The recent accusations against Harvey Weinstein seemed to open a floodgate. It seems that sexual misconduct is far more widespread than many thought. This brings me to a handful of conclusions and some as yet unanswered questions.
Firstly, the problem is more widespread than most of us men would have ever wanted to believe. The #MeToo hashtag campaign that recently took off on social media, which began several years ago but went viral in the last couple of months, has shown that a large majority of women have experienced this at some point in their lives, many over and over.
Some accusations are of smaller forms of sexual misconduct, problematic in themselves. Others go as far as harassment, sexual assault, and rape. And while this is experienced at some point by most women, it also seems that far more men engage in it than most of us would have thought. Credible allegations have been put forward against a variety of celebrities and politicians, from Donald Trump, Roy Moore, Al Franken, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, and many others. Among the politicians, I’m certain that both parties include perpetrators. Even the kind, gentle, George HW Bush has been accused, by several women, of groping them over a period of years.
While no women is immune, neither can any man avoid responsibility.
|
For many years, women (and some men) have put up with this. They have learned small ways to avoid those known to do this and share the information quietly among themselves. They face a conundrum. Should they talk about their experiences, there are real consequences, from shame, to career barriers, to actual violence. Then they get blamed if they are unclear or if they wait too long to speak up.
While no women is immune, neither can any man avoid responsibility. While most of us would say we’d never think of doing what these celebrities and politicians have been accused of, the recent campaign has confirmed that most of us have, on occasion, done things that have made the women around us feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
If you think that’s an overstatement, look up the recent blog post by Sara Dueck entitled “How I learned to be afraid of men.” It’s not one isolated experience that makes women worry; for many of them, it is a series of small, seemingly random encounters, some with strangers, others with men they thought they could trust.
It’s not just Dueck; there are dozens of experiences, shared by women and men in a variety of formats showing how widespread this problem has been.
And even if you think you’ve never committed one of these offenses, you may well have. Some of these behaviors are so ingrained in our culture, they have long been taken for normal. Television and movies glorify stalking and even rape as romantic (think about that scene in Revenge of the Nerds for example.)
Men have been taught to be aggressive in their pursuit of women. Even those who don’t use aggression or threats often make women uncomfortable in other ways, from “accidental” touches to the way they look or speak to women.
When women come forward after a period of time, sometimes years, people question why they said nothing sooner. Often they had spoken up, but were disbelieved, ridiculed, shamed, and shunned. And, if they thought their experience was isolated, they may have gone along, fearful of the alternative. When a pattern of behavior became clear, they added their voices, providing additional credibility to those who bravely went first.
No longer can we say “boys will be boys.” Now, boys and men must be held accountable for their actions.
|
What some are calling a bandwagon effect is just that, but not for the reasons they think. Few of these claims have been disproven. It is more likely that once a couple of people come forward, others feel safe in doing so.
What is most clear now is that this is not only a pattern of behavior for many men, and some women, in a position of power, but also that those affected have crossed a turning point. They want this to change. No longer can we say “boys will be boys.” Now, boys and men must be held accountable for their actions.
The expectation is now simple, but also a sea change from the past. Women aren’t just saying “stop it.” They also now insist on something men have long taken for granted. They want to be able to walk across a college campus or down the street, work in the professional world, dress however they feel comfortable, and choose for themselves with whom they will have intimate contact and conversation.
They demand simple safety and they deserve nothing less.
Photo: Getty Images