John Havens grapples with the remnants of his childhood bullying: an unrelenting and damaging “I’ll show you” ambition.
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Being bullied sucks. My white suburban bullying experience is pretty tame compared to many of my friends, however. I was in a lot of fights, but never received more than some bruises and scrapes.
But the physical bullying I received paled in comparison to the mental abuse a group of kids levied upon me on a daily basis for just long enough to affect me the rest of my life.
In my case the five or six kids who maintained my schedule of abuse would surround me in a circle to enforce a torturous version of the silent treatment. It seems I had gotten too good at avoiding them and preventing the passive administration of said Silent Treatment, so they innovated by simply keeping me physically contained while holding conversations I couldn’t escape. These incidents were oddly intimate, since they would talk about me without actually mentioning me. That appeared to be part of their game.
For instance, as I was overweight, they would say something like, “I have a problem. A BIG problem. A BIG SMELLY FAT problem,” and so on. This would cause the other kids to laugh, and it would infuriate me to the point where I’d try to break out of the circle, or yell at them until I said something so egregious they’d either get physical with me or complain to a teacher where I typically got in trouble because I swore or took a swing at one of my assailants.
My bullies, like many, moved beyond simple abuse about my weight to multi-tiered goading strategies that did a massive number on my self-esteem for decades to come. So, to reiterate. Being bullied sucks.
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The most insidious aspect of bullydom is the long term negative affect on the personality formation of the kid being bullied. Mine grew out of a frustrated sense of injustice. I’m still coming to grips with the fact that this sense of maligned justice became more deeply embedded in my psyche than any physical scar I’ve retained.
All I had left in my arsenal was to focus on the future. “I’ll show you!” became my inner mantra.
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As a kid, a lot of what you rely on to navigate your days is a sense of justice: “He got more than me,” “you’re in trouble because you just said a bad word,” and so on are the stock phrases kids live by.
We clamor towards moralism or legalism because we’ve been told, ‘this is what’s right.’ Or, in other words, ‘these are your rights.’
In my case, my sense of justice was skewed, because while I knew I was being maligned I had no socially acceptable recourse to take to stem the tide of rancor building in my psyche.
After a few weeks of this dynamic, a deep and pervasive sense of dread and melancholia set in that felt impossible to escape. In that sense, the bullies could have saved some time and energy by week three or so because any fresh torture they brought to me was fairly redundant—the chaos and ire of their bullying had so affected my self esteem that there was no words or actions they could conjure that would rival my own relentless negativity. All I had left in my arsenal was to focus on the future: “I’ll show you!” became my inner mantra.
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Because I was not provided with an appropriate outlet for my anger and pain, my inner mantra became multiple variations of, “I’ll show you,” including:
- Your words can’t hurt me.
- The only person I can rely on is myself.
- I will succeed all on my own.
- I don’t need you.
My marrow level sense of eroded justice created an ambition in me that has been one of my primary personality traits.
Ambition is typically lauded as a positive trait.
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What’s tricky in modern U.S. society is that ambition is typically lauded as a positive trait. Whether it’s the hyperbolic fiscal attestations of a Gordon Gecko (“greed is good”) or the ubiquitous business fables lauding innovation-to-IPO narratives, the drive to succeed can motivate in a positive way.
In my case, I’ve been able to channel the malignant rot of justice-based ambition to positive effect in many circumstances.
It fueled my acting career a great deal, where sheer force of will was the only trait keeping me pursuing a business so ruthlessly designed to challenge your self-esteem on a regular basis.
It fueled my dating life for many years, where physical or romantic attention from a woman appeased my sense of self worth, for at least as long as it took for us both to realize our relationship was based on mutual emotional usury.
Ambition also is a marvelous tool when it comes to social media and a desire to create influence, a trap I still fall into by focusing more on looking smart and getting likes than on trying to create genuine value for others.
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I’m still coming to grips with the fact that this sense of maligned justice became more deeply embedded in my psyche than any physical scar I’ve retained
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In short, my ambition has become a mechanism of seeking justice and of constantly seeking to prove my self worth. But I’m tired of it. I’m tried of perpetually answering to the bullies in my psyche.
I’m tired of righteous anger.
I’m tired of professional jealousy, ambition’s fraternal twin, choking my ability to celebrate friend’s accomplishments.
I’m tired of moralistic religion, which has hampered my ability to seek genuine communion with God and others in lieu of argumentative scorekeeping bullshit.
I’m tired of righteous anger. Tired of moralistic religion. Tired of pondering forgiveness.
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I’m tired of pondering forgiveness, where even if I could find the kids who bullied me to discuss ancient emotions, they couldn’t return me the decades of shite their actions caused in regards to my self esteem, along with my actions in these emotional states where I’ve negatively treated others much to my regret.
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My ambition, my constant justice-seeking need for self-elevation, can provide a feeling of control, but it has distanced me from others. It has keeps me from engaging in new experiences. At times, it has built a wall of arrogance around my heart that others have perceived as readily as they do fetid cologne.
I’m tired of being an island, or thinking I can do everything by myself. I’d rather be with other people and weak than alone and strong.
I’d rather be with other people and weak than alone and strong.
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I’m tired of thinking about bullies from my childhood and letting their actions still have sway.
I’m shaking off the dust of undying, relentless, leeching ambition, the greatest bully the world has ever known.
And this brings me peace.
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Photo: Flickr/Thomas Ricker
Definitely something I can relate to. While reading this article it made me think strongly on this book I read a few months back called “Devil at my heels” by Louis Zamperini . If you’ve watched the movie unbroken, it is that story the book is based on. Ambition is a powerful tool but as any powerful tool. It is not all black & white, there’s always a bit of grey in there.
Good post. Something I can relate to.
Throw out your religion and God since those two items have not done a thing to protect you and relied on yourself. Ambition in the USA when it is not properly kept in reign has only led to political, social, and economic destruction that we saw in 1929 and 2008.