position-under-the-table experience’ at least once or twice.” The other person always gets it after that statement.

I don’t mean to suggest that I take some sort of sadistic pleasure in hearing about others’ suffering. And I don’t believe that enduring intense anxiety is a type of hazing experience that people need to have in order to earn success.

But my academic study of and personal experience with growth suggests that it requires both a deep personal drive to achieve and, ironically, a sharp internal instinct to let go. People who change fundamentally yield to something bigger than self. Lasting change demands an egoic surrender.

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Dr. Robert Moore writes about personal transformation. In his book The Archetype Of Initiation, Moore says people begin the journey of meaningful change by submitting to something bigger than their ego. There are plenty of examples: enrolling at college, joining a sports team, entering therapy, or initiating into a religious organization. These are experiences in which an individual voluntarily conforms to a group process.

This is an important and necessary step. It tames the ego and creates space for something new to enter. Humility paves the way for transcendence.

Trustworthiness, of course, is paramount when surrendering to a person or a process. You must make sure, as best as possible, that you trust both the intentions and rigor of this outside entity. Many people have been harmed by placing unquestioning trust in someone or something unhealthy.

Yet our world demands leaders who are driven by more than short-term ego. So many of the challenges that the world faces today involve multiple sectors of society. Often our leaders pass laws that directly impact economic, social, and environmental domains.

But rhetoric, at least in America, during the last handful of years hasn’t reflected this sort of perspective. Rather than seeing prosperity or equality or protection as a cultural imperative that demands collective action, too many leaders have selected an extreme position and held onto it with clenched fist. The brinksmanship, especially among political leaders, is shocking. Too many leaders have risked ruining an entire system just to prove a point or win an argument.

Here’s what I’ve learned while being “curled up in a fetal position under the table.”

• It’s bigger than I am. What is? Everything. The sun doesn’t rise and fall on my life.
• I can bounce back from failure. The fear of failure is the problem. Failure is merely one end point that opens up something new.
• People usually want more of me. Playing small leads to me trouble.
• Important relationships are all that truly matters. Stuff comes and goes. Changing someone’s life for the better is my greatest contribution.
• Love, even tough love, does more to help others than anything else.

These are not lessons I sought to learn through tough times. They are things I learned because I needed to learn them. They are pearls of wisdom.

And there’s no way I could have grasped them until I let go of the mistaken belief that I had figured it all out or that I was indeed superior to everyone else. I could only have room for more thinking or new ideas by accepting my own personal limitations.

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What might our world be like if more people let go of the need to be perfect or right all of the time? What could we accomplish if those with the smartest ideas and greatest confidence were able to step back from their strong positions and ask, “What am I missing?” and “Whom else could contribute to what I’ve developed?”

Those of us in the profession are saddled with a curious burden—we must portray absolute conviction in our ideas, otherwise we risk being lost in the swirl. Yet we must also stand ready to test our thinking and be open to new ideas. It’s a strange paradox.

And it’s surrendering part of the ego that allows this change to occur.

What do you believe in that sits above a situation or a short-term need? What do you surrender to? What principles do you uphold, even when no one is looking?

When you surrender to something bigger than yourself, you open the door to change and transformation. You step into the world of transcendence.

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Photo credit: Flickr/nighteaters