Patti Giggans talks about the power of The Y Factor and the men that are leading the charge.
This article originally appeared at 1in6.com.
I had the privilege recently of attending the national summit of a new initiative lead by Esta Soler and her team at Futures Without Violence and the Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention called The Y Factor: Men Leading By Example. The event saluted and encouraged activists and survivors who are committed to ending violence against women and children. We were treated to an assuredly rare event: a conversation between Willie Mays and Joe Torre, two great and generous men. Willie Mays, frail yet still quite charismatic, recounted how as a player and a coach, he mentored the young ball players coming up by guiding them with a clear yet gentle and non-judgmental hand. Joe Torre told his family story as a witness and victim to his police officer father’s abuse of his mother. He spoke honestly and candidly about how terrified he was of his father’s rage and how he would try not to go home to avoid it. He has made it his mission to speak out about the impact of family violence and with his wife Ali Torre has created The Joe Torre Safe At Home Foundation, which creates safe rooms in schools for kids to seek safety and get help. The safe spaces are named Margaret’s Place, in honor of his mother.
The power of the Y Factor event was significant in that more than 50% of those present were men. While I was listening to several men speak out about their own childhood trauma and speak up for the traumatic experiences of others as children and as adults, I was struck by how important this is and how rare it still is to hear men speak about them. When men and boys are encouraged to come out from behind their masculinities and break through the silence, healing begins. That healing can be stopped or stunted if that intimate spoken truth is not received. Trauma needs acknowledgement and it needs to be attended to. Trauma will be acted out if it isn’t acted upon. This requires the teller to have someone to tell. We all have to find ways to create a culture that is receptive and safer for those who suffer from childhood sexual abuse, family violence, sexual violence and all kinds of violences to speak their truths. We have to work much harder to make it safer and even welcoming for men and boys to disclose, reach out, ask for help and be received.
If each and every one of us could commit to learning how provide that “Margaret’s Place,” therein lies a paradigm shift that would transform the world. We could create the possibility of living in a world where we all become “Enlightened Witnesses,” as Alice Miller, the childhood trauma researcher and author advised. We would go beyond being bystanders for each other and be witnesses for and to each other.
This month of April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month, with Denim Days happening all over the country on Wednesday, April 25th. (For more information on Denim Day, and to register to participate, visit www.denimdayusa.org.) Many people will speak out publicly—including electronically—for the first time or disclose to another person. We can practice our “enlightened witnessing” by really listening—not with our ears but with an open heart. When we have the opportunity to be this witness, we can acknowledge the person’s truth without judgment and with compassion by our full attention and by our presence. We can be the receiver of the story that the teller will have a told. We can be a “Margaret’s Place.” Thank you, Joe Torre, for being both a teller and a told.
Patti Giggans is the Executive Director of Peace Over Violence. Peace Over Violence is dedicated to building healthy relationships, families and communities free from sexual, domestic and interpersonal violence. She is also the Vice-President of the Board of Directors for 1in6.
Photo credit: Flickr / NHS Confederation
If you read the article and pay attention to the words I think you will see that I was including the suffering of men also. The article focused on Joe Torre who was a witness to violence growing up in his family. He suffered didn’t he? No ones suffering should be skipped over. There have been very good reasons to focus a movement on the abuse of women. Now that we have, many of us who have worked many years in domestic and sexual violence fields have also included male victims along the way and we do want to make… Read more »
I hear a lot about how people help out male victims, but correct me if I am wrong but the majority of the anti-DV stuff is worded like “Women’s shelters” “Violence against women and children” “Men speaking out against abuse of women and children” etc. Is there a large amount of genderless wording as well in the campaigns and advertising that I simply am not seeing? Because to me what I see are campaigns, shelters, etc specifically for women so if I were being abused I would probably be far less likely to approach them for help. The other campaigns… Read more »
“We can create a more receptive culture and a safe space for male survivors by losing the gendered language, removing the politics, excluding the feminist talking points, involving more men in the process, and actually listening to men and boys. But we cannot do that if we keep playing gender politics with this issue. ” Case in point: http://oncampus.macleans.ca/education/2012/04/27/a-place-just-for-men/ Of particular note is where one official states “men do not deserve their own space” and the list of how dangerous and monstrous masculinity is as is posted on the women’s centre website. Note in the comments where one of the… Read more »
Some of the feminists commenting on that article disgust me just with their sheer ignorance towards men. The mentality that it’s a man’s world so men are completely covered? Try find support for male victims of domestic violence or sexual abuse especially by female perpetrators, now reverse the genders and see the disparity.
These I believe are gynocentric feminists, they seem to want to make it all about the womenz. Someone needs to tell them that men too can suffer bullshit in this world!
When men and boys are encouraged to come out from behind their masculinities and break through the silence, healing begins. It is not men’s masculinity that prevents them from breaking the silence. It is this: The event saluted and encouraged activists and survivors who are committed to ending violence against women and children. After a decade of speaking to other male survivors, I learned that the most common reason men and boys’ give for not coming forward is because they do not think anyone will believe a man or boy can be a victim of abuse. The message we send… Read more »
That’s just insulting, sexist and misandrist stereotyping.
Child abuse is mostly female perpetrated and patterns inside DV show women to be significantly more likely to be violent and initiate the violence.
Anyone interested in studies and data showing women to be the family abuser more often, just ask..
Let me get this straight…. “Violence against women and children” So if you own a penis, and you are 17 years and 11 months old, and your mom slaps you with a frying pan, you are a victim. But if you own a penis, are 18 years old, and your mom slaps you with a frying pan, you’re no longer a victim. I guess this means victimhood is something reserved for non-adults then? BUT if you’re a woman, you reserve this for life? Does this not infantalize women? Does not this framing imply that women are “children”? It’s “violence against… Read more »
Another half arsed attempt to fix a NON-Gendered issue. I applaud the effort of tackling Domestic violence in any form but wouldn’t it be better for men and women to lead the way in reducing violence against all? The fact you say it’s violence against women AND children indicates to me you mean males under 18 as well as ALL females, so why not care for the males over 18 as well? There are plenty of stats showing near equal rates of physical, emotional and now even sexual abuse between the genders. These chivalrous organizations tackling women AND children are… Read more »
There are two organizations I know of the support male victims. One in California I forget the name at the moment. Vally Oasis, something oasis sancutuary… sorry, memories out, but it is an abuse shelter that serves both genders and has taken a lot of flack in the for doing so from the DV industry. The founder died last year after writing a story about the feminist verbal assaults she took. The other one is in Canada (Edmonton I believe) and is MASH 4077 (Men’s abuse something something), a male abuse hotline and sanctuary that is going to be closing… Read more »
Sorry. there is also mankind initiative in the UK, also privately funded, no government money
So here we have another organization that claims all domestic violence is the fault on and perpatrated by men. Yep, and the beat goes on.
So when are we going to start opening shelters for battered men and boys? Sounds all well and good but as she said, half there were some men speaking out. Did men and women speak out against the women who are violent? These safe houses are for “children” but there is still nothing that allows that child to be safe with his/her father. Many shelters won’t even allow teen boys in them because they’re seen as a threat. From what I could tell, a lot of the information on the “1in6” site, with little exception, showed men being the perpetrator.… Read more »